


reckless /// c.h.

by 5saucespunkrock



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), calum hood - Fandom
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Calum Hood - Freeform, F/M, Famous 5 Seconds of Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 13:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 75,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30140538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5saucespunkrock/pseuds/5saucespunkrock
Summary: in which a hopeless romantic and a realist fall in love.





	1. i

i don't even know how i end up here every fucking friday night. i guess i don't have much to do anyway and even if this is a terrible house, it's better than mine.

my house is a fucking hellhole, not gonna lie.

the electronic music is ringing through my ears and let me tell you that apart from loud, it's awful, but it's the kind of music they put at shitty parties. drunk people, mostly college kids are dancing, making out in the sofa —just like in the pool—, drinking and smoking like no tomorrow or in one corner, watching the whole thing.

i call them, the watchers. there's always some of them in every party. they're the people who come here with someone who promised that they wouldn't leave their side and end up doing the complete opposite. then, the poor person who was dragged here —who's normally not a drinker nor a smoker and sometimes not even social—, can only stand in one corner, either watching or on their phones.

i walk inside the kitchen to grab myself a drink. i just got here and i have to start somewhere.

A/N: TW/ there's a mention of rape in this paragraph so if you're uncomfortable with it, just skip it!!

i don't really drink a lot even though i would like to. i don't have any friends, so i'm the one who has to take care of myself and i wouldn't be surprised if there's a rapist in here. i'm not gonna risk it just because i'm being immature and stupid. don't get me wrong; even if i got drunk, no one, i repeat, no one, has the right to touch me without my consent. i shouldn't ever be worried about someone raping me, but i am, because that's the society we live in nowadays. if you're drunk and someone rapes you: hey, it's your fault, why weren't you more careful? or; why were you drunk and wore those shorts? i have to control myself because it's my fault if i get sexually assaulted, but tell me, can't they tell guys to keep it in their pants?

just saying.

anyway, let's go back to what we were talking about; it's not that i never get drunk, because i do, but it's never on purpose. it's not like i go to the party with the objective of getting wasted, it's just that sometimes i forget about the fact that i have to take care of myself and end up drinking a little too much. then, i normally wake up in the couch, sometimes above the pool table and sometimes even with a guy's arms wrap around me.

A/N: TW/ same for this paragraph!!

thankfully, i've never had to go through a sexual assault. i've never been raped and i'm so sorry to whoever had to, because no one should. it's a trauma that can last a lifetime and i just hope no one else has to. but, of course, our society is really shitty and it probably will keep happening until we don't show guys what 'no' means. 

anyway, if i wake up next to someone else —normally it's a guy, but some others it's a girl—, it's always that we were both really drunk, really horny and really in the mood for a hook up. a lot of them ask me for my number the next day, but i always say no, because i don't believe in relationships. i mean, i do believe that they can work out, and in true love and all that shit, but i don't think they're for me. i've had two relationships and i fucked them up, so yeah... love isn't really my thing. 

neither is friendship, but in this case, the other person was always the one who fucked it up, so i'm able to have a best friend or a friend, at least. maybe not relationships, but i can with a friendship.

once I have my drink, i walk down to the basement, wanting to kick some asses at the pool, since my dad taught me how to play. he was really good. he still is, but it's complicated now.

it's cool, because i win a lot of money. at first i make them believe that I'm just a twenty-one-year-old girl who's still pretty naive and who has no idea how to play so that when they bet money, they let me participate but not pay. then, i win and i have the money, because they didn't expect me to win so they let me play with them.

i can only do it when there aren't any guys i know, though.

i feel bad sometimes, because i'm tricking them, but i really need this extra money.

—hey there, sexy —a guy says and i clench a little, trying not to punch him. i hate when people call me that, or any other thing that isn't my name.

—what are you guys doing? —i ask with a fake smile as i take a sip of the beer i have in between my hands.

—we're gonna play pool, wanna join? —another guy asks and i nod as i walk towards the green table.

—okay, but i don't know how to play, honestly —i say, letting out a giggle. 

believe me, fuckboys who only want to get laid, love giggles. it's like they make you innocent or something, which even if i find that a big load of shit, it's a good strategy to get what you want sometimes.

—oh, it's okay. we're gonna bet fifty dollars each of us —the first guy explains and i smirk internally while i nod on the outside.

—i don't have fifty dollars —i reply, letting out a nervous laugh and he smirks at me after stealing a few glances from his four mates.

—don't worry, since you don't know how to play, you're just gonna participate, okay? —another guy says and i nod in response.

there are five different guys and they all look quite the same. apart from fuckboys and really horny, they're tall, muscular, brown hair...

—you start —someone tells me, handing me the pool stick and i send him a small smile before walking towards the green table.

even though i can win the game right now, i'm gonna wait a little. i wanna make them think that i really am bad at this, so i grab the pool stick in a wrong way.

—hold on, babe —a guy says, making me clench and even more a soon as he walks towards me and puts his arms around me to grab the stick with both hands in front of me—. like this —he says and i send him a smile as i carefully push him away a little.

i move the stick backwards and i kick the white ball.

the game goes on and when one of them is about to win, once it's my turn, i decide that it's time for me to finish what i started and kick his asses already, so i grab the pool stick. i first put in the hole the number fifteen, making their jaws drop.

—i thought you didn't- —a guy starts, but i cut him off.

—i don't. beginner's luck, i guess —i innocently say and he nods.

i also put the seven, nine and eleven. they don't bother on saying anything; they just keep on staring at me and how i don't actually suck at pool. i keep going until there is none —except from the number eight and the white ball of course—.

—thank you for playing, guys —i say, now with my normal voice and not with an extremely pitched one and i grab the money, that's right beside the pool table.

—wait, hold on, you didn't even pay to play —one guy argues and i look at him in disbelief.

—i won anyway, so it doesn't really matter —i scoff and without giving him or any of the other four guys the opportunity to say anything else, i grab my drink that's resting in one of the sides of the pool table and walk up the stairs.

i finish what i have left of beer, because throughout the game i drank the majority of it. i leave it above the kitchen counter and grab another one of those little glass bottles of beer, because they're the best ones. i prefer the glass bottle before that red plastic cup.

i walk to the backyard, though i'd go to the pool, but it's way too crowded and i need fresh air. those guys were getting on my nerves and they looked at me like i was a piece of meat and they were hungry lions. i felt really uncomfortable, but i just won two hundred and fifty dollars, which is a lot for me.

everything is extremely quiet, apart from the soft music that you can still hear that comes from inside. i'm the only one here at the moment, laying down above the soft grass, but not for long, because a guy sits next to me shortly after.

he has black hair and brown eyes. he looks asian, but not fully, so i don't know if he's actually asian. he's wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, just like me and a Bob Dylan t-shirt, which makes me know that he has good taste. Bob Dylan is one of my favorite artists.

i look at him with a confused look plastered on my face. he doesn't seem horny nor a bad guy and it's weird, because the guys who talk to me are at least one of those two, and sometimes even both.

—hey —he says and i immediately detect his weird accent. we're in a little town, in the middle of north carolina and everyone talks the same way, so detecting accents that aren't from around here is my sixth sense.

—hey —i whisper back, looking forward once more—. let me guess, you came with your friends and they left you —i say and he lets out a chuckle as he takes a sip of beer from the little glass bottle he has in between his hands. i look at it and immediately notice the rings he's wearing and a tattoo on his left wrist that says 'alive'. i tilt my head to one side, confused and quite curious about why he has that tattoo.

—i don't know anyone in this town, i just moved here, so no, i didn't come with anyone —he explains. 

though it surprises me, because no one ever moves here, at the same time it doesn't. in this little town, you normally know everyone, maybe not personally, but at least the face and i don't know this guy at all. i've never seen him, so i guess it makes sense that he just moved here.

—you're from Australia.

at first i couldn't point out where the accent is from, but after he talked a little more, i know it's an australian one.  
  
—that's right —he replies, making me smile—. i saw you winning at pool earlier. it's a good strategy the one you have —he says and i look at him with a frown, not knowing in which way he means it.

—guys are just horny and will believe anything a girl tells them just hoping that they will get laid that night.

i find it quite unbelievable, to be honest; how easy you can manipulate a guy as soon as you meet them. 

—for them, you're an object and even more if you're innocent and a little drunk. you're an easy target —i explain my opinion and he raises his eyebrows.

—that's what you think of all men? —he asks and i shake my head.

—not every guy, but 99.9% of them, yes —i simply reply.

—we're not all the same, you know? —he says and i look at him with my eyebrows raised.

—you say that because you think you're one of those really sweet guys —i shoot back and he lets out a laugh, making me confused, because i don't get what's so funny.

—i don't think i'm the sweetest nor the nicest guy ever, because i sleep around and go on parties quite a lot, but i don't think you're an object —he replies and i chuckle as i look down.

—so you're one of that 0.1%, right? —i playfully say and he laughs as he takes another sip of beer.

—why don't you tell me what you think later?

—i like you, mr. one in a million —i joke, making him laugh.

—i like you too, mrs. all guys are shit —he playfully says back. i let out a quiet laugh before raising my beer in the air, making him frown. 

—let's toast —i suggest and he tilts his head to one side as he raises his beer as well. 

—fine. to what? —he asks and i move my lips a little as i think.

—to that 0.1% —i say and he smiles widely while nodding. he has a lot of crinkles by his eyes when he smiles, making him look like a baby.

—to that 0.1% —he repeats and connects our two bottles of beer.

—it's almost midnight, so do you wanna get the hell out of here? —i ask him, because since we've got nothing to do here, maybe we could go somewhere else more interesting.

—sure. let's get out of this hellhole —he replies and i smile as we both stand up—. i got here yesterday so i only know the grocery store down the street—. he adds.

—oh, don't worry about it. i know this place like the back of my hand and in no time you will as well —i tell him. 

this is a small and shitty town, believe me. with really fucked up people too.

i mean, have you seen my family?

—by the way, what's your name? —he asks as we walk pass through all the crowd in the party. i do as if i don't hear him and keep walking. it's difficult enough to do that to be having a conversation at the same time. once we get out of the shitty house, i walk to the driveway, where my truck is parked and i jump in the driver's seat.

—let's do this mr. one in a million —i start, looking at him once he's sitting in the passenger's seat —no names, no past, no phone numbers, no personal information—. i continue, looking straight into his dark brown eyes and he gives me a smirk—. just mr. one in a million and mrs. all guys are shit. the two of us. one night. let's just have fun and afterwards, we're not seeing each other ever again —i finish.

i know he's thinking that this is a crazy idea, but if he's here, it's because he's running away from something. this is a shitty town in the middle of north carolina and no one moves here if there's not something they need to leave behind. he's here because he's looking for adventures and i am too, so we can both get what we want.

he seems pretty interesting as a person, even if i'm not gonna get to know him, since this ends as soon as the sun rises, and i don't think that he's the type of guy who chickens when he has to do something that other people don't consider ethic, so he's kind of perfect to have an adventure with.

—fine, one night. let's go get some adventures —he replies, making me smile widely. i honestly didn't know if he was going to agree to this, but he did.

—i don't know if you're hungry, but i am —i say with a big smirk on my face, earning a frown from him.

—what? a twenty-four-hour mcdonald's? —he playfully says, and i let out a laugh as i shake my head.

—oh, little boy, don't tell me you go to that shitty place to eat —i start and he rolls his eyes, making me chuckle—. i do things way more interesting, even if we're talking about getting food in the middle of the night.

—i wanna know your ways, mrs. all guys are shit.

—then, you better be ready.


	2. ii

—so, where are we going? —the guy sitting next to me asks and i smirk at him, but i don't say anything—. if you say it's a surprise, i'm gonna jump off this car while it's still running —he tells me, making me laugh as i shake my head.

—then you better start opening that door —i playfully say and he puts his hand on the left side of his chest, letting out a fake hurt gasp.

—oh my god, that hurts. we met twenty minutes ago and you wanna kill me? unbelievable, if you ask me —he says and i roll my eyes—. oh, and you roll your eyes, that's nice, thank you.

—okay, fine mr. drama —i start, letting out a laugh—. but before telling you where are we going, you should know that in this town, there once was a man that was really, really rich and had a lot of fields where he planted his food and whatever. when he died, his son inherited all those fields and land plots. this guy, is now like sixty more or less and he still owns all those fields full of apple trees. he owns one of the biggest food companies, because his land has something that helps the plants grow better or some shit. he got lucky, basically and that's why he has a lot of money. and just so you know, those apples are amazing —i explain him the story even if i made it up right now, but it's more fun if you make it more interesting.

actually, it's literally just a little house in the outsiders of the town and the guy who lives there has a little garden right beside the house, so there is no company or rich guy with kilometers of land.

—i don't believe any of it —he says with a laugh and i look at him like seriously?— fine, so this guy, since he's sixty, i don't think he has much security, right? —he asks, giving in to my little game, making me smile.

—no, actually. he has dementia, so he doesn't really know what's going on and always hopes that no one will steal from him because he sees the best in people —i say and he shakes his head with a smile playing on his lips as he sighs.

—god —he breathes before looking up at me—. so, what? we're gonna steal apples? —he asks and i shake my head.

—oh no, you got it wrong. we're not gonna steal apples.—i say dead serious—. not only apples —i clarify, earning a laugh from him.

—fine, i'm really hungry anyway.

once we get there, i park the car like two hundred meters away from the house. it would be way too suspicious if i park right in front. i jump off with mr. drama following me suit.

—okay, do you see that house? —i say pointing to a little building in the middle of a big field.

—yeah.

—we need to climb up this fence and walk until we reach the house, past it and that's where all the good stuff is, because from here to the house, it's only fields for cows —i tell him and he laughs at the last part.

—okay then. let's get going —he says and starts climbing up the fence, but i stop him.

—stop right there, would you? —i say. i have the feeling that i confuse him a lot but it's really funny, so i'm not planning on stopping any time soon—. do you actually think we're gonna go eat exquisite apples without a couple of beers? —i scoff as i open the back of my truck and take out two bottles of alcohol from the little fridge i have.

—why have i even doubted that you have beers in the back of your truck? —he playfully says and i raise my shoulders cockily—. i'll go first, you pass me the bottles and then you go —he says and i nod as he starts climbing up the fence.

when his feet touch the ground, i throw him both bottles before climbing as well. once we're both on the other side of the fence, we start walking towards the little house.

there aren't any cows right now and i don't know why. i don't know how it works honestly; if it's normal that they're not here, if they sleep inside a farm or something and during the day they're here... i have no clue, but right now, there aren't any, which was my point since the beginning.

—can i ask you something? —i suddenly blurt out as my head snaps towards him.

—sure.

—why did you agree to this? i mean, you met me less than an hour ago and you're already my partner in crime —i say.

it's honestly something that has been going around my head since he said that he's gonna spend the night with me to go on adventures.

—i know we're not supposed to share each other's past, but let's say that there's something i need to leave behind and i came here looking for something, or someone, i don't know. i'm wandering and maybe waiting and i'm up for every single adventure that i may face. you offered me an opportunity to have one in my second day here, so i've done great so far —he replies and it leaves me kind of speechless, because that's the last thing i expected.

i know he's running away from something, i could tell that as soon as i heard his accent and when he told he moved here, i knew for sure that there's something chasing him, but i don't know... his answer still surprises me.

—do i actually look like an adventure? —i ask him and this time he meets my gaze and nods.

—without any doubt. as soon as you told me what you think of men, i knew. so when you asked me to spend the night together, it was really easy to say yes.

i like how honest he is. he doesn't struggle or think twice before telling me something, he just does it as if honesty was the most importing thing in the world. when i asked him why he said yes, he went straight to the point and even if we met an hour ago he still told me the truth that he's running away from something. he's so much more open than me.

we don't say anything else until we reach the house and carefully, without making any noise, we walk past it.

—second fence we're gonna climb today —i inform him and hand him my beer so that i can go to the other side. once my feet collide with the ground, he passes me the beers and does the same i did—. be careful, because we can't ruin all the stuff he has planted here, so always walk above the little paths, got it? —i warn him and he nods.

we start walking towards the five apple trees that are right after his little yard. within two minutes, we're right in front of a tree, so i hand him the beers and start climbing without much thought, and he just stands at the bottom.

—aren't you coming? —i ask him as i grab two apples from in between all the leaves and he sighs before handing me the two bottles and climbing up the tree. i sit in the little platform at the top, with my back leaning against a branch and one of my knees pressed on my chest and he sits opposite of me—. here you go —i say as i hand him one of the two apples i'm holding and also a beer.

—what time is it? —he asks as he takes a bite of the apple. i take out my phone from the back pocket of my jeans.

—half past midnight —i tell him and he nods—. pretty early —i mumble as i open the drink in between my hands.

—so, if you think all men are trash, what do you think of love? —he asks, seeming pretty intrigued.

—well, i think it's real and a lot of people's reason to live. i do believe in soulmates, i just don't think everyone has one —i simply reply, even if i could go on and on. i think that love is a lot more and a topic you could talk about for hours without repeating one single thing twice.

—you don't think you have that someone? —he asks me and i shake my head.

—as much as i think love is amazing and i have nothing against it, i don't think it's for me, honestly. i'm not good at depending on people. i don't like getting attached and the thought of having to spend the rest of my life with someone, kinda scares me, but not in the way that i'm afraid of commitment, more in the way of being afraid of someone taking away from me my freedom. i feel like relationships are a lot of pressure because you always have to think about your significant other and i say it because i've gone through that. hurting someone you love is the most painful thing you could ever do. watching a person you care about, falling apart in front of you because of you, is fucking heartbreaking —i answer his question with a long ass speech and as much as i think he would be bored of me and almost about to fall asleep, he's there, looking straight at me.

—i've always loved the idea that someone is made for you forever —he simply says, but i know it's just the beginning—. you don't think that love isn't for you, you just haven't found the right person and when you do, you will feel no pressure at all, because someone said that love is meant to hurt, but that's fucking bullshit. if it's love that's meant to be, it doesn't have to hurt —he says and i look down at the bottle my fingers are playing with, as i think about his statement.

i don't really agree with him, because even if something is meant to be, it doesn't mean it's meant to last, so when that person leaves, you'll hurt. that's why loving someone sucks.

—you're a hopeless romantic, mr. drama —i say, making him smile softly.

—a big one —he admits and then, the silence falls upon us, until a minute later, that he speaks up—. so, your plan is to watch all the couples that you pass on the street and believe that you're made to be single for the rest of your life? —he asks and i shake my head in response—. then?

—i don't have a clue, honestly. i have nothing decided about my life and about who i am —i truthfully say—. remember when i told you that i think that relationships take away your freedom? —i ask and he nods—. they can't take away from me something that i do not have —i simply say, making him frown.

—what do you mean?

—i'm attached to this place and i can't get out, but believe me, if i could, i would've left as soon as i turned eighteen —i say and he stays quiet, waiting for me to continue—. i'm stuck here and the only way i have of clearing my head and basically keeping my sanity is stealing these apples, or going to parties and sleeping around. i just try to understand what freedom feels like —i quietly say, as i look down. it's true, i'm stuck here.

as long as my dad is here, i am as well. i can't leave him alone, not in the state he's in.

—i've always considered myself a person who's meant to be free. i've dreamed about travelling the world and wandering, because i do believe that not all of those who wander are lost. i want my moment, i want that moment when all the hard work is done. i want to find myself in the middle of nowhere, alone, or with someone, i don't care and feel as if nothing matters. no pressure, no people judging, no nothing. pure freedom and pure euphoria —i say, picturing myself in the top of a mountain, somewhere, i don't care, but it has to be far, far away from this shitty town.

i want to know what real freedom feels like.

—i wish i could do as you did —i suddenly add, earning a frown from him.

—what? run away? —he asks and i nod.

—yeah, exactly. just pack things and leave. start over and go somewhere where no one knows my name —i whisper and he nods as silence falls upon us once more.

—what's your name? —he suddenly asks and i tilt my head to one side.

—we agreed that- —i start, but he shakes his head and cuts me off.

—that no names, i know, but i really need to know —he pleads and i look down.

—why do you wanna know? this ends as soon as the sun rises —i remind him. he doesn't need my name if we're not gonna see each other again and if we do, we're not gonna be friends.

—why are you so afraid of getting to know people? —he asks me and i look down once more, not knowing how to reply his question. i have an answer, but i don't know how to tell him.

—because i don't think there's anything compared to meeting new people. this. whatever that we're doing, it's way more fun and interesting than spending time with the same person over and over again —i tell him, but he shakes his head, clearly not agreeing with me.

—that's not true, you never get to know a person fully. every day you will learn something about that someone —he argues back and i roll my eyes, because if we're supposed to spend the night together, i don't wanna fight.

—i'm Reagan —i breathe out, giving in on telling him my name—. Reagan Anne Jones, to be more specific —i add, making him smile widely.

—nice to finally know your name mrs. all guys are shit, a.k.a Reagan Anne Jones —he says, making me look down with a small smile—. i'm Calum —he introduces himself and my gaze drifts towards him once more—. Calum Thomas Hood, to be more specific —he says, mimicking my words from before and i tilt my head to one side, deciding whether or not it fits him.

it does.

it really does.

—nice to meet you, Calum Thomas Hood.

—nice to meet you, Reagan Anne Jones.


	3. iii

—next stop? —he asks as soon as we both close the door of my truck shut.

—one of my favorite places, but before that, we need to stop for more foil and another thing —i tell him as i start the engine to drive off towards a gas station i know that it's not really far from where we are right now.

—what's the other thing? —he asks and i completely ignore him, making him roll his eyes as soon as he realizes that he's not gonna get an answer.

—can you please open the little compartment right in front of you? —i ask him, being in the mood for music and that's where i keep all my cd's.

—sure —he says as he opens it and starts looking through it—. what's this one that says best shit ever? —he asks with a laugh and i smile a little.

—it's a compilation my dad and i made. it's all of our favorite songs of all time put together —i explain and he sends me a smile as he puts the cd in and presses play.

— _hotel california_ by eagles —he says as soon as the song starts playing and i wait for him to continue—. right now, you've got great taste, but we'll see if it sticks throughout the rest.—

—believe me, it will —i cockily say. there's Bob Dylan and a lot of radiohead and i don't know why, but he gives me vibes of a big radiohead fan.

—can i ask you something? —he suddenly asks and i nod, not bothering on taking my eyes off the road. even though i'm not drunk, i need to be careful. i've already drank enough for tonight and i'm not gonna have another drink if i wanna get home in one piece.

—sure, ask away —i reply.

i honestly don't think he's gonna ask something really, really personal. he gets that we met like three hours ago and that there's a limit when you meet someone for the first time.

—what's your favorite song? —he simply says and at first, i'm confused, because even if i didn't expect him to ask something personal, i didn't expect this question either, to be honest.

—that's actually a tough question —i say, letting out a laugh as i start thinking about my answer. i have a lot of favorite songs, and i don't know if i'm gonna be able to choose just one—. i have tons, but i'm gonna go for _it's alright, ma_ by Bob Dylan —i reply, even if i'm not sure of my answer—. yours?

—i'm gonna go for _fake plastic trees_ by radiohead —he replies, a smirk finding its way to my face, because i was right; he likes radiohead, or at least knows the band and likes one song—. what? —he asks when he sees that smile playing on my lips.

—nothing, it's just that i thought you liked radiohead and you just proved me right.

—what else do you think i like?

—well, Bob Dylan —i say and he looks at me like _seriously?,_ because it's obvious since he's wearing a Bob Dylan's t-shirt—. maybe a little bit of blink-182 but i'm not sure since i haven't heard a lot of them and you have the looks of a big green day fan—. i try to guess and he nods.

—impressive —he says, making me feel proud of myself—. well, i feel like you listen to a lot of the smiths —he says and i look down. he really got me there.

i love the smiths. probably my favorite artist.

—impressive —i say, mimicking his words from just ten seconds ago, making him let out a chuckle.

—you know, i'm really curious about what the fuck are we gonna buy or where are we going.

—it's gonna be fun, trust me —i tell him. if he liked the tree, he's gonna like what we're doing next.

—we met three hours ago, so i'm not sure if i should trust you —he teases and i roll my eyes at him, making him let out a laugh.

—you literally stole apples with me and after that you don't trust me? unbelievable —i sarcastically say.

i'm not surprised by the fact that he doesn't trust me, even if he does, but if he didn't, i wouldn't be shocked.

—what time is it? —i ask.

—2:38 am —he informs me as he puts his phone back into the pocket of his jeans.

we don't say much until we reach the gas station and i jump off with Calum following me suit.

—refill the tank —I tell him as i pull out the money to pay, already knowing what costs the foil here and he nods. i walk inside the little store to buy what i'm looking for.

—hey, Reagan —Jonah says as i walk inside the little store and i immediately sense that something is wrong, so i frown.

he's an old man, around his sixty, who has known me since the day i was born, so he's quite close to me.

—uhm, do you have any? —i ask him, not wanting to ask what's wrong. i already know and i'm not in the mood. i'm having a great night with Calum and i don't want to hear it.

i honestly don't.

—yeah, actually —he replies with a smile as he grabs a bag from the floor.

he has a little garden in his house and plants strawberries, so whenever he has left overs or something, he gives them to me.

—great —i say and i turn around to go grab a carton of hot chocolate already prepared that he sells and walk back to the counter. i hand him a two-dollar bill, since i pay for the chocolate, but not for the strawberries.

—Reagan, i have bad news —he starts and i sigh, looking down at the ground—. he was at the bar today.

—he's always at the bar—. i say, but i know that if he's telling me this is because something was different about tonight—. how much? —i ask him, really, really scared of the answer, with a soft voice, almost not even audible.

—eight thousand —he breathes out and it literally hits me like motherfucking train as i let out a gasp.

eight fucking thousand dollars.

i run my hands through my hair in frustration. i'm about to punch a wall in madness.

—thank you for telling me, Jonah —i simply say and i grab the bag full of strawberries and the hot chocolate before walking out of the door.

—are you alright? —Calum asks concerned and i nod, not wanting to talk about it.

—where do you live? i'll drop you there, because i really need to go home —i coldly say, ignoring his question.

—why? is everything okay?— he asks again and i shake my head, wanting him to stop asking questions.

—it's none of your business, Calum. you don't care and that's fine—. i say, but before he can argue with me, i continue—. i'm sorry our night ends here, but it had to happen eventually and just so you know, it was really fun.

—it's okay, i get that you need to go home for some reason, but why can't you tell me what's wrong? i do care —he says, but i shake my head.

he's way too sweet to be truthful.

—we agreed in no pasts and that when the night ends, everything ends —i remind him, refusing to tell him what's wrong and i immediately turn around to look forward.

—i know what we agreed, but- —he starts, but i cut him off.

—no buts. a deal is a deal —i say dead serious and he sighs, knowing that i'm not gonna open up to him like that. i liked the conversation we had earlier, and he proved me that he's a guy you can have a really good one with and everything i said is completely true, but i opened up enough with that.

i start the engine and drive off. he doesn't ask or argue with me during the whole ride to his house and i park the car ten minutes later in his driveway.

—thanks —he shortly says and i stay quiet, waiting for him to get out of the truck—. i had a lot of fun with you even if it ended before it had to —he adds and this time i look at him with a small smile.

—me too, Calum —i softly say, and even if it isn't all he wants, it's more or less enough, so he smiles back at me before opening the door.

—bye, Reagan. it was really nice meeting you.

—it was nice meeting you too, Calum —i say and he shuts the door of my car.

i let out a big sigh, my mind going back what the fuck i can do about those eight thousand dollars.

i don't have eight thousand dollars.

by far.

i start the engine to drive to my house before i break down crying right here. i have the feeling that i'm gonna have to sell the house and move to another place or something.

i park the car in the driveway and take a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before opening the door, closing it behind me. i take out my key to open the front door of my house and I see him, sitting in the couch, watching tv. a beer in his hands and like four empty bottles above the coffee table.

—can you explain to me why the fuck did you lose eight thousand dollars? —i ask, really serious, because i'm really, really mad.

—oh, fuck off. we can talk about this tomorrow, but right now i wanna watch the football game —he groans and i let out a gasp, because the fact that he doesn't care, makes me even more mad.

—if you actually think that, you're more stupid than i thought —i scoff, grabbing the remote that's resting above the table to turn off the tv.

—give me the fucking remote, Reagan —he commands as he stands up but i shake my head.

even if he's drunk and he doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't have the balls to hit me or anything. i'm not scared of him because even if he's an alcoholic and i'd be better off without him, he's not a bad person. i like to believe that on the inside, he's still the same dad he once was.

—we're gonna talk about this right now —i say and he sighs, knowing that i'm a really stubborn person and that if i have an idea inside my head, no one will ever stop me from achieving it.

—i almost had them. tomorrow i can- —he starts, but i cut him off, tired of him giving me the same excuse he gives every fucking day.

—that's luck! that's fucking luck, dad! you say that every day and guess how many times you've won! zero! and you know that we're not lucky. at all. luck is never on our side and you know that! —i yell desperately.

it's true. if we depend on luck, we're fucked. it's like if we can't do anything about something, the coin will never flip and fall how we want it to.

we're not lucky and we need to start accepting that.  
  
—Reagan, tomorrow-

—NO DAD! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, BECAUSE YOU'LL WIN ONE IN A MILLION TIMES, DON'T YOU FUCKING GET THAT!? AND TELLING ME EVERYDAY THAT THE NEXT DAY YOU'RE GONNA WIN, NEVER WORKS! TOMORROW WILL NEVER GIVE US BACK OUR EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS! —i continue scream even louder, not knowing what else to do.

at this point, my face is bright red, the vein in my neck pops out and my eyes in the verge of tears. i feel useless and pathetic and helpless. i'm never gonna be able to turn that money in less than three days, because we have three days. we always have three days and normally it's two hundred, which with a little bit of extra hours at work, i can make it. if it's a little over a thousand, we starve a little bit, i work more, i go to more parties to win extra money... but i can't win eight thousand dollars within seventy-two hours.

—my salary doesn't even reach two thousand monthly and i can barely pay for the water and the electricity, so how the fuck do you expect me to earn that money?! —i continue to yell.

i'm desperate. i need him to understand that if he keeps going like this, we will have to live in the street or in a one square meter apartment.

—you're gonna ask for extra hours at your job and also ask the guy you owe eight thousand dollars to, to give us more time and i'm gonna work more hours as well, do you get that? —i tell him, dead serious.

if he asks extra for hours, he will be in better terms with his boss, because dad doesn't always go to work and if he does extra hours, maybe he could fix things with him in some way, or earn a raise.

i don't know, honestly, i'm just hoping that we will be able to pay for his mistake.

—what do i have to do for you to stop going to the fucking bar and get drunk and play and lose money every day? —i softly ask, looking down, not having enough energy nor strength to yell.

i don't want to.

—i'm gonna go to sleep and when i wake up, i hope you're gone because you went to work and i don't give a fuck if it's friday night and if it's almost half past three in the morning —i finish and he just stays quiet, but i know he's gonna do what i just told him. maybe he doesn't realize it a lot, but he knows that the problem we have is really bad. maybe not fully, but he knows it a little.

i turn around to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and when i finish, i walk into my room. i don't bother on changing into other clothes and i just lay down on bed to go to sleep.


	4. iv

my head has been spinning since i laid down in bed to go to sleep. i just can't seem to be able to fall asleep while i have so many things running around my head. i have until monday to get eight thousand dollars and i have no idea how to, to a point where i may go crazy. i don't know what's gonna happen if i don't have the money by the beginning of the next week, but if one of the possibilities is gonna end in death, i think I'm gonna pass.

my eyes shoot open as soon as i come up with the best idea in the world. one that's probably gonna save my butt, so i get up immediately, grab a hoodie and the car keys before heading out of the house. i get in the car and turn on the engine in the direction of an old club i used to go every weekend.

i park the car and get inside. the red lights blinding me a little, all the men and women sitting in the couches, watching the show. the girls above the stage, the poles... it's all like it was two years ago.

yes, it's a striptease club.

my eyes search for certain guy as i walk around the club and when i spot those shoulders i would recognize anywhere, i sit down in the couch next to him. i grab the drink he has in between his fingers and take a sip teasingly as he stares at me.

—always the same cocktail —i whisper and even if there's really loud music playing, i know he heard me.  
  
—long time no see —he says scooting closer to me and i just smirk at him.

—i agree —i say, taking another sip and licking my lips just the way i know he loves it.

—oh, babygirl, i knew you'd come back —he whispers seductively in my ear, his hand in my thigh, tracing a line upwards.

—you and i are gonna have some fun —i whisper back and my hand travels to the bulge he has on his pants.

—you're hurting me —he groans and i give him an innocent smile.

—oh, am i? i'm sorry —i say, holding that bulge even tighter, making him twitch.

—what do you want, Jones? —he blurts out with a breathy voice, clenching whenever i give him a squeeze.

—remember when i quit two years ago? —i start my story—. answer me —i command and he nods.

—feisty. as always —he blurts out and i just grab him tighter, making him regret his comment.

—and do you remember why i quit? —i ask, losening my grip on him a little bit so that he can talk.

—because i tried to have sex with you —he admits and i nod with a smile.

—exactly. well, lucky me that when you stopped because i hit you in the balls, you stormed off the changing room and i punched the wall in madness so hard that something really interesting fell off the top shelf —i continue, his eyes widening when he realizes where this is going.

—you b- —he tries to say something, but as soon as my grip on his bulge gets tighter, he shuts up.

—a camera —i whisper in his ear and since i see a lot of people looking at me weirdly, i know that if i don't want them to get suspicious, i have to do something. i climb on his lap and start kissing his neck, making him moan.

—i forgot how great you are at this —he mumbles, making me smirk and i stand up, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him with me.

i enter the bathroom with him behind me and lock the door.

—let's continue —i say, my body no longer against his—. it's interesting because i know for a fact that there was never a security camera in the changing room, even less a normal camera —i explain as his jaw clenches, which makes me smirk—. you put that there every night to see us change.

—so? —he scoffs, wanting to go to the point, knowing that he's gonna end up losing.

—so, this is what we're gonna do. you're gonna pay me four thousand dollars to not say anything about the rape attempt and four thousand dollars more for all the videos of those girls i have —i command, knowing that he's gonna give in.

i mean, if he doesn't, those two things can make him go to jail for a good amount of time.

and before you tell me that this is also about all those girls he has recorded, don't worry, because i told them and i erased every single video they appeared in. i only got mines: when i'm changing and when he tried to touch me without my consent, so i'm not using anybody's video but mine here.

—first of all, i can only make that transference through the bank and a lot of other people will see it, so don't you think it will be a little bit suspicious? —he asks and i start laughing.

he really thinks i haven't thought of that.

how adorable.

—well, four thousand dollars was my salary because as you know, i'm really popular around here and legally, if i get fired, you still have to pay me the month, so you can say that, because no one knows if i quit or if i got fired —i explain and he stays quiet.

he knows perfectly fine that until now, my plan has no flaws.

when i was a stripper, i was one of the crowd's favorites and people paid a lot the nights i was one of the girls, so my salary was fucking amazing. of course, i quit because i didn't want to work with someone that was about to do something to me that i didn't want him to do.

—what about the other four thousand?

—oh, you can say whatever you want to. that you had to pay me another month when you discovered that the transference went wrong one time and you had to do it again... i don't know. i give you full freedom to decide what you say if someone asks.

—what if i say no?

—oh, well, you go to jail —i reply with an innocent smile on my face.

—i do, but since this is probably about your dad not being able to make up for his own mistakes, you could end up dead, so i think i win —he teases and i frown, because that makes no sense. if he doesn't do what i say, i can go to the police tonight or tomorrow and maybe i end up dead, but he ends up in jail, which isn't that different from dying.

—oh, babyboy —i tease, walking closer to him and push him backwards so that his back is against the wall—. you're still dumb, aren't you? —i whisper in his ear and grab his bulge once again, this time more softly and teasingly—. anyway. what if i add something to our deal? since you're fucking rich and for me, a thousand dollars is like a dollar to you, you give me the money, i erase the videos and we have some real fun —i continue to whisper, making him groan.

—if you think that blackmailing me is fun, i'm gonna pass —he replies and i smirk at him.

—no, no, no, no, i mean real fun. how sounds fucking the shit out of each other until the sun comes out? well, until it goes down again tomorrow? —i whisper and when he clenches his jaw, i continue, wanting to push him over the edge—. i can scream your name if you want to and fuck you until i have you screaming mine and cumming inside of me.

he doesn't say anything, so i start kissing down his neck and when i know he's about to give in because his pants are about to explode, i go back to his ear and say one more word.

—deal?

—deal —he says with a grumpy voice and wastes no time in lifting me up by the ass, making me wrap my legs around his waist. he sits me up besides the bathroom sink—. god, you're so sexy —he mumbles when I take off my t-shirt and he runs his hands up and down my body. i take off his as well before attaching my lips to his neck once again and with one hand, i grab his phone that he has in his back pocket.

—wait, what if you let me go change in something more appropriate and i will let you even rip it off if you want to? —i suggest against his lips and he nods eagerly, making me smirk as i pull away.

i grab my t-shirt that's on the floor and before i can walk out of the bathroom, he grabs me by the waist and smashes his lips on mine. i pull away and send him a smile. i turn around to rush out and with the back of my hand wipe my lips, disgusted.

if he actually thinks i'm gonna sleep with him when he tried to rape me, he's fucking insane. i just needed to get his phone to make the transference.

i get in the changing room, pulling out the phone and unlocking it, because he hasn't changed the password since i quit. he's too dumb to remember a new one, probably. i make the transference of eight thousand dollars to my account, because nowadays you can do it through almost any device. i let the phone above the dressing table before heading out, but turn around to grab it.

i need a new phone actually.

i rush out, not wanting him to find me or anything, so i get out of the club through the back door, that leads to a really dark little street.

—where do you think you're going? —Rick asks, grabbing me by the wrist, turning me around and i just try to get away from his grip.

—home —i reply confident, turning around once again to walk down the street, but he grabs my waist and pulls me closer to him.

—the fun part was part of our deal.

—you said it yourself: _was_. _—_ i scoff, pushing him away by the shoulders and before he can do anything else, the back door flies open, hitting him really, really hard in the head, to a point where he falls to the floor. my jaw drops.

—you okay? —an extremely familiar voice says, making my head snap towards the boy who opened the door

Calum.

—yeah, yeah. i am —i breathe out, before turning around to walk to my car.

—hey, wait! —he calls out, but i ignore him completely—. i just saved you! —he yells and i gasp as i turn around to look at him.

—come on, mate, don't you think i could've handle this idiot by myself? let me guess, you thought i needed a savior or some shit? well, i can take care of myself, thank you very much —i snap at him, making him frown.

—okay calm down, i know you can. i met you five hours ago and all you've shown me is how independent you are, so yeah, i know you had it controlled, but i helped you, so you could simply say thank you —he says, annoyance clearly in his voice and i look down.

—i know, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have snapped at you like that. thank you, but for the record, i had it all under control —i say with a soft voice and a smirk at the end. i earn a laugh from him.

—you dropped me off at my house, telling me that you needed to go home. why did you leave? am i that boring that you just wanted to end our night and go to a strip club —he asks and i let out a chuckle.

—you're not boring, Calum, don't worry —i reply playfully, dodging the other question.

—well thank you, what a relief —he continues joking, making me smile widely—. you're gonna ignore the other question, aren't you?

—yup —i say, knowing that he doesn't mind me not answering his question.

he doesn't have any right to push me, because we met each other five hours ago probably, so he knows enough about me.

before he says something else, i grab the phone i just stole and take off the sim card. maybe he can track it or something and i don't really want him to find out where i live. i'm so glad he doesn't know that. otherwise, i'd already be dead by now.

—what are you doing? —he asks as i break the little card and throw it to the trash can right beside the door.

—i just stole this dude's phone —i explain with a laugh and he frowns a little before looking down, a smile playing on his lips.

i, of course, leave aside that i also stole eight thousand dollars. it wasn't exactly stealing, it was more like selling my silence, you know?

—do you wanna resume our night? —he asks when i put the phone back in my pocket.

—i still have something to take care of first and afterwards i'm going to sleep, but if you want to, you can come with me —i tell him.

i know he's gonna find out about the eight thousand and probably about my dad's addiction and a lot of other really personal stuff, but i like this guy. he's not from here, he's not like all these people around here, he didn't think i'm crazy when i told him so casually that i stole a phone... i don't know, he doesn't judge and even if i don't trust people easily, he's gaining mine really quickly.

—sure, i'm down. are we robbing a bank? —he playfully asks and i let out a laugh as i walk towards my truck with him behind me.

—close, but no. we're actually saving mine and my dad's butt —i explain, not wanting to give any more details.

i jump in the driver's seat, him in the passenger's and i turn on the radio before even driving off. i park the car in the driveway, right in front of the pub my dad always goes to get drunk and lose money. i get out of the car, not saying anything to Calum and he just follows me. i step in and my eyes immediately find the back of the king of the game in this town.

Joe.

he has won thousands and thousands to my dad and i think he has never lost one game, which makes me think that he cheats.

—what is this place? —Calum asks from behind me, but i ignore him.

—well, well, well... are you here to tell me there's no way you can have the money by monday? because if that's the case, i probably will have to kill you and your father —Joe smirks, letting down the beer he's holding and earning a laugh from all the other men and women that are surrounding him.

—actually, i do have it —i scoff, rolling my eyes at his cockiness, making his eyebrows shoot upwards.

—well, and where is it?

—in my bank account, i just have to make the transference and you'll never hear from me or my father again.

—great, do it, just like every other weekend where your dad messes up —Joe says, that smirk still on his face.

i just roll my eyes as i take out my phone and make the transference. he receives a notification on his phone and when he sees that it's the bank telling him that he just won eight thousand dollars, his smirk grows even bigger.

—amazing, sweetheart and tell your dad that he can come by to play another game tomorrow —he laughs and i just turn around, grabbing Calum's wrist in the process and walking out of the pub.

—i have a lot of questions —he mumbles, with a frown on his face as he gets in the car once again.

—my dad is an alcoholic and he's also addicted to the game, so tonight he lost eight thousand dollars to the guy inside the pub. he loses every time and gives me the excuse every fucking day that he was really close and that the next day he'll win, but that's bullshit. he never does, so i'm the one who has to fix everything up whenever he goes to the pub —i explain, looking down at my hands, really nervous and a little embarrassed.

—how did you get eight thousand dollars? —he asks.

—well, i kind of had to blackmail one of the guys in the striptease club. i have something that can make him go to jail and he basically bought my silence —i shortly answer his question, not wanting to give details about how i almost had to full on make out with him—. and now that i'm telling you everything, i may also tell you that i used to work there, as a stripper —i finish, really, really embarrassed.

this is not something i'm proud of. i hated working there, but they paid well and i needed the money desperately. and not gonna lie, the pole thing was extremely fun.

—you were a stripper? —he asks in disbelief and for my surprise, he doesn't sound judgmental, he just sounds curious and shocked, i'd say.

—yup. they weren't the best years of my life —i reply awkwardly—. but now i work in a bookstore down the street.

—you must know a lot about books, then —he says and i laugh as i shake my head.

—oh, no, believe me. i have no idea of books. i read some here and there, but i've never been a big fan and that's on school making me read books i had no interest in, so since i couldn't read out of pleasure, i grew to hate it and now i don't really read —i explain—. by the way, what were you doing in the strip club? —i suddenly ask, realizing that he knows why i was there and i don't know his reason.

—i was walking around and saw you enter. i wanted to talk to you and ask you if everything was okay, but i lost you in the crowd until i saw you running out through the back door —he replies and i nod.

it makes sense.

i drive off to his house and i park the car in his driveway once we get there.

—so, this is the final goodbye? —he asks and i nod—. you really expect me to forget all this night?

—we don't have to forget the night, we just have to let each other go —i say, making him look down. i feel bad now, so i force myself to continue—. but since this is a little town, i doubt that our paths won't ever cross again, so instead of goodbye, i'm just gonna say: see you later, aussie —i add, a smile making its way to his face and a minute later, he hops off the car.

—see you later, Reagan.


	5. v

my eyes shoot open when the alarm goes off and i hit the little clock above the nightstand beside me. once it stops ringing, i roll out of bed to put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and some snickers before walking downstairs.

i don't see my dad in any room or place of the house, which makes me smile, because it means that he went to work, just like i told him to. he's been going for the past three days, which i think is his new record.

i told him that the guy gave me a week, so now he's working really hard to get those eight thousand dollars i already have and gave to Joe. of course, i didn't tell him that so that he went to work. like this we can earn a little bit of extra money. besides, going to work is something he should do every day despite having a debt or not.

unless he's back at the bar, which i doubt. he can't afford the alcohol there, so he always buys it at that gas station i went the other day and Jonah would've called if he saw him around. the old man tells me that he can always not sell him the alcohol, but he legally has to if the person he's selling it to is over twenty-one, so i always tell him that it's okay. Jonah has helped me a lot with my dad and seems to be like the babysitter, so i'm not gonna tell him that he can't sell him alcohol. my dad is a grown-up man and if he's an asshole and an immature dickhead, it's on him, not on the poor man who works in a gas station.

i make myself some breakfast and walk out of the house to go to work. within twenty minutes, i walk inside the bookstore and greet my boss, Anne.

she's around her forties, black hair and brown eyes. she's divorced and has a nine-year-old kid named Steve.

i know it sounds lame, but he's like my best friend.

since Anne is a single mom, during summer she always takes him with her to work and that's how i met him. when he has school, he only comes in the afternoons and i help him with his homework during my break or if there aren't a lot of costumers.

—Steve!! —i yell when i see him and he jumps in my arms.

—i have homework for the summer —he groans, making me laugh. he grabs from above the counter a little notebook with math problems inside.

—well, i'm gonna help you with them then —i say, making him smile.

his school year ended last friday, the night i met Calum. talking about certain boy, i haven't heard from him or even seen him, which makes me feel a little bit bittersweet. i don't know if i should feel happy or disappointed, because honestly, i don't even know if i want to see him again.

i walk towards the kid's section with Steve and he sits down at the table to start doing his homework while i organize the books and put some that we bought on its place.

time passes and i spend my whole shift attending costumers, sorting books and helping Steve with his math problems that are like: _"if Mackenzie buys seventy-two watermelons and Jackson has one third more than Mackenzie, how many do they have together?"_ and stuff like that. they're really easy, but not realistic, because watermelons? what the fuck.

when it's 7 pm, we close the store, i say goodbye to them and jump in my car to drive home.

i see dad sitting in the couch when i enter the house, but no bottles of beer, no cigarettes and no nothing. just him, in the couch, watching a tv show like c.s.i new york.

—you didn't go to the bar today? —i ask, his head snapping towards me.

i don't see any sign of alcohol in his yes. they're not red, just tired from all the working probably.

—nope. i went to work at six in the morning and returned like half an hour ago. then i showered, made dinner and now i'm watching tv —he explains, with a smile on his face, my eyebrows raising in surprise.

he goes back to what he was doing and i enter the kitchen to see a plate full of pasta resting in the counter and a glass of water beside it.

wow.

i go back to the living room with the plate in hand and sit beside him.

—it's been a while since the last time we spent some time together, huh? —i say once the chapter of the tv show ends and he looks at me with a sad face.

—yeah... but i'm trying to go back to the person i was before Chase died —he mumbles, making me smile.

—i know and i'm proud of you for that —i say, pulling him in a hug. a big one, because I honestly need it.

i need my dad. always have, always will.

—you're really strong and i hope that if i mess up again, you don't give up on me, just like you never have —he whispers and i nod.

—i can't give up on you.

it's true. i can't.

i actually think we can make it out of this one, just like we did all the other times something got in our way.

i get up from the couch and walk in the kitchen to let the now empty plate in the sink. i open the fridge to take out the bottle of water, but when i see those strawberries resting in the top shelf, i smile. i take the box out and the chocolate from one of the cupboards.

—i'm going out for a while, okay? i'll be back before midnight —i say to my dad, giving him a quick hug.

i grab a hoodie, the keys and phone and walk out of the house to jump in my truck. i drive off towards Calum's house and once i've parked the car in his driveway, i hop off. i walk to his porch and ring the doorbell.

—hi —i say when i have Calum standing in front of me on the other side of the door.

—hi —he greets me back, clearly confused.

—i still have what i bought last friday —i shyly say, making him smirk as he steps out of his house and closes the door behind me.

—impress me —he playfully says and i grab his wrist, pulling him with me towards the truck. we both get in and i drive off towards one of my favorite places. he puts on the cd of best shit ever i made with my dad and we sing along to every single one of the songs, because it isn't called best shit ever for nothing.

i park the car in a firewall before jumping off with him following me. i grab two beers from that little fridge in the back of my car, the strawberries and the chocolate. i sit down at the edge of the hill, above the soft, green grass.

—a hill? —he asks and i nod—. that's so like movies —he laughs and i roll my eyes.

—i know, but it's pretty perfect and a great spot to think even if it's cliché or whatever —i defend myself.

yes, it's really cliché, but what if it is? i love this is spot and i don't care if a lot of other people also have their spot at the top of a hill. i like it, whether it's cliché or not.

—we're gonna lay down and watch the stars and kiss? —he jokes and i roll my eyes at him once again.

—are you that obsessed with me already? —i tease, this time him being the one who rolls his eyes.

—no, but just so you know, a guy can fall in love within eight seconds —he says as he sits down and my eyes widen.

—wait really? —i ask in disbelief, that being the last thing i expect.

—yup.

—eight seconds? —i ask again, finding it pretty hard to believe.

—it's a psychology fact, actually, so it's proven —he adds and i just nod, not knowing what else to say—. while women take around two weeks.

—wait, so that means that you could perfectly fine be in love with me but i couldn't?

—i'm not an expert or anything, but you could be in love with me because it doesn't mean that in less than two weeks you can't love someone, it's just that normally it takes you around fourteen days —he explains and i nod before grabbing the box that's resting by my side.

i put it in front of us, just like the chocolate and open the carton by the top so that we can soak the strawberries in it and hand him one of the beers.

—wow, how sophisticate —he says, making me laugh.

i grab the first strawberry, sinking it in the chocolate before bringing it to my lips to take a bite.

—you're really lucky, you know? —i start, as he does the same as me and he brings his attention towards me.

—and why's that?

—i don't share my strawberries —i reply, making him laugh as he brings the fruit to his lips—. and just you know, they're the best strawberries in the entire world —i point out and he lets out a moan while nodding.

—so, —he stars, turning to his side to look at me— what about not seeing each other ever again? —he asks with a big smirk on his face, making me want to punch him.

—first of all, you broke that rule first when you followed me inside the striptease club —i point out and he raises his hands in the air in surrender.

—fair enough, but, i bumped into you and decided to talk to you; i didn't go to your house to ask you to eat strawberries with chocolate at the top of a hill with me at almost 10 pm —he argues, making me look down.

he's got a point even if i don't want to admit it.

—i just felt bad about ending our night because of personal business that i ended up telling you about two hours later and when i saw the strawberries in the fridge, i just- i needed to share them with you —i explain, being completely honest.

—i'm sorry, but mrs. all guys are shit just admitted that we're kind of friends? and guess what, you like me and i'm a guy —he teases and i nudge him in the arm.

—i never said we're friends —i stubbornly snap and he rolls his eyes with the biggest smirk plastered on his face.

—yeah, right, because you normally ask a guy you just met to go seek adventures with you and telling him that no names and that no seeing each other anymore and three days later you come knocking at his door, but hey, you don't consider him your friend —he sarcastically says, making me laugh as i look down, shaking my head.

i hate this guy.

*smiles sheepishly, though.*

—fine, fine, Calum Thomas Hood, you are, —i start, making him smile widely at me and he just waits for me to continue— not my friend. i laugh and his face falls.

—jerk —he mumbles and he throws himself on top of me before starting to tickle me.

—y-you better s-stop —i yell, laughing my ass off because i literally have tickles in every single part of my body. or almost in every single one.

—not if you don't say i'm your friend —he says, continuing to tickle me in the sides of my waist, making me move like a seal.

—Calum T-Thomas H-Hood, y-you a-are my f-f-friend —i finally blurt out in between laughs. he immediately stops and sits back up, taking my hand to help me up as well—. fuck you —i mumble, grabbing another strawberry and sinking it in the chocolate.

—now i get why you don't have friends, you're rude to everyone —he scoffs, making my jaw drop as i put a hand in the left side of my chest playfully.

—excuse you? i have friends. Steve —i cockily say and he looks at me in disbelief.

—Steve? —he asks and i nod.

—yeah, he's nine years-old and he's my boss' son —i say, snapping my fingers forming a _z_ , making him laugh.

—don't worry, you're also my only friend —he admits and i stretch my hand out in a fist for him to give me fist-bump.

silence falls upon us, so i decide to change subject into a more interesting one.

—so —i start, turning around, just like he did just a couple of minutes before—. Calum Thomas Hood —I continue, a smile playing in his lips as he looks at me—. you know a ton load of shit about me, so i think it's your turn to tell me about yourself.

—fair enough —he says, taking a sip of beer before speaking up again—. what do you wanna know? —he asks as i put another strawberry in my mouth.

—what are you running away from? —i ask my question once my mouth is no longer full of food.

—i knew that was coming —he mumbles and i just wait for him to continue—. when i was fifteen, i got my first girlfriend and i fell so in love with her that i actually thought i would end up marrying her —he starts, making me imagine in my head where i think this is going, even if i have no clue and i don't think i'm right—. when i was seventeen, i came back home from soccer practice and no one was home. i got confused, because i always got home pretty late, so they were all waiting for me to come back, but no one was there that day.

he pauses, looking at the view in front of us.

—they didn't answer any of the over thirty times i called them. i had no idea of where they were, until i entered my parent's bedroom and saw a lot of blood on the bed and the carpet —he continues, pausing again, not looking at me, but i can't take my eyes off him.

this is going so different from what i had in mind and it's so much more awful.

—then, i received a call from the hospital and the doctor told me: _someone entered your house and shot your family_ —he says, whispering at the last part and honestly, i don't get how he isn't crying at this point—. i rushed out of the house as if my life depended on it. i got in the car and drove towards the hospital, crying my eyes out. i'm an overthinker so i was already making the worst scenarios in my mind. millions of possibilities and thoughts running around my head non-stop.

i feel so bad for him. i know that he probably hates when people pity him. at least, i do. but you cannot feel bad for someone after they went through that.

—i entered the hospital and rushed towards the emergency room to wait for someone to tell me what the fuck was going on. i waited, all the doctors telling me that they were in surgery and i just sat there, for hours trying to figure out everything —he says.

it almost feels like he just doesn't feel anything at this point. he has no emotion in his voice. he just stands here, sitting in a hill, looking at the view in front of us, telling me about his past with a monotone voice and a lifeless face.

—i called my girlfriend, because i didn't have friends, i only had her, so i desperately dialed her number in the need of having her with me. she picked it up when i called her for the tenth time and her, really mad, just yelled at me that i couldn't just call her over and over again and that we were over. turns out that she was cheating on me in that moment and she thought it was a good opportunity to break up with me since she was already mad —he explains, my face falling when he says this.

what a fucking bitch.

—so, absolutely heartbroken, that who i thought was the love of my life just ended with me when i was falling apart, i continued sitting in the waiting room. the doctor came out shortly after and told me that they did all they could, but that they didn't make it.

i see a tear running down his face, and me, sucking at comforting people, i just stay still, giving him space. i want him to end the story and then, i'll think about a way of making him feel better. i'm really awkward when i'm the one who has to comfort someone, even more at giving hugs. i doubt that a hug will fix this anyway.

—i felt my world crumbling down. i had no one. my sister, my dad, my mom: all gone; my girlfriend: gone; and i had no friends so i had to go through it alone —he continues, more tears running down his face—. i lived with an adoptive family for two years since i was a minor. i got depression and tried to kill myself a couple of times. when i turned eighteen, i moved back to the house. everything started to get better, my depression eventually went away, but even if i felt like every day it hurt a little bit less, being in that house was more overwhelming as each day that passed by, until a point that it was unbearable. i got in the house and started imagining things. i saw them getting shot and the blood covering the sheets... it hurt less, but at the same time it didn't, so i moved out. i bought a plane ticket to the first place i thought of, not really caring which one it was. i just needed it to be as far away from Sidney as possible. i packed my bags, only with the necessary stuff and left —he finishes, making me look down at my lap, really overwhelmed.

i'm honestly so astonished and surprised and so sad at the same time.

—that's how i ended up here and what i'm running away from —he adds, my gaze drifting from my lap to his eyes, that are already staring at me.

i blink rapidly, debating in my head what i should do and without even letting myself think about it twice, feeling like i've got no time to decide, i climb on his lap and pull him in a big hug. he's a little bit shocked at first, just like me. i don't know why i did that, but seeing him, staring at me, with tears in his eyes and a broken heart, right after pouring it out to me and telling me about his past, made my head stop working. i just did what i felt that it was right.

he wraps his arms around me as well. he lets out a sob, burying his head in the crook of my neck and holding onto me for dear life.

—shhh, it's okay. i got you. i'm here, shhh —i whisper, leaving little pecks in his neck, which makes him relax.

—i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i just- —he starts, but i shake my head, refusing to pull away.

i know a hug won't fix anything, but you know what they say: _"one day, someone is going to hug you so tight, all your broken pieces will glue right back together."_

i just hope that for him, this hug is the hug.


	6. vi

it's been six days since the night in the hill i spent with Calum. we haven't been able to spend a lot of time together since we both have to work a lot during the day, since he got a job in a little restaurant down town, and i'm kinda happy that we don't see each other every day. i'm still getting used to having him as a friend and around and talking to someone not only for a few hours and then move on to the next person. as i said the day i met him, there's nothing compared to meeting someone new every day. i get bored of people pretty easily and fast and right now, Calum is the longest person that i've had around in a long time.

i'm not a _have one friend for life_ kind of girl, nor a _friends_ kind of girl. but i like Calum. he's not from here, so i guess he feels a little bit new. i've been living here my whole life, so i've never met anyone from outside this little town, because like i said: no one moves here, which means that if you wanna meet other people, you're the one that has to get out.

not in this case, though. someone who's not from here ran away and ended up in this shitty town.

i'm kinda thankful for it, even if i don't want to admit it.

i walk inside the diner slash restaurant he works at and sit at the bar. i rest my head in my hands due to the massive hangover i have.

Calum works on saturdays, so every friday night, i have to go partying without him, just like before he popped up in my life. he stops cleaning the counter and walks towards me with a smile playing on his lips.

—well, hey, i haven't seen you in two days. you seem to have just woken up —he points out and i nod, my head falling down until my forehead hits my arms. i just want to sleep honestly, but i told him that we would go partying tonight.

it's 8 pm, i woke up like fifteen minutes ago and he expects me to be able to go partying?

—someone has a big hangover and i also smell anger —he tries to guess. he's spot on, may i add. i just groan, still with my head resting on my hands.

—yes! to both things! i have a massive hangover from yesterday and my one-night stand sucked in bed —i say, raising my voice, making every single person in the diner to look at me. i shrug, a little embarrassed, while Calum just chuckles.

—you got laid? —he asks and i nod.

—well, yeah, but it wasn't pleasurable at all! —i say, my voice loud, but not enough for everyone to hear me—. sex is for more than one person, so you also have to take care of the other! they also have to feel something! he literally pumped into me, came thirty seconds later and that's it! i didn't feel anything! like, he was inside me-

—i don't need the details, Ray —he laughs and i scratch the back of my neck, looking down, embarrassed.

—yeah, sorry. i ramble on sometimes —i mumble.

—want me to get you something? —he asks and i nod, so he hands me the menu—. hey, cheer up, okay? tonight we're going partying again. i wanna get laid too —he says, making me laugh at the last part.

—me too, because today's didn't really feel like sex —i complain and he rolls his eyes—. oh, and the pancakes, please —i say, handing him back the menu.

—got it.

he turns around to walk into the kitchen and also attends some costumers while i just sit there, really bored and with a hell of a headache.

—there you go —he says, sliding me a plate full of those pancakes that make my mouth water—. and also take this, it will make you feel better —he adds, handing me also a glass of water and a pill.

—thank you, Cal —i truthfully say, making him smile softly.

—i get off in ten minutes so do you wanna head there? —he asks and i groan.

the only place i wanna head to right now, is my bed.

—i told you we could go to a party on saturday and you go on a friday night and you expect to be able to go? —he says with a laugh and i slap him in his arm—. you can stay home, i'll go by myself —he says but i shake my head.

—absolutely not. i'm going. i want good sex —i say, making him roll his eyes.

—fine.

time passes, not a lot, because he only has ten minutes left before his shift ends. once it's half past eight, he grabs his stuff from behind the counter and we both walk out of the diner.

—okay, i don't know what you gave me, but it's lit as fuck, because it's fucking working —i say, really surprised that my headache is vanishing really fast.

—it's a normal aspirin —he says with a laugh.

—oh.

we walk towards the party, since i left my truck at home. we're ten minutes away from the party anyway and this town is pretty little, so within twenty minutes you can cross all of it. the car isn't really necessary, but if i go to the hill, that's further, i usually take the car. also, because otherwise, i would have to go all the way to the top and if i take the truck, it's only five minutes.

—so, what have you planned? going straight to the first guy you see and ask him to have sex with you? or you're gonna have the detail to make a little bit of small talk? —he teases and i nudge him with my elbow. it doesn't do much, because he just laughs.

—i think i'm just gonna roll with the flow —i say and i make a weird face when i finish my sentence, because what i just said is so lame.

—what the fuck —he mumbles, starting to laugh and i just join him, because i honestly don't know—. roll with the flow —he repeats, still laughing. i slap him on the back of his neck, making him let out a yelp before going back to laughing his ass off—. that's so lame —he blurts out, putting a hand on his chest as his laughter dies down.

—i don't know! it just came to me! —i argue.

i know that roll with the flow exists. i know i didn't make it up right now, but it's just something i've never said and i would've died happily if it had stayed that way.

—you're still drunk or some shit? —he asks and i raise my shoulders.

—i don't know, for how much time can someone stay drunk? —i ask and he shrugs, clearly not knowing and probably not giving a fuck as well.

we enter the house when we get there, the loud, awful music consuming my ears. i feel like they're about to bleed, although it doesn't surprise me because the music is the same every fucking night. they don't bother on changing the playlist every now and then and there's not a lot of songs, so by now, i know these songs better than the ones i have in the cds in my car.

—i've heard this song last week like three times —Calum mumbles, squeezing whenever he has to walk in between two people really close to each other.

we make it to the kitchen and i grab two bottles of beer from inside the fridge, handing him one. we walk out and stand in one corner, making small talk, neither one of us wanting to dance. that's until i see a girl checking Calum out for at least five minutes straight. she bites her lip at one point and i start laughing.

—what? —the guy in front of me says, clearly confused.

—don't look, but a girl has been checking you out for the past ten minutes and sending me death glares —i say, his eyes widening.

—right now i'm not in the mood for it —he groans, but i completely ignore him.

—you know? i'm gonna help you. we're gonna do it at the _how i met your mother_ way —i say and he frowns, even though i know he's watched the tv show. apart from being good for your health, how i met your mother is one of the best tv shows ever created.

—what do you m- —he starts as i walk towards the girl, pulling him with me by the wrist and i cut him off.

—hey, have you met Calum? —i say, just like Barney does. before giving him the chance to say anything, i pat him in the chest twice, send him an innocent smile and walk away.

i walk upstairs, carefully not to trip. i don't have a lot of vision, because this part of the house is the darkest and if you don't look where you put your feet, you're more likely to fall down. that's another thing i hate about this house. if you're drunk, you can't go upstairs. well, in this house and in any other house. if you're wasted, i recommend you to go to dance, talk to people, but never use the stairs.

when i'm about to make it to the last step of the staircase, i bump into someone, due to the fact that i'm looking at my feet, making me stumble backwards. a hand sneaks around my waist, stopping me from falling.

—wow —he breathes out once he sees me and pulls me towards him so that i'm no longer resting all my weight on him—. you okay? —he asks, pretty concerned and i nod.

—yeah, i'm fine thanks —i reply, feeling pretty uncomfortable because his hand is still around my waist.

—i'm Dylan —he introduces himself and i send him a small smile.

—uhm, Reagan —i say and he stretches his free hand for me to shake. i chuckle, not expecting it, but i take it and shake it.

—nice to meet you —he says, looking down at my lips quickly before turning his gaze backwards to find my eyes.

i don't have any interest on making small talk and considering that he wants the same thing as me, i go straight to the point and wrap my arms around his neck before pressing my lips on his. i know he's really shocked, but eventually relaxes and kisses me back.

he turns us around so that i'm pinned against the wall. i move towards the first door i see, knowing that it's a bedroom. with one hand, i open it. we both step inside. he locks it behind his back before grabbing me by the back of my thighs, lifting me up and laying me down in the bed. i take off my t-shirt, just like he does before pressing his lips on mine, resting each of his hands on either side of my body.

he trails a line of kisses down my neck, making me let out a quiet moan. my hands travel to his pants and i start to unbutton them. i flip us over, making his lips leave my neck. i attach mine to his jawline, going downwards. i leave sloppy kisses on his neck, collarbones and later on, his chest. he groans when i reach his pants.

—fuck, look how hard daddy is for you —he moans out, making me stop completely as i freeze.

don't tell me he has a daddy kink shit or whatever.

—i'm fucking leaving —i say, standing up.

i know that a lot of people like that, but the word _daddy,_ scares me a hell of a lot. it's so kinky and there's no way i'm calling someone around my age daddy. just- no, absolutely not.

—no, wait —he says, also standing up, but ignore him as i continue to put on my t-shirt.

—it was nice meeting you, but no. i'm not doing whatever that you're into —i say, feeling really awkward. i get out of the room, leaving him there, with a big boner.

i walk downstairs, not even being careful at this point. i just want to get out of that house.

i'm open to a lot of things when it comes to sex. if the other person wants to try a position or a technique... whatever. i'm open to try new things and experiment, but i'm not gonna give in to call him daddy.

i enter the kitchen to grab a beer, since the i finished the first one before i even bumped into that guy. Dylan, i think his name was.

i see Calum making out with that girl in the same corner him and i were talking earlier and i smirk, really proud of myself.

you're welcome, Calum.

i leave the house, not wanting to bother the guy since he seems pretty busy and because i'm not gonna ruin his night. who knows? maybe he gets laid. thanks to me, may i add.

i take my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans to look at the time. 11:47pm. it's still pretty early, so i just start walking, not even knowing where i'm going, taking sips of beer as i wander around the town.

i find myself in the outsiders of town, of course, in front of the fields of that really rich man, who's actually not rich, and i smile. i like where my feet took me tonight. i climb the fence, walking past the fields for cows and when i reach the trees, right after the little house, i start climbing. i sit down in the platform, just like last friday, with one knee against my chest. i grab an apple from in between all the leaves, pretty hungry and thirsty, but i finished my beer on my way here.

—had a feeling i would find you here —someone says, making a smile grow on my face as my gaze drifts to the guy at the bottom of the tree, looking up at me.

—you left that girl? i saw you pretty into that make out session —i tease, making him roll his eyes.

—at first yes, but then, she called me daddy and i freaked out —he says, making me choke on the apple that i'm eating, his eyes widening at the sigh.

—Ray, are you okay? —he asks with a laugh and i nod.

—yeah, it's just that i know someone who would love to meet her —i say, making him frown, so i elaborate my sentence—. the guy i was about to have sex with, is also into all that daddy shit. i was about to give him a blowjob and he was like: fuck, look how hard daddy is for you. i stood up and left —i explain my night, making him laugh—. like, i'm open to a lot of things, but i'm not gonna call anyone daddy, not even my dad —i add.

—it's exactly what happened to me. it scared me —he says, making me laugh—. oh, and i brought this —he says, handing me a beer.

—you're a fucking life saver, did you know that, Calum Hood? —i playfully say, opening the bottle and taking a sip—. i love beer —i mumble, earning a chuckle from him.

—champagne is way better —he says, my jaw falling as soon as that profanity leaves his mouth.

—did you get electrocuted by one of the fences because i don't think you're thinking clearly —i joke, but honestly, it's pretty logical, unlike what he said.

—ha, ha, ha. funny —he mocks, faking his laugh and i send him an innocent smile, taking another sip.

—so, did your hopeless romantic self think that she wasn't the one? —i tease, loving to do that. i always get a reaction from him. even if it's just a little one like a roll of eyes, it's always funny.

—why do you hate hopeless romantics so much? —he asks and i sit back up a little bit before replying.

—it's not that i hate them, it's just that they have expectations of love that aren't real and i don't get what's the point. they meet a person and they immediately think that they were put in that exact moment with that exact person for a reason. like it was destiny or some shit. they love being attached to someone and having that someone be the reason they wake up every day, and the reason to come back home afterwards. they love the idea of being with one person every fucking day —i say, even if doesn't really answer what he asked.

—you just say that because you feel that a relationship would take all your freedom away. you're so obsessed with the idea of having no pressure, of having your moment of just pure euphoria and freedom that you hate anything else that would get in your way to achieve that —he says and i raise my eyebrows.

—oh, so now, you've got me all figure out, right? —i say and he nods, making me cock my head to one side—. go on, impress me —i playfully say.

—you actually love the idea of love. you think that falling in love with someone is really fucking beautiful, but as i said earlier, you're obsessed with freedom and you hate everything else that could take it away from you. you just want freedom, but no one has ever showed you that love isn't supposed to be like a cage that keeps you from doing what you love or from being who you really are —he starts.

i don't even know if he's right or not, honestly, so i just let him continue.

—you feel so stuck in this little shitty town. that's why you have so many different spots; to keep your sanity and not going crazy. you're a person that needs to be free and can't take orders from others. you feel like you don't belong here, because there's people that simply belong out there, travelling the world in the seek of freedom and you're one of them —he continues, my jaw dropping to the floor, but i close it, not wanting him to get a reaction from me.

i hate when people read me and actually do it right. it scares the shit out of me. i met him a week ago and he's already explaining a whole bible about how my mind works.

—you can't stay in one place for a long time, you get tired of it. you love adventures, you love discovering and trying new things. you love to be wild and free, like nothing matters in the world but what you do in every single moment. that's why you like meeting new people during the night and when the sun rises, saying goodbye just to jump on to the next person. you're just always looking for adventures and if something or someone doesn't or stops giving you that, you leave. you like meeting new people because at first, everyone gives you adventures, but no one keeps giving them to you. it's like they stop being so interesting and prefer to settle down, or mature up too fast. that's why you fucked up all your relationships. i don't know what happened, but i'm so sure that you wanted more than what they gave you. maybe they gave you security and some laughs, but you don't want that. you want passion, you want freedom and you want wildness. that's what you crave. you want someone that doesn't stop giving you adventures after the first week, you want someone to travel the world with and fuck in every city that you go. you want someone to be wild and free with. so you put the idea in your head that you don't have that person because you think that no one else searches what you've been all your life. you think that every relationship will be like the ones you've had, when in reality, you just need someone who can give you what you need.

god, i want to punch him really hard and tell him that he's making all of that up and pulling it out of his ass. that he doesn't know shit about me and that he's just acting like he knows how to read me when he doesn't. the thing is that he's fucking right about every single thing.

i feel like he still has a lot of shit inside that little folder in his head of things that he figured out about me. he's pretty spot on, not gonna lie, but i still wanna tell him that he's fucking wrong.

—you said it yourself: you believe that not all those who wander are lost. you want to wander, to travel until you find your place in the world, even if you don't think there's one for you —he goes on and on, taking sips of beer here and there.

i know that whenever i talk, i have his full attention, but i had no idea that he would actually remember every single thing i say.

i keep on staring at him perplexed, not knowing what to say. at this point, i can't even close my mouth that's hanging wide open. i feel really hypnotized by him and i don't know why.

—during the past week, i've been trying to figure out why. why are you so obsessed with freedom? —he says.

i have to say that this is probably the part i'm most intrigued about, because it's probably the question that i've been also wondering.

—you think that freedom will help you figure out all the stuff going on in your head. you have the idea that freedom is the answer to every single question, thought and wonder you have stuck inside that mind of yours. you feel like as soon as you have that moment, life will give you all those answers about yourself you've been looking for.

he explains whatever his shitty theory is, that i can't even say myself if it's correct or not, because i don't know.

—you put the act of, _i don't need any friends, i don't care, all men are shit, i'm better off without anyone,_ but tell me, why are you here if you don't care? you said that you imagine yourself somewhere, out there, and having that moment where all the hard work is done. you would love to travel the world, go on adventures and do all the things you've always dreamed of, but you're here because of your dad. that's what's taking away from you all you've ever wanted. he's taking away your freedom, but you're still here, doing a sacrifice for him, because that's what we do for the ones we love. you do care. at least about the people that you think are worth a little bit of your time, like your boss' son, who you told me is your friend, your dad, and even if we met a week ago, a really, really, really small part of you still cares, because when i told you about my past, you hugged me as if your life depended on it, really wanting to make me feel better, trying your best at comforting me even if you think you suck at it.

i have the feeling that he finished, but i still don't say anything nor i move an inch. my body is completely paralyzed, too surprised and overwhelmed.

—am i right? —he asks, taking a sip of beer, not taking his eyes off me. he sits up straight before coming closer to me, our faces almost touching. i freeze.

i would normally push him away, or i'd feel less nervous, but i still hasn't processed the first sentence he said.

—am i right? —he asks again, whispering—. because i have a feeling that i am.


	7. vii

—someone is happy —i say with a smile when i see Calum entering the book store with a wide grin and he just nods. i look at him as i stop putting books in its respective bookshelves.

it's been three days since our moment in the tree, that he read me like a fucking book and i freaked out because he was right about everything and this is the first time i see him since then.

—i hope you don't have any plans tonight and if you do, i don't care, cancel them, because you and i are going to this —he tells me, handing me a coupon for a spa.

—a spa —i say, a frown on my face as a laugh escapes my mouth—. we have to go to Wilmington for this, right? —i point out. i'm not driving almost an hour just to go to a spa.

—yes, i know, but it's gonna be worth it —he says and i roll my eyes at him.

—since when do you like spas? —i ask with a laugh, walking towards another shelf to put more books. in the end, i'm still at work and there's a lot of stuff i need to do. we're having a lot of costumers lately, which is great.

—since forever and now that things are going great with your dad, we're friends, we both have jobs... it's time for a little reward —he explains his opinion and i tilt my head to one side, pursing my lips as i think about it.

—i can't even pay for it —i argue back, still not knowing if i wanna go.

things with my dad are pretty great at the time. he goes to work and everything, but that doesn't mean i can afford going to a spa just for the pleasure of it. besides, i like to look after him as much as possible. of course, friday or saturday nights, i still do my thing, because i have the right to have fun, but during the week, i like to stay home and make sure he goes to sleep early and go to work the next day.

i sound like his mom, i know, but if that's the thing i have to do to get through this, i'm gonna do it.

not to talk about the fact that i'm sure that he'll go back to the game or to drinking someday. it's not the first time that he stops doing those two things for a while and three weeks later, gets back at it. that's why i can't just stop watching over him. he can't be trusted.

—this is a coupon. 2x1, so i pay and you go for free —he says, and i send him a death glare. going free to the spa sounds actually rather good.

his family was rich as fuck, so he doesn't really have to worry about money. he could live like a king without even working for the rest of his life and still have money for his children and grandchildren to do the same.

—fine. i'm down —i say, making him let out a _yes_ in victory and starts doing a mini dance—. stop, don't do that —i say, trying to be serious, which i fail miserably at, because i end up letting out a laugh.

—your shift is over in like twenty minutes, right? —he asks and i nod in response.

—now, let me work. you can help Steve with math homework —i tell him with a laugh, making him sigh—. what, you don't know math for nine-year-old kids? —i tease, earning a death glare. he slaps me in the back of the head, making me laugh before he walks towards Steve.

Calum stopped by last week a couple of times, so he knows Steve already and the little kid seems to like the guy. not more than he likes me, of course.

time passes and when seven comes along, i walk out of the book store with Calum by my side. once we get to my house we jump in my truck. he doesn't have a car and i left mine here because i go to work walking.

he puts on one of my cds that he loves. he has more or less that same music taste as me, but he goes more for punk and i go more for classic rock from the 70s and 80s. it's different, but we listen to a lot of things the other also does.

—okay, i have a question —i suddenly say, making him look at me—. what's your age? —i ask, making him laugh—. don't laugh. i know what you've been through but i don't know how fucking old are you, or your favorite color.

—fair enough. i'm twenty-three. you?

—twenty-one. what's your favorite food? —i ask, kinda playing twenty questions.

—pancakes, probably —he answers, a couple of seconds later.

—let me guess, let me guess.. —i start, of course, about to mock him for being a hopeless romantic—. you dream of waking up next to your significant other, kiss them good morning, big smiles plastered on both faces. recently fucked, of course. well, you didn't have sex, you made _love_. _—_ i tease, about to laugh and he just shakes his head, a smile playing on his lips—. but wait! then, they'll go to the shower and you'll walk downstairs to cook something for breakfast. of course, you make pancakes, and when they also walk inside the kitchen, they'll hug you from behind and you'll turn around, see the smile on their face and it all will be worth it. you'll kiss them with all the love you have and you'll eat breakfast together for the rest of your life, never getting bored of each other, because you're just two hopeless romantics, in love —i finish, putting my hand over my chest when i say the last two words.

—you love to tease me about wanting this, don't you? —he says and i nod with an innocent smile on my face.

i really do love it.

—wouldn't you like that? having someone who loves you as much as you love them? eat breakfast, have sex every fucking day... someone who makes you smile and laugh a lot. someone to share your life with? —he asks and i immediately shake my head.

—sharing your life with someone, sucks. you need to always think about that person and what they need and it's awful. all the decisions you may face in life are gonna be chosen differently because that person also comes first in your priorities. the freedom of making a choice is no longer fully yours, which confirms my theory; relationships take away from you, your freedom —i state.

there's nothing cool or beautiful about depending on someone, about _—sharing—_ your life with someone.

—i'm not saying changing you or your way of life, i'm saying _sharing_ , which is completely different —he says, making me frown.

i stay quiet for a while, not knowing what to say or how to explain to him my point of view.

—okay, picture this —i start, taking a quick glance at him before going back to the road—. you and i are together. we're in love and all that shit, right?

—i find it really difficult to imagine, but i'm gonna try —he jokes, making me roll my eyes as i hit him playfully in the chest.

—so, one day, my dad gets better, or dies, but let's say that he gets better and i can finally do what i've always wanted to do. leave. i can pack my things and go somewhere and start new. what i've always dreamed of. finally. but, you're here. i'm in love with you and now, my decision is more difficult because of you. do you know where i'm going? i would feel bad, like i always do, and end up staying, so no, _"sharing"_ your life with someone is bullshit! —i say, trying to not burst, because i hate it. i fucking hate it.— caring is the worst thing you could ever do. it breaks you and you end up staying in a little shitty town for the rest of your life because you care! i care about my dad and i don't have the balls to tell him: _you know what? deal with you own shit! i'm leaving!_ and i can't do that, because i care, because i love him and because deep down, i know i'm not leaving him! —i yell, needing to let it all out.

i feel like i'm going crazy. i'm not meant to stay here. i'm really not. it's too little for me. i've seen it all here and i need to get out. i need to explore. i need to know how it feels like to decide without having to think about what everyone else wants before what i want.

—have you ever thought that maybe, if we were in that scenario, i would want the same as you? sharing a life is sharing the same path of life and yes, maybe you would have to think about the other person before making a decision, but it isn't changing who you are or what you need —he mumbles, making me look down a little.

he knows that he doesn't have to say anything about what i said about my dad. i don't need him to lecture me, or to give me advice. it's my problem and i hate when people get in between my stuff. i can deal with my own shit, i've been doing that twenty-one years anyway.

—now you would, because you have nothing here, but if you had your family, your group of friends, an amazing job... what would you do then? leave with me? i don't think so —i say, knowing that he probably doesn't have answer for that.

he would stay and i would too. because i would care.

do you understand what my point here is?

—we all need to sacrifice for the people we love.

—that's exactly my point. it sucks. loving, or caring or whatever, sucks.

—i just think you haven't found the person for you —he says, continuing to be a hopeless romantic and thinking that i do have my other half, that love is the answer to everything and that my relationships and everything that has happened to my life makes me think that love is awful.

i know i said that i liked the idea of love, but i actually don't, know that i think about it. maybe the kind of love that isn't complicated, but then, is it actually love?

we don't talk much more until we reach the spa and once there, i park the car outside the building so that i don't have to pay for the parking below.

i'm still really broke.

we hop off and walk inside. it's all a mixture of two colors, white and blue, and it all looks really expensive. even a towel must cost a fortune for me. let's be clear here, for me a two-dollar thing isn't cheap.

—yeah, i'm not gonna afford a fucking bikini here —i point out. i didn't bring mine, which is pretty dumb, but honestly, it didn't cross my mind.

—oh, don't even worry, it comes with the coupon —he replies, making me sigh in relief.

what kind of coupon is that?

—hello and welcome —the woman behind the counter says once it's our turn and i just look up at Calum, not wanting to do the talking.

he hands her the coupon, she nods, Calum explains what treatment we're gonna do or some shit and pays for it. she asks us our size in swimsuits, gives us a pair and also a pair of towels and flip-flops and everything we need. she shortly explains where's everything and tells us to enjoy.

—okay, let's change and then, we could first get a massage, or maybe go to a jacuzzi, or even- —he starts, but can't finish because i get in one of the little changing rooms to put on the bikini and shut the door—. fuck you —he mumbles, making me laugh. i hear the door to the cubicle next to mine close.

—okay, done —i say, just a couple of minutes later as i get out with my stuff in one hand and the towel in the other.

oh my- i'm having really dirty thoughts now that i'm seeing him without a t-shirt.

—hey, mate, your eyes up here —i say when i see him looking everywhere but my face. i try to do an australian accent, that i nail, if i get to say so myself, and he just laughs. we put our stuff inside the locker that girl gave us the key to.

—so, let's start with a massage? —he asks and i nod, being in the mood for it.

we walk through a really big glass door, just to see a really big pool, with little waterfalls for the back, and a lot of people swimming. there's also a part that's called _"roman baths"_ that's basically two different pools: one extremely cold and one extremely hot. when i was little i went once and instead of going first to the hot ten minutes and then ten minutes to the cold one, which is what you're supposed to do, i stay in the hot one for an hour.

i'm smarter than the majority of people, what can i say?

*flips hair*

we walk around the pool to go upstairs, where all the massages and saunas are.

—thank you —i truthfully say, to the guy walking next to me, looking up at him and he just flashes me a smile.

when we enter, they hand us two bathrobes, that we quickly put on and wait two minutes until they tell us to enter two different rooms.

the massage doesn't last long. at least, it feels really short to me, but maybe it's just because i loved it. i meet Calum right outside.

—i feel like new —i say, a big smile on my face and he flashes me a bigger one.

—what's gonna be our next stop? —he asks and i give him a mischievous smile, before rushing down the same stairs as before—. hey, wait! —he says, letting out a laugh, but i don't stop until i reach the pool. it's the biggest one i've ever seen.

there's like big cups of tea, that are like jacuzzis and that you get there through some stairs that start in the water. there's also a like tunnel that leads you to the exterior, where the pool continues, and you can watch all the view of the city.

—come on —i say, getting inside the water. i don't wait for him, i just swim towards one of those little waterfalls that _'_ _theoretically'_ is a massage for your back—. heaven —i mumble, once i have him by my side.

—i'm glad you're liking it.

—thank you —i say, even if i've already said that. i just feel really thankful, honestly. no one has ever done anything for me and i feel like he's my best friend.

we continue to be dorks for a while, swimming, playing and just joking around. of course, trying not to bother everyone else who's here to relax. we go to the roman baths, this time, i get into the really cold one, but he chickens and stays in the hot one, just like me when i was like seven. then we go to a sauna before going back to the pool and going to the part that's outside. we also spend some time in a jacuzzi and after that, we go to those tea cups, that are also jacuzzis.

it's really cool that the spa doesn't close until 2 am more or less. i don't get why, but it doesn't matter and since i love it, i'm not gonna complain. it's weird, though, because it's not friday or saturday night. people work tomorrow.

—since it's almost midnight, i thought we could be heading to what i've planned for you —he says, my head snapping towards him with a frown.

—i'm scared —i say, making him let out a chuckle.

—let's go —he says, taking my hand and leading me out of the jacuzzi—. so, i looked it up before telling you today that we were coming and there's a part of the spa that not everyone knows and that for me, is the best one. it's the vip section, but it also comes with the coupon.

the first thing i think is: _if this is the first time he comes here, how the fuck did he get a coupon that includes swimsuits, towels, flip-flops and the fucking vip section?_ but i push them away, not wanting to ask and because i don't really care. he got it, right? so why worry about something else?

we walk up the stairs to the last floor of the building and when we walk through the door made of glass, just like the one from before, i see that the ceiling is also made of glass. it's all a big pool, just like the one we've been in all the time, but it doesn't have the tea cups or anything, it just has some waterfalls of those and also a jacuzzi.

—what the fuck —i mumble, looking around in awe. there's no one here, just Calum and i. the sky is completely dark and so clear you can see every single star.

how cliché, huh?

maybe.

—since you brought me to a hill, i guessed you'd like go stargazing from the top of the highest building in all the city while taking a swim in a pool —he says, my jaw dropping to the floor.

—well, your guess is correct, so let's go —i say, a big smile plastered on my face and i jump into the pool. i normally wouldn't, but since there's no one here apart from us, fuck it.

i swim towards one of the waterfalls and close my eyes as it falls down my back.

—i love seeing you like this —he suddenly says, making my eyes shoot wide open, my head snapping towards him.

—what do you mean? —i ask, pretty confused.

—actually enjoying life and not worrying about what might happen tomorrow —he replies and i look down, a small smile playing on my lips.

—thanks for not getting mad at me for yelling in the car —i say.

he ignored it back then, but it was rude of me to burst on him when he did nothing wrong.

—it's okay. i get it. you have a lot inside of you and sometimes, you gotta let it out —he says, making me shake my head.

he's too sweet to be real.

—remember the day we met? that i asked you if you thought you were part of that 0.1%? —i ask and he nods softly, a little frown on his face—. and you said: _why don't you tell me what you think later?_ —i continue. i look down at my lap for a second before looking back up at him—. and how i put you a nickname of mr. one in a million before i knew your name?

he nods again.

not being able to stop myself, i send him a smile.

—well, Calum Thomas Hood; you are a one in a million.


	8. viii

—get up, lazyass —i say, entering Calum's house and he just groans—. oh, come on, Cal... —i whine, throwing myself on top of him.

—ew, don't touch me —he says, making me laugh and he just pushes me off the sofa.

—asshole —i mumble once my back hits the floor—. come on... —i say, standing up and grabbing him by the wrist, trying to pull him off the couch—. it's friday night, you no longer work on saturdays — _he changed shifts_ —. so let's go! to a bar, a club, a house party... you can choose! —i say, really wanting to go out and he just groans—. let's get you some girls! or boys... i don't know... you've never told me! oh my- you're gay! that's why you didn't fall in love with me in eight seconds, right? it all makes sense now! —i joke, a cheeky smile on my face at the end and he just rolls his eyes at me.

—well, i'm straight. now you know, and i didn't fall in love with you because you're a pain in the ass —he says pulling the blanket over his head and snuggling in the couch.

—well, i'm bisexual and i didn't fall in love with you because you're a fucking asshole who doesn't go partying with me —i say, mimicking his words and tossing the blanket away from him.

it's july in north carolina, it feels like it's a thousand degrees outside and he's using a fucking blanket?

—wasn't i a one in a million two days ago? —he says with the biggest smirk ever plastered on his face.

—i fucking hate you —i mumble, crossing my arms, but he just laughs—. let's go, jerk. move your ass a little bit! —i say, making him groan again, but he finally gives in.

—you're so annoying —he says, but i just laugh it off—. what if we crash at the party we met, drink a couple of beers and then go to a bar to drink some real shots? —he suggests and i tilt my head to one side, thinking about it.

—yes! i'm in the mood for real drinks, not that shitty beer —i say.

going to a house party is cool, but to start the night, not to stay there all the time, because you get bored.

—besides, i can trick more people at pool and gain money for the bar —i say, raising my hand to give him a high five.

—amazing and then, we'll get one-night stands.

—yup, because it's actually a proven fact that people who go to bars are most likely to be better at sex than people who go to house parties —i say as we walk to the door. he grabs the keys that are resting beside the door and gets out.

—you just made that up, didn't you? —he asks, closing the door behind us and i nod.

—yeah —i admit, earning a laugh from him—. but, i'm telling you. we'll both get laid and we'll have good sex and i'll prove my point —i say, jumping in the driver's seat of my car and he just rolls his eyes.

—i hope so —he says, shutting the door and i drive off to the house party so start our night—. oh my god, _home is such a lonely place without you_. _—_ he says once the blink-182 song starts playing and i send him a playful smile.

i've known since the beginning that i would get that reaction from him as soon as it played. i don't listen much to that band, but the little that i listen to, is always part of my favorite songs.

—taste —he adds.

—well, thank you —i say, making him smile.

in ten minutes, i stop the car in the driveway, that surprisingly has a space for me to park despite how full the party always is, and we both hop off. we enter the hellhole, also known as the house, and my ears are immediately about to bleed because of the awful music.

—let's just drink a little, win at pool and let's get going to the bar, please —he says and i nod before walking into the kitchen.

—okay, i'll be in the basement, let's meet in like an hour in the backyard? —i tell him, handing him a beer.

—got it —he says, approaching his beer to mine, making me laugh—. cheers —he says and i connect the two necks of our bottle.

—let's start —i say, turning around and walking down the stairs.

the familiar basement comes to view. the pool table, the sofa, a tv, some speakers with really loud music playing and of course, the typical people making out in the couch. and i say _people_ because normally there are just two of them, but there are three today.

i better win at pool as soon as possible, because i'm already seeing an orgy and i don't wanna take part of it. nor see it.

no, thank you.

—well, hey there —some guy says, making me smirk as i walk closer to the six guys.

i'm gonna win some money today.

—you're the girl from last week —one of them says, making me sigh in frustration—. don't let her fool you, she never bets and keeps the money afterwards —he explains, but i just send him a smirk.

—oh, you're smart? —i tease.

he's walking towards me, lust in his eyes and a small smirk on his face.

—you're a bitch —he mumbles, making me smile.

—at least i don't get fooled easily. like others i know of. besides, i won anyway, so i had all the right to keep the money —i say, not bothering on feeling intimidated by him.

i've dealt with guys like him plenty of times and they just feel superior when you feel inferior. so, if you're confident, believe me that they won't even touch you.

—let's do it again, but this time, you also bet —he says and i tilt my head to one side, eyebrows raised, surprised by his proposition and i nod—. two hundred each of us —he says, his face so close to mine that i can smell the alcohol.

—only? why don't we double it up? —i suggest, really sure than i'm going to win. his jaw clenches, of course, not being fully sure—. is little boy scared? —i tease, knowing that i would push him over the edge and that he'll accept the deal.

—fine —he says, taking out of his wallet four hundred and i do the same.

yes, i brought four hundred just in case something like this happens. it isn't the first time anyway.

we let down the money in a chair and grab a pool stick each of us. i see from the corner of my eye, Calum walking down the stairs and entering the basement. his hair is a mess, swollen lips, which makes me think that he has made out or something.

really? that fast?

with a beer in hand, he walks closer to me.

—just in time, i see —he whispers in my ear, a chill running down my spine—. win this game, let's get the fuck out of here and go have some worth drinks with the money, okay? —he continues, making me smile at the ground.

— _gotcha —_ i say, his arm sneaking around my waist to give me a side hug.

—show them how no one can win you at this —he whispers and walks away.

since the guy is a _gentleman_ , he lets me start. what he doesn't know, is that that's probably the biggest mistake he could've done.

—are you sure you don't wanna start? you don't even want to try to put one in the hole before i win? —i tease, a big smirk on my face and i hear some _ouuuuu_ 's from the people who're watching.

when the guy doesn't say anything, i take that as my cue to start. i first put the number five, then six, then fourteen and right before i hit the white ball to try to put the seven, i look at him.

—you know what? i'm not gonna crush your dreams just yet and let you try to grab the pool stick —i say.

honestly, it wasn't even that savage or anything.

i don't put the ball in the hole, letting him have one turn. he puts the seven, since it was the easiest, then the number ten and after that one, he misses.

—i think it's time for me to finish this —i say, leaning against the pool table, stick in hand and chin about to touch the wood around the green part of the table. i look at the white ball, trying to concentrate. i feel him right beside me, his face really close to mine and his eyes burning on the side of my face.

—if that's your technique to distract me, let me tell you that it's lame —i say as i move the stick backwards before kicking the white ball, making the number nine enter the hole. i sit up straight, looking at him with a smirk before walking to the other side of the table.

i put the one, three, four, nine and eleven and he puts the two and twelve. then, i finish the game, by putting all the remaining ones.

—thanks for playing —i say, tapping him twice in his chest, a cheeky smile plastered on my face, before grabbing the eight hundred dollars. his jaw is clenched, a straight face, while i'm about to start dancing—. better luck next time —i whisper in his ear teasingly and he just grabs me by the waist and smashes me against a wall in madness. i let out a groan in pain when by back hits the hard material.

—listen to me bitch. i- —he can't even finish, because someone punches him in the jaw, making mine drop to the floor.

—what the fuck, Cal! —i yell once i see my friend, standing there, with a frown on his face, clearly not even knowing why he punched that guy.

—i- —he starts, but shuts himself up.

—you shouldn't have done that —the asshole groans, standing up and rubbing his jawline. he also wipes away the blood that's dripping down his chin that comes from his bleeding lip. he raises his hand in a fist, with the intention to punch Calum back, but i get in the way, stopping Calum from getting punched. his fist collides with my jaw, but with his massive hand, it also covers my whole cheek. i fall to the ground.

—Ray! —Calum yells, kneeling down next to me and i just groan, covering my burning cheek with one hand.

—i'm fine, i'm fine, it just hurts —i mumble and he takes my hand, helping me up. i can tell that he wants to punch that guy again, but he's nowhere to be found.

what a coward.

i walk up the stairs and grab two more drinks from the kitchen, not saying anything to Calum. i hand him one before walking out of the house. i jump in the driver's seat, still feeling like my cheek is burning.  
  
—why the fuck did you do that? —Calum asks, sitting in the passenger's seat. he's really tense, jaw clenched and a mad frown on his face.

—can you just leave it? i took that punch for you, for fucks sake. it's not a big deal! —i argue, opening the beer in between my hands, but he grabs it, not letting me drink—. hey! —i protest.

—he hurt you and it could've been worse! —he yells, making me look at him with a frown.  
  
—it would've been the same for you! —i say, not understanding why he's yelling at me—. why are you fucking mad at me now?!

—because you shouldn't have done that! i should've been the one who took the punch! i started it! —he continues to yell, making me frown.

—no, you didn't! i teased him first!

—it doesn't matter! what you did was risky!

—oh, and it wouldn't have been if you were the one who got punched?! because i'm a girl and i'm weaker or some shit?! well, guess what, i'm not! i can take care of myself! and as you said, you could simply say thank you! —i say, a vein popping out in my forehead and probably neck.

i'm really mad. i don't even know why he's being like this, but if it is because he thinks i'm weaker or some bullshit like that, he can go fuck himself. i hate it when people think that women aren't as strong as men. i can take care of myself. i've been doing that for twenty-one years. i've never needed someone, a man to be more specific, to help me. i've learned how to live by myself, how to deal with my own shit and how to get through the darkest moments of my life. all alone, so he doesn't have the right to think that i can't take a fucking punch, or that i can't fight back either, because i can. i know how to defend myself and women shouldn't be treated like that. as if we can't take a punch. actually, women have lives that are probably three times tougher than men and we go through it. we make it out alive and we may not have all the _"muscle"_ men have, but we're so much stronger. so, for your sake, don't call a woman weak, when they're three times tougher than you.

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

—you know it's not because of that! i just don't get why you did it! he was gonna punch me, not you! —he shouts. 

—because i care! i fucking care! and i fucking hate it! but guess what?! —i yell. i stop myself, looking down at my lap—. i'm soft-hearted and when someone i care about is in a difficult situation, i do things. i didn't even think it twice, i just saw him about to punch you and i just- i got in the way. i'm sorry, okay? i'm sorry i care —i say, my voice low, looking straight forward.

—that's why you hate caring about people, isn't it? —he starts, my head snapping towards him —because when you care, you care too much, so you prefer to just not to at all—. he softly says, making me shift a little before picking myself up, kind of putting my walls back up. it's like they crumbled down for a minute.

—let's go to the bar —i simply say, twisting the car keys so that engine starts and i drive off. i put on some music, wanting the awkwardness in the air to disappear and it eventually does.

—thank you —he suddenly says, his head turning to the left to look at me and not out of the window.

i don't say anything back, not knowing what i could possibly say. i continue to look forward, thinking.

—thank you right back at you —i finally say, about four minutes later.

we've fought over me taking a punch for him and he has thanked me for that. i really appreciate it, but i also have to thank him for punching that guy for me.

—just so you know, i care too.


	9. ix

—okay, so you got kicked out of the hotel because your brother pushed you down the garbage chute? —he asks, laughing his ass off and i nod, also laughing and i hit the table with my fist.

yeah... we're a little tipsy...

_i'd say drunk_.

—yeah... my brother was pretty wild —i say, looking back at that day.

we sneaked into the kitchen of the restaurant in the hotel and when we saw someone coming towards us, he panicked and threw me inside. i fell on the top of a container, right outside the building. he was grounded for three months. he was like fourteen and i was seven, so it was pretty traumatic for me, not gonna lie.

he was my rock, most part of my life. he was there for me for whatever i needed, despite how many times we fought, or how many times he pushed me down the garbage chute. we also had a lot of prank wars and we even had our national prank war day every year. just like in big time rush. it was our favorite tv show, so we decided to do it as well.

—tell me about him —Calum says, making me look down at the glass of rum i have in between my fingers. i also see the three empty glasses of shots and i shake my head.

—he was an amazing role model for me, even if it doesn't seem like it. he could be anything. when you needed him to be fun and bubbly, he was that for you. if you needed a shoulder to cry on, he was one. he was the best person i've ever met and honestly, i've always wanted to be like him. he was so wise and so funny and so talented and so smart and so... him. he was everything you expected him to be and more. i envied that. i still do, probably. he was so strong and i like to believe that he made me strong, but i will never be as much as he is. he made it out alive of anything that came his way, as if it didn't even affect him, while i was the other way around. i'm not strong. at all. putting up walls around you, too scared of caring about someone, isn't being strong. being strong is letting yourself be vulnerable even though you know it's gonna break you —i start, not daring to look up at him.

i hate being drunk.

i spill my guts off.

—he showed me that you can love everyone and break a thousand times and still get up one more.

i really miss Chase. every day of my fucking life. and i feel like every day i miss him a little bit more than the last. as if every day that passes by, his absence makes everything more difficult.

—he died in a plane crash with mom, though —i add, my eyes watery, in the verge of tears.

—tell me about her —he says and i look up at him quickly before nodding.

_you don't give a fuck at this point, do you?_

i can't say anything though, because my phone started ringing.

—fuck, sorry —i say, taking the phone out of my back pocket—. yes? —i ask, pressing the phone against my ear.

there are moments in life that you may think everything will work out. you've got hope, but hope is one of those things that life gives you, just to kill you in the end.

why did i have hope?

_because you're a fucking idiot._

— _am i talking to Reagan Jones? —_ a woman asks from the other side of the line.

—yeah, that's me —i say, pretty confused. i steal a glance from Calum, who has a frown plastered on his face.

_—i'm doctor Fullman._ —she starts, my heart pounding on my chest, trying not to imagine where this is going—. _i'm sorry, but your father is in the hospital. they found him in the bathroom of a bar with an alcoholic coma and an overdose. he- —_ i don't hear anything else, because my brain stops working from there. i don't even know if the doctor keeps talking, because i'm already out of the door, my phone in the back pocket of my jeans once again and Calum running behind me, calling my name.

it all goes in slow motion from there. i get in the car, driving off before he can even get in. i drive at full speed to the shitty hospital that this town has, not even caring about the speed limit. i just need to get there before i fucking break down in the fucking car. i jump off, tears streaming down my face, i don't know how many shots, beers and glasses of vodka in my system and that, and my brain not working properly, i'm about to collapse, just like my world is. i run through the halls not even knowing where i'm going, but i keep running. i reach the part for medical emergencies of the hospital and ask to the first doctor that i see, that turns out to be doctor Fullman, how's my dad doing.

—he's still in the coma and we're waiting for him to wake up —she explains to me and i nod.

—thank you —i say with a really shaky voice.

i sit down in the waiting room, not even caring that it's three in the morning and that i left Calum all alone.

i don't like people seeing me vulnerable, because i'm weak, as i said earlier. i don't want him here right now.

and so i wait, my phone on airplane mode so that i don't have to decline all of Calum's calls and ignore his messages. i get it. he cares, but i don't want his help. i wanna deal with it on my own, because if i don't, maybe the next time, he won't be there, and i won't know how to go through it without him. i'm not gonna get used to having someone with me. i already did that and they both died.

people come and go, sitting down and standing up. some cry, some get good news, some were here just because their ankle broke or something like that. a minor injury, basically. but the only person who stays there the whole time, is me. i don't see anyone who stays here for more than thirty minutes, while probably, i've been here for four hours. i've asked the nurse countless times and she says that she doesn't have any news, that i can't come see him because he's still with doctors and that as soon as she can tell me something, she will.

so i just do the only thing i can do; wait. time passes, hours pass, to be more exact and at eight in the morning sharp, not one minute earlier nor one minute later, doctor Fullman walks towards me.

—just say it. i can take anything at this point —i softly say, because as soon as i see her expression i can tell that she doesn't have any good news for me—. you and i both know what you're gonna tell me —i whisper, making her look down.

—i'm sorry, but with his age, the alcoholic coma and the overdose, he didn't make it —she softly and really slowly says.

i'm thankful that she didn't say _we did all we could,_ because i would've punched her probably. that's the lamest thing doctors can ever say.

—okay —i choke out, not knowing what to say or what to do.

i don't start crying, since that's what i've been doing none stop for the past five hours. i turn around to start walking, but she calls me out.

—mrs. Jones —she says, making me turn back around—. he doesn't have belongings, like a phone or wallet, but he did have this in the back pocket of his jeans —doctor Fullman tells me before handing me an envelope with my name on it.

—thank you —i blurt out, grabbing the envelope with shaky hands before heading out of the hospital.

i let out a sniff as i walk towards my car, parked a couple of blocks away from the hospital. i get in, feeling completely lost. i rest my hands in the wheel, not sure if i'm in a good state to drive myself home. i'm not drunk at this point, i haven't since i sobered up as soon as i received that call.

i pick myself up, not wanting to cry more, not wanting to break.

_just hold on a little bit more. just a little bit. don't be weak. you're more than that._

and so i hold back the tears, let out a final sniff and drive off towards my house. i get there not long after and i immediately see Calum sitting in the bench in my porch.

—Reagan —he says when he sees me, but i let out a sigh, completely ignoring him and i proceed to open that door—. Reagan, come on —he says when i try to close the door on his face, but he enters anyway.

—Calum, leave. please —i softly say, with a really shaky voice, about to cry.

i want to be alone and cry and have two fucking breakdowns in a row and that's not something i want Calum to see or to have a part in. i want him to go home and deal with his own business.

—what happened?

—nothing.

—Ray, what happened?

—nothing! —i yell back, just wanting him to get the fuck out of my house.

doesn't he know what privacy is?

—Reagan, don't push me away now.

—stop! you don't know shit about me! leave! i don't need you! i can deal with my own shit! —i continue to yell, while he just speaks softly.

god, i hate him right now. i've been dealing with my shit on my own for years, so he can't expect that within two weeks, i'll let him in like i've known him my whole life. he doesn't know anything about me and i don't want his help, can't he get that? i know he's a hopeless romantic and thinks that the universe put him in that party and that meeting me was fate or some shit, but it wasn't.

—don't do that. let me help you. let's talk.

—i don't want to talk, can't you get that?! —i say, tears running down my face once again, cheeks burning.

—Re-

—GET THE FUCK OUT, FOR FUCKS SAKE! GET OUT! NOW! —i yell as if my life depends on it and he just looks down.

i would apologize for letting him in a bar tonight, but honestly, apologizing is the least of my problems right now. my world is falling apart and he needs to understand that if i tell him that i want him to leave, it's not like in those movies or books where in reality they want them to stay. i mean it. he needs to leave.

—fine —he says, walking out of the door and shutting it behind him.

and so, not knowing what to do, i walk into the kitchen to grab the first bottle of alcohol that i see. i take two big sips, not caring that it's eight in the morning and that i shouldn't drink too much. and so i break down. my knees give out and i collapse on the floor. i start crying, letting out sobs. i bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.

and i keep drinking, drowning myself in alcohol, which seems like the best option at the time, and when i finish the whole bottle, i can't even see properly. everything is blurry, the world spinning around. i can't even think straight. i grab the bottle and throw it against the wall with all my strength, trying to see if it calms me down.

it doesn't.

that bottle shatters in a million pieces and they fall to the ground, just like me right afterwards. i continue to cry, not being able to control my emotions.

i haven't cried in years. i haven't even shed a tear since _they_ died, probably, and by what i see, i'm not planning on stopping any time soon. i run my hands through my hair, about to peel them off my head. i feel incredibly overwhelmed.

what caring and loving does to you, huh?

stumbling from wall to wall, not wanting to fall down, i walk up the stairs. once i reach my room, i toss the door open, resting my weight in the handle, stopping myself from falling to the ground. i sit on my bed and stare at the little square drawn in my wall with black marker that has a dot in the middle.

i'm not crying anymore. it's like i've endured the pain and now i'm left with absolutely nothing.

my brother: _gone._

my mom: _gone._

my dad: _gone._

they're all _gone_.

conclusion: i'm fucking alone.

and while i sit there, still, looking at that little drawing, bottle in hand and empty heart on the left side of my chest, a couple of tears start to run down my face and this time, i don't bother on wiping them away, so they continue to roll down until they reach my jaw and neck. my cheeks are already burning and bright red, so a couple more tears won't hurt, right?

i just don't give a fuck at this point.

my mom was the best mom i could ever ask for. i like to think she raised me well. she made me dream big. she taught me that women can be stronger than men. she always told me that i could do anything, that i was the strongest person she had ever met and to never stop chasing what i wanted.

her and dad used to work until really late. they were both doctors so, sometimes they had the night shifts. and when i was little, five more or less, i was really scared of sleeping without them, so one day she entered my bedroom with a black marker in hand. she drew a little door in my wall, right beside the headboard of my bed and she told me that if i needed her, i just had to open the door and that she'd be there, right on the other side.

but i could only open it once.

so, whenever i needed her, i looked at the little door and right before opening it, i told myself: _hold on a little. just a little bit more. you only got one chance to open it and maybe you'll need her more another time._ so i never opened it. i got through all those endless nights without having her by my side and that's how i got over my fear of sleeping alone in the house.

god i wanna open it right now. i wanna make all those nights that i spent being scared as fuck, worth it. because this is the time when i need her. the moment i've told myself that i would need her more than all of those nights. i just wish i could open it and that she'd be there, waiting for me right on the other side. i wish that door could actually work.

i want my mom back.

god, i miss her so much. i just want her back. i want mom back. please.

i start hitting the door with my hand, desperate. i want to open that motherfucking door. she told me i just had one chance and i take it _now_ , i want her with me _now_.

—open. please —i beg, not even knowing what i'm saying.

i just don't give a shit anymore.

—open! you promised! you told me you'd be on the other side! —i yell, breaking down once more—. you're a liar! you told me you'd be there! —i continue to shout.

i collapse to the floor, knees to my chest and i carry on sobbing.

—come back. please —i choke out, more tears streaming down my face—. mom, please —i say, really desperate—. mom, come back. i choose to open it now —i mumble, burying my head in my arms—. _please._

i've never cried so hard and maybe it's the alcohol, maybe the loneliness, maybe the fact that my whole world is falling apart and maybe it's just the fact that i'm weak, but who cares, right?

—i love you, please, just come back and show me how to be strong like you were. i can't do this alone, please. i lost you, i lost my brother and i lost dad. please. just come back.

i run my hands through my hair, about to peel them off and i shake my head, refusing to accept reality. they can't all be gone.

—i need you. i will always need you.


	10. x

i wake up in the same position as i fell asleep last night: right below that little door drawn on my wall, knees against my chest and head resting above them.

call me crazy, call me insane, call me weak, call me whatever you want. i just want it all to be over.

i know i've said that i would be better off without dad, but that wasn't exactly what i meant. i was thinking about sending him to a place where they could help him, but not him taking fucking drugs and dying.

i don't know if it was a suicide or not. i don't even wanna know. maybe in that letter, there's the answer to that question and to all the others i've got.

but i'm not gonna read it.

not because i'm mad at him, because i hate him or because i don't want answers; i do want them. i'm just not ready to have them.

i lean my head back so that it hits the wall, a big headache being all that i feel at the moment. it's like my body is tired of feeling sad or angry or even lonely (i still feel lonely as fuck, though) and decides to throw those emotions away and keep only the hangover.

it kept the best part of it all, at least.

i build the courage to get up and walk downstairs to see all those little pieces of glass spread all over the floor. i sigh, knowing that i will have to clean it up eventually.

i'm a really messy person, who never knows where she left her things, so it's not that it bothers me seeing such a mess in the living room. it's not the first time someone has broken a bottle of alcohol in this living room by throwing it against the wall anyway.

i'll probably wait for the glasses to clean themselves up. that's what i did when i was little. the problem is that the little angel i like to call mom, isn't here to pick my messes like she did. or my dad. he did that too.

i sit on the couch, not knowing what to do. you normally rely on someone to go through tough times, like i've done with dad when mom and Chase died. this time there's no one.

if someone brings Calum up right now, i'm gonna kill them.

and so i sit there, staring at the wall in front of me, just wanting to punch it to get rid of all my rage i have buried inside and that my brain is denying to feel. i know i'm angry and i know i'm sad, i just don't let myself be aware that i am.

and then, something happens. i don't know why or how, but the panic attack just kicks in.

—what the hell, i've never had one of these —i mumble, my head spinning, my vision getting blurry.

i've read a lot about panic attacks, on twitter mostly, but that's not the point.

i focus on one thing, the tv and try to make sure it's there, just to make myself feel like the world is still and that it's really there. my breathing speeds up until a point that i'm hyperventilating.

i fall off the couch on purpose, wanting to touch the ground and keep on focusing on that motherfucking tv. i rest my hands on the coffee table. head pounding, hyperventilating, world spinning and not even knowing what's real at this point.

_you need to get out of here._ my inner voice says and i nod, not knowing why. and so i stand up, stumbling out of the house, almost falling three times on my way to the door. i get out and collapse on the lawn. i close my eyes shut, not being able to handle it anymore, which is probably the worst thing that i could've done. i start counting from one and forward, saying one number as each breath that i take. my breathing slows down, the world seems to go back to normal and i can finally open my eyes.

i guess i just needed fresh air.

_get the fuck out of here before you go insane._

i don't exactly know what my inner self is telling me, but then, it's like she adds something.

_Calum._

wow, that's specific.

why am i talking to myself?

anyway, i go back to the night i met Calum, that i told him i would love to go somewhere new where no one knows my name. then, i also remember when he told me that my dad was the only thing that kept me from achieving my freedom. and lastly, i remember how i told him that if something happened to my dad, i would run away and that my decision would be more difficult and blah, blah, blah.

the point is that he said that he would come with me.

so i stand up and rush inside the house. i run upstairs and into my room to pack some things. the minimum. only the necessary. i grab two backpacks, one for me and one for Calum, not knowing if he has one since he moved here two weeks ago. besides, we need a big one, the ones you bring when you go camping and have to sleep in a fucking tend. i put inside some clothes, toothbrush and stuff like that, phone and charger, headphones, my wallet, keys, just in case that i come back, which i probably will. i head downstairs, but before i get out of the door, i turn back around and grab the envelope the doctor gave me yesterday, just in case. i walk downstairs and grab all the food that i can, knowing that it's the most important thing.

once i'm done, i run out of the door and jump on the driver's seat of my car. i drive off to Calum's house and knock on his door once i get there.

he opens the door, clearly confused. bags under his eyes, probably because he hasn't slept much tonight, just like me, but honestly, i don't feel sleepy at all.

i throw him the other backpack, leaving him confused.

—pack your bags; i think it's time, for a roadtrip —i say, making him blink, trying to understand what i just said—. i'm leaving, with or without you.

if i don't get the fuck out if this town, i'm gonna go insane, if i haven't already. i've always known that this place is too small for me and dad dying was my fucking breaking point. it's like the last straw that broke the camel's back.

i need to get fuck out of here.

my inner voice warned me. she was right. i really need fresh air and that hill or that apple tree doesn't count anymore. i said i had a lot of different places to keep my sanity, but i can't anymore. i'm tired of feeling stuck in this place when i'm not anymore.

so instead of feeling miserable, of breaking bottles and drowning myself and my pain in alcohol, i'm just gonna chase what i've always wanted.

—let's just go. somewhere. anywhere —i say, but he just keeps on being frozen in place—. let's do this. no names, no past, no personal information. just mr. one in a million and mrs. all guys are shit. let's run away. one trip to nowhere in particular —i say, kinda mimicking my words from the first day we met and he gives me a small smile—. are you in?

—let's fucking do this —he breathes out, making me smile widely.

he lets me in and i help him pack, more or less the same stuff as i did. it's not the first time he has done this anyway. he also packs all the food he can, and even grabs another backpack that he has and fills it with more food.

—i'm a hungry guy —he says, making me laugh.

—you done? —i ask and he nods.

—i'll probably have to tell the guy i'm renting the house to that the deal is over —he says, earning a chuckle from me. we let his stuff in the backseat, right beside mine and sit in the driver's and passenger's seat.

—where to? —i playfully ask and he purses his lips.

—airport. we're going to Europe —he says, making me let out a gasp.

i did not expect that.

—i did not expect a different continent, but hell yeah, i'm down for it —i say, not actually joking.

Europe it is.

we jump off the truck, obviously knowing that we need to get a cab because i can't let my car in the airport until i come back, even less if i don't know when that's gonna be.

we call a cab and within forty minutes we're paying the driver for the ride and enter the airport.

—Italy? —i ask and he nods, amused.

—hell yeah, Naples —he suggests.

—you've got taste, my friend.

we buy two tickets for the next plane there, that takes off in two hours. it's really cheap class, obviously, but who cares? we've got nothing planned so it's not like we're gonna be in first class. i mean, Calum could perfectly fine afford it, but i'm not a fancy person. fancy makes me puke.  
  
—i can't believe you got me into this —he says, shaking his head, making my gaze shift from my phone to the guy sitting in front of me.

—hey, relax, would you? you told me you wanted adventures —i point out, but i just earn a look of disbelief.

—yes, in north carolina if possible. i wasn't thinking about changing continents twice in two weeks —he argues back and i flash him an innocent smile—. how are you? —he asks, probably knowing what happened.

—i'm good —i shortly answer, making him roll his eyes—. hey, don't roll your eyes —i say, nudging him in the chest, even if he's too far from me to even reach him.

—then, tell me the truth —he softly whispers. i look down, not knowing what to say.

—i don't know honestly. you didn't see me last night, but i was... a mess, a wreck, whatever you wanna call it. i reached my breaking point and i realized that i'm not strong at all. i've always thought i was. i go around being a tough girl, who shows every guy that i can do anything they can. but the truth is that i'm not tough at all. i'm not strong —i say, but he shakes his head, standing up to sit next to me

—you're the strongest person i know —he says. i look at him in disbelief.

—then, you haven't met yourself. you've had it way worse than me, Cal —i tell him—. and here i am, my dad died yesterday because of an overdose and i'm running away, as if nothing happened —i say, looking at the ground to nothing in particular—. i'm selfish. i really am. it's like i've been waiting for this. like i wanted him to die so that i could run away.

—that's not true —he says, but i just shake my head—. hey, look at me —he commands softly, not even sounding like he's giving me an order.

i don't do as he says, though, but when i feel him taking my hand and intertwining our fingers, my head snaps towards him.

—you're strong, Reagan. really fucking strong. you've seen hell a lot of times and you've stood up every damn time. it doesn't matter if you think that putting up walls to not care about people is being weak. you're not. you're strong. get that tattooed on that pretty little head of yours, okay? you will get back up whenever you fall. that's what you've done all life. you get up even if life makes you fall apart, because you know you're strong enough to get back up. you know you have what it takes to get back up. you, Reagan Anne Jones, are the strongest person i know —he says, looking straight into my eyes, as if nothing could change his mind about what he said—. okay?

—okay —i say, making him smile. he unlaces our fingers, well, tries to, because i just hold him again, not wanting to let go—. don't. please —i mumble. he cracks a smile and nods—. do you think it was a suicide? —i ask him a couple of minutes later, still with my hand in his.

—i don't know.

—but if you had to believe one thing, what would you believe? —i push it and he sighs, thinking about it.

—i honestly don't think it was a suicide. i don't think he would've left you as much as he wanted to. he wouldn't have done that. i met you two weeks ago and i wouldn't leave you even if i really wanted to —he says, making me melt on the inside when the last part comes.

—you're such a softie —i mumble, making him laugh and he lets go off my hand to nudge me in arm. as soon as i can, i take it once again, intertwining our fingers, pretty scared to let it go.

—hey, you okay? —he asks, probably because he sees that i'm not letting his hand go at any costs and i nod.

—yeah, yeah.

him with me is probably the only thing that makes me able to hold myself together and not break down right here, in the middle of the airport.

—just- don't let go. please —i mumble, not daring to look at him.

—i won't.


	11. xi

ten motherfucking hours. what the actual fuck. i can't stay ten hours in the same seat. we've been in the plane for like half an hour and i don't feel my butt anymore.

i've never gotten out of north carolina. ever. i've never been in a car for more than fifteen minutes, so spending ten hours in a plane has always been really out of the picture for me.

but here i am, flying across the atlantic ocean to go to Europe. almost the first time that i leave my hometown and it's to go to a different continent.

life do be unpredictable sometimes.

i'm looking out of the window, headphones in and my _'_ _sad hours'_ playlist playing. it isn't the playlist i use most, honestly. okay, it probably is, but i don't listen to those songs more than the ones in that shitty party, probably. in their playlist, there are like four songs maybe, while in mine there are over five hundred, so yeah...

—hey, Ray —Calum asks from beside me, my head snapping towards him as i take out one of my earbuds.

i would have airpods, but i'm broke, remember?

—yeah?

—do you want something to drink? —he asks and i shake my head softly.

—no, thanks, i'm good —i reply, before looking out of the window again.

i honestly can't believe i'm actually in a plane, running away from whatever i need to leave behind. my dad's death, my mom's death, my brother's death... i don't know. everything.

maybe it's simply that i've always needed to travel, to explore, to wander, and when dad died, my body said: let's get the fuck out of here, right now. i couldn't stay in that shitty town for one more second. i guess that staying was something that would drive me insane.

i feel really selfish, as if i should be in my house, crying my eyes out and not here, like nothing happened, but at the same time, i'm putting myself at the top of my priorities. i can cry all i want, but once i'm out of that place.

i may be really selfish because of it, but i really wasn't going to be able to keep my sanity if i stayed there to fall apart.

—Ray, don't bottle up everything in that head of yours. talk to me —Calum says, but i just shake my head, not looking at him—. hey, it's okay to be hurting. it's okay to talk to someone. you're not alone in this —he continues, but i just shake my head, trying to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.

—i'm fine, Cal. i'm fine —i say, picking myself up even before i break down. i don't do it pretty well, because i let out a sniff and i wipe away the couple of tears.

—don't lie to me. even less when it's obvious —he says, cupping my cheeks, making me look at him—. talk to me.

—why are you trying so hard to make me talk? —i ask.

i really don't know why he wants me to tell him all my shit. why would he want me to rely on him? i get it, he cares, but i will only annoy him with my stuff. i keep everything to myself and i think that it's an amazing quality of mine. yes, i know it's not good to bottle up everything inside your head, but i still think it's good because i don't annoy people.

—because i hate how you've never had anyone to talk to and now, you have one and you feel like you're gonna bother me. it's like someone told you that your feelings are invalid or that they don't give a shit and now, you think that you're gonna annoy someone if you talk about how you feel. i do care. i do want you to talk to me. i'm not gonna judge you —he softly says, caressing my cheek with one finger.

he is a one in a million.

he really is.

—it's eating me alive —i mumble, more tears building up in my eyes—. i can't do this, Cal. i'm not strong enough —i blurt out, making him shake his head.

—come here —he says, opening his arms and without thinking it twice, i snuggle closer to him. he wraps his arms around me, my head in his chest and i let out a quiet sniff.

i'm not gonna break down here, in a fucking plane, but i do wanna cry.

—i'm sorry. for everything —i whisper and i feel him shaking his head again—. for making fun of you about being a hopeless romantic and for mocking you when we met. for being rude to you when we were at the gas station and also after the striptease club. i'm sorry for eating one more strawberry than you —i start, making him laugh at the last sentence—. i'm sorry for leaving you at three in the morning in a bar and then yelling at you when you just were there for me. i'm sorry —i say, looking up at him. he sends me a small smile and shakes his head softly.

—it's okay. i get why you did every single one of those things. except for the strawberry. that's just rude —he jokes, earning a quiet laugh from me.

—you're the best, best friend i could ever ask for —i truthfully say, making him smile widely at me.

—and your only friend as well —he cockily says. i roll my eyes and nudge him in the chest, making him laugh.

—asshole. besides, i'm your only friend too, so shut it —i say and he raises his arms in the air in surrender.

—touché. —he says before wrapping his arms around me once again.

we spend the rest of the flight listening to music, without eating anything, since we have to pay for it and i we just have like five dollars anyway. i have the rest in the bank. besides, when we get to Europe, dollars aren't gonna do much. i'll have to change all that i have in my bank account to euros.

apart from that, we don't eat because we're reserving all the food for later. besides, we left it in the luggage compartment. i don't know if you can take food with you in a plane, actually.

whatever.

our pilot is the funniest guy ever, because he tells jokes sometimes and it's hilarious. i always laugh, while Calum just rolls his eyes.

he doesn't have a sense of humor.

so, when the pilot announces that we'll be landing in ten minutes, i start to get excited.

—oh my god, oh my god, i can't believe it. we're in Italy, Calum, we're in Italy! —i say, hitting him in the arm excitedly—. sorry, i just- i've never gone out of my hometown so this is... fucking incredible for me —i apologize, looking down, kind of embarrassed.

—no need to apologize, it was adorable —he mumbles, making me smile softly.

i look out of the window to see Naples beneath me, making me smile widely.

why is everything so white?

i know i'm dumb, but that's literally the first thing that comes to my mind.

_fucking idiot._

—ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna proceed now to land, so please, buckle up your seatbelts —the flight attendant says, being boring, unlike the pilot.

—what if we look for a place to stay? it's 11 pm right now —i tell him and he nods.

my phone automatically changes the hour when i change places, apparently; thing that i didn't know.

don't judge me, i've never had a chance to discover that feature.

—let's go to something really fancy. like a five-star hotel —he suggests, making me shake my head.

—can we go to a simple motel, please? —i quietly ask, making him frown.

—don't worry, i can afford it —he says, making me roll my eyes.

—i know you can, but _i_ can't and you're gonna have to pay for me. i'm not letting you do that, so if you want, you can go to a fancy one, but i'm going to what i would be going if you weren't here: a really cheap motel that's five bucks a night —i say, which is a big fat lie.

i can afford anything i want.

well, no. that's also a lie.

remember that i stole Rick's phone? yeah... i may or may not have changed the password to his credit card and his account, so now, i have all the money he had in that fund i stole the money from. there isn't a lot of money, like twenty thousand, because i guess he has a lot of different accounts, and i only have the power over one.

—okay, you choose —he says, taking my hand softly. i frown a little, not knowing why that was for, but i melt on the inside even if i don't want to admit that.

the plane lands, we get out and grab our stuff from the luggage carrousel. i don't get why they told us to leave all our stuff as if it was a suitcase, when they're only a couple of backpacks. pretty big backpacks, but i don't think they weight enough to go with the rest.

it's my first time in an airport and a plane, so i'm not the one to say anything because i have no idea how it works.

—i can't fucking believe we're in Italy —i comment as we walk towards the little cashier to take out some money, but of course, in euros.

once we're done, we search for a motel not really far from the center of the city and call a cab to take us there.

in half an hour of a really boring car ride (the driver was not like our pilot), we hand him the money. with my amazing italian skills, i tell him _grazie_ , which is probably the only thing i know. of course, Calum, needing to show himself off, he says a fucking whole sentence.

—you really needed to do that, right? —i ask, earning an innocent smile from him—. since when do you speak italian?

—oh, i don't speak it really, really fluently, it's just that i used to watch an italian tv show and i learned a few things —he simply says and i nod.

we enter the little building, that's all white with the words _"casa di alloggio: la florentina"_ written above the little door. i have no idea what it means, but i guess it's something like _"motel"_ and the name of the place.

i guess.

it's really cute the place itself, at least from the outside, and seems really cozy. we make our way inside and see that it's even cuter. it has some couches to the left, surrounding a coffee table. the floor is made of brown-orangish tiles and the walls or white. it has a big poster with a photo of a little town and the sea that says: _"italia"_.

we walk towards the counter, where a woman is standing on the other side and of course, since i think that if you go to one place, you should speak that language, i let Calum talk. if one of us knows how to speak the native language, i'm not gonna make the poor woman talk on a different language just because i'm dumb and i'm not bilingual.

—uhm... one or two rooms? —Calum asks me after a while of talking to the woman. he's clearly awkward and i purse my lips, shrugging.

—i mean, i don't mind sharing, but if it makes you uncomfortable, we don't have to —i reply and he nods. i think he reserves one, because he says something similar to that—. you don't speak really, really fluently, huh? —i tease when we turn around to walk to our room and he just laughs.

—i don't. i promise. but i know how to keep a conversation —he defends himself.

—for me that's speaking fluently —i say—. what other languages do you speak? —i ask, really curious.

—oh, uhm, spanish, italian, duh, french and a little bit of german —he replies, my jaw falling to the ground.

—what the actual fuck. i only speak english —i mumble, making him laugh.

—okay, this is it —he says, proceeding to open the door.

of course, white walls (i told you everything in here is white), a couple of works of art hanging on the walls. it has a little hallway, with one door to the left, that's the bathroom. at the end of it, there's a bigger room, with a little tv, a king size bed with a nightstand on the left side of it, a closet to the right and a desk with a couple of chairs.

—we're gonna have to share the bed —he comments and i just raise my shoulders, not really caring.

i mean, i'm more worried about having to share bathroom. he can enter while i'm showering, or when i'm using the toilet, or when i'm naked and dressing... sleeping in the same bed isn't really the thing that really worries me at the moment, to be honest.

—are you scared, Hood? —i tease, making him roll his eyes.

we let down all of our stuff above the two chairs, not bothering on unpacking. i don't know how many nights we're gonna stay here, so it's not worth it to unpack and put all my clothes in the closet. as i said, i'm not a really organized kind of girl.

—i'm gonna brush my teeth —i say after taking off my jeans.

i didn't bring a pajama, because i had to pack only the necessary, so i preferred more "street" clothes than pajamas. i can sleep in a t-shirt and panties.

i walk inside the bathroom, locking the door, because i'm also gonna pee. three minutes later, i get out. he also goes inside and i just lay down in bed, really tired.

i haven't slept properly for a couple of days and even if i normally don't go to sleep until 3 am, today i'm gonna make an exception.

i feel Calum laying next to me not long after and he turns off the lamp right above the nightstand.

—Cal? —i say, turning around to face him and he just hums in response, his eyes closed—. thank you —i whisper and i see a small smile growing on his face, making me smile widely.

god, what's wrong with me?

—you look really soft right now —i say, my eyes widening as soon as the words leave my mouth. he just opens his eyes vaguely and sends me a big smirk—. fuck you —i mumble, turning around once again, earning a soft laugh from him.

—i'm not gonna get a goodnight? —he says.

i can literally see him pouting right now and a smile starts playing on my lips.

—no, you're not.

i feel a pair of arms wrapping around me, pulling me closer to him and even if normally, i would push him away ,just like with every other guy i've ever met or hooked up with, with Calum, i simply snuggle against his warm body.

—well, you are. goodnight, Ray —he whispers in my ear, a chill running down my spine.

i don't want to say it back. i don't want to let him win, but who can blame me for saying it? he has me in his arms, with a foolish smile on my face and he has followed me all the way to Italy.

fucking Italy.

of course i'm gonna say it back.

as i should.

—goodnight, Cal.


	12. xii

—what? Reagan? where- —he doesn't even finish, because he sees me appearing from the hallway only in underwear and a t-shirt.

he just woke up, while i've been awake for like ten minutes and i took a shower.

—sorry, i forgot some pants —i say, walking towards my backpack to take out one of the three pair of pants i've got—. by the way, with some soap i washed our clothes —i tell him and he nods, still with a sleepy face.

—how did you- i was holding you, i think —he says with a deep and raspy voice.

_well, that's hot._

okay, i'm gonna stop.

—yeah, getting out of the bed was a tough mission, not gonna lie —i say, letting out a laugh as he rubs his eyes with the back of his hands.

—i can imagine. i have such strong arms —he cockily says, a smirk on his face and i just roll my eyes.

_god, i would fuck him right now._

i really need to stop.

it's not really my fault, though. he can't just have messy hair, a cheeky smile plastered on his face, talk with that sleepy voice of his and look at me with those dark eyes, and not expect me to have dirty thoughts about him.

especially when he's not wearing a t-shirt and i can see his arms perfectly fine.

it's simply not fair.

—let's go lover boy. we have a lot to do today —i tell him, throwing him a t-shirt and some pants.

—but why don't we cuddle all day and kiss, and fuck. that would be nice —he teases, a smirk still on his face and i continue to roll my eyes.

—okay, first of all, we're not dating and second of all, you're my friend, i'm not gonna sleep with you. now, come on. get up —i say and he just groans.

—the word _"friend"_ hurt, babygirl, but we could always be friends with benefits —he suggests, making my eyes widen as i shake my head—. come on, i'm not gonna make you call me daddy —he playfully says, making me laugh.

i know he's joking and everything, but i wanna punch him in the face anyway.

—i didn't tell you my name for you to call me babygirl and no, thank you. i'll pass, but i appreciate your offer. besides, it will mess everything up and i don't want that —i say, more softly at the end.

we're really playful and flirt a lot in a friendly way and everything, but at the same time, i am being serious.

being friends with benefits has more commitment than what you actually think. i ended up dating this girl (my first girlfriend) and i ended up losing her because it all went downhill for whatever reason that i'm not gonna tell you. the thing is, that i could handle losing those people, but maybe it's too late for me handling losing Calum.

i can't let go off him. i'm not planning on to.

being friends with benefits is pretty risky if you really know the person and even if i don't know Calum fully, i know him enough for it to be risky.

—i just wanna get laid! —he screams, making me laugh.

he stands up and takes a shower before getting dressed, while i just sit in the little couch and wait for him to be ready.

—you take a lot in the shower, you know? —i say, plugging my phone to charge it. i forgot to do it last night.

—when you shower with me you'll be in there for forty minutes —he cockily says, sending me a wink and i just take deep breaths, trying not to punch the guy.

—you really need to get laid, because this is not healthy —i say, letting out a laugh—. oh, and this is for all those totally unnecessary comments —i tell him, slapping him in the back of his neck. a little too hard probably, making him let out a yelp.

—hey, i'm just horny. my comments will go away eventually. or right now if we- okay sorry. i just really need to get laid —he says, making me laugh as i nod. i pat him in the chest twice before turning around to grab the key. we walk out of the room and we head downstairs to eat something.

we have breakfast, which is pretty much the same as i eat every morning. i know nothing about the italian culture or european itself, so i guess i expected something more different? i don't really know honestly.

—okay, what if we just walk around the city and eat an ice-cream. we eat one of those amazing pizza's, like the real kind and we could also- —i start, but i stop myself, getting the feeling that i'm rambling on way too much and that he doesn't give a shit—. sorry, i just- i got excited, sorry.

—who told you _i don't care_ when you were talking about something you loved that now you feel like you don't deserve to talk about yourself without getting the feeling that you bother? —he softly says as we walk out of building and i just shrug, not knowing what to say—. i love listening to you and everything you have to say, even more when you get excited for things. it's adorable and you shouldn't be ashamed of being excited for something, even less when it's everything you've ever wanted —he adds, stopping in his tracks, also making me stop to look at him—. you matter, Reagan. don't forget that.

i swear to god you can hear me melting like fucking butter.

—thank you, Cal.

—so, what do you wanna do today? —he asks and i purse my lips, thinking.

—let's just walk and see things. wander —i reply, making him smile softly.

and so that's what we do, we walk around Naples, never stopping in our tracks. except from when we stop to get an ice cream.

—you know, i didn't imagine that italian ice creams would be a thousand times better. i thought they would be better, but now the ice cream i've always eaten in my hometown is fucking trash —he comments, earning a laugh from me and i nod in agreement.

—not to talk about how there are so many more flavors. i didn't even know they existed, what the fuck —i add, licking my ice cream.

—oh, come on! —he groans when i lick his without his permission, but i just laugh and offer him some of mine—. thank you, but you still should've asked —he playfully says and i send him an innocent smile.

we continue to walk and once an idea comes to me, my head snaps, making him look at me.

—i know what we're doing tonight —i simply say, which makes him slightly frown—. you'll see.

we eat something for lunch in this really cool place, that isn't really expensive, since we agreed that we were gonna keep it all pretty cheap, but that has the best pizza i've ever tasted.

i've only known the one from the domino's pizza down the street, so i guess that at this point, every other pizza i taste will be the best one in the world, but it doesn't matter. at the moment, this one is the best one.

—i can't believe you like salmon in a pizza —he says, my jaw dropping at the profanity that just slipped out of his mouth.

—first of all, you like mushrooms in it and second of all, you probably haven't even tasted it —i say back, taking a bite of the best pizza ever.

—mushrooms are normal, salmon is just- it's illegal —he says, making me roll my eyes at him.

—just try it —i say, handing him a slice before grabbing my glass of wine and drinking a little bit.

i should've come to italy when i was eighteen because i could've drank alcohol legally. like we can drive at sixteen but the drinking age is twenty-one? unfair if you ask me.

but in Europe, they're smart and you can drive and drink at the same age: eighteen.

the difference between idiots and smarties.

—are you gonna be honest with yourself and admit you love it or deny that's amazing because you're embarrassed to admit that i'm right and that i always am? —i cockily say, a smirk on my face and glass of wine in hand.

—fine —he scoffs, finishing the slice, making me laugh—. it's incredible.

—and... —i start, wanting him to finish his sentence.

—and, you're always right —he mumbles, making me frown, even though i've heard it perfectly.

—what, Calum? i can't hear you —i say, putting my hand in my ear, as if i want to hear him better.

—you're always right —he says, this time a little more audible.

—i still can't hear you —i continue to tease, earning a death glare from him.

—you're always right! —he finally says, a little bit louder but not enough for everyone in this restaurant to hear him.

—thank you, Calum. i'm glad you finally see it.

—you're the worst —he mumbles, throwing me a piece of bread, making me let out a gasp.

—oh, it's on! —i say, grabbing my bread and throwing a little bit of it back at him.

—please, don't play with food or i'm gonna have to ask you to leave —a waiter says, coming towards us and i immediately realize that we're in a restaurant.

—i'm so sorry —i politely say and he gives us a warning look before walking away.

—unbelievable, Reagan. haven't you been taught that you don't play with food? —he teases and as much as i want to punch him in the face as i just take a deep breath and send him a big death glare.

after we finish eating lunch, we pay and start heading towards the center of the city to walk a little bit.

—this is probably the most expensive part of the city. there's only stores and boutiques, so why are we here? —he asks as we get to a big square.

as he said, all you can see are stores like gucci and a lot of others that also seem gucci style but that i've never seen before.

—i know, but i've been living in a shitty town for twenty-one years. i've never been in an expensive place. even less entered an expensive boutique. we don't have to buy anything. i mean, you could, since you're loaded, but that's not the point. we're just gonna try on really fancy things, like suits and dresses and extremely expensive pants. we can even wear a three-thousand-dollar belt if we want to! you're loaded so in any moment they will think we're there just to be a couple of dorks. you can pay for it, but you're just gonna do like you're not interested in anything! —i say, walking backwards as i look at him. when he stops in his tracks, i also stop, not knowing what's going on.

—do we start with that one or that one —he teases pointing at two different boutiques. a wide smile grows on my face and in excitement, i grab him by the wrist and pull him with me towards the gucci store.

—okay, we need to seem like we're not here to just have fun. we need to seem boring and actually wanting to buy something so that they don't kick us out —i tell him once we're in front of the store.

—you've never been inside an expensive store so what do you even know? —he laughs, and i just nudge him in the chest, a smile playing on my lips.

—but i've seen movies, which is more than enough —i shoot back and we both proceed to enter.

it's all really exquisite and you can tell that only rich people come in here. everything makes the space feel even bigger than it is. there's not a lot of clothes, because there's a lot of manikins so that you can see the piece of clothing. then, there's the same piece of clothing but folded on a table beside the manikin.

—okay, let's do this, you choose what i'm gonna try on and i choose yours —he suggests and i nod, kinda liking the idea.

—okay, we have ten minutes to pick a whole outfit —i add and we immediately part ways.

i walk around the store, in the search for the most horrendous suit. i see a manikin wearing an awful pair of yellow pants with a floral print plastered on them. i grab a pair from the ones that are hanging on a rack. i look for a shirt and coat and when i see a white tank top that says 'gucci' with golden letters in the middle, i also grab it. i raise my head just to see ten feet away from me a denim coat, so i quickly walk towards it to take it. i grab a couple of boots that obviously don't match with anything in the fit. nothing fits in the whole outfit, but that's the whole point.

—time's up! —i tell him when i'm in front of him even if i don't know how much time has passed.

—okay, here you go —he says, handing me my outfit and i give him what i picked up. i thought mine would be worse, but his looks awful to be honest.

we walk towards the fitting rooms and we enter the ones that are right next to each other. i undress myself to put on the beige dress that has like weird purple things or something. i also put on the pink belt with little diamonds.

that probably costs a million dollars what the fuck.

i put on the neon green plastic boots with a fucking meter of heel and the military print jacket. except for the boots and belt, everything is quite cool, even though i'd never wear a dress. but that's when they're separate. put together they make me want to puke.

you know i'm not the kind of girl who has a sense of style, or that puts much effort into looking good, but i know when something simply does not fit. and this, definitely doesn't.

—okay, ready?

—ready.

we get out of the fitting room and look at each other with a look of disgust plastered on our faces. i want to smirk, because i know that what he's wearing is fucking awful, but i can't. mine is probably even worse than his.

besides, as much as the outfit i picked for him is very awful, he looks hot as fuck anyway. he can literally rock anything.

—i hate you —i mumble, knowing that i lost at looking for the worst outfit and he just starts laughing.

—and, Calum's the winner! —he yells, making me jump and cover his mouth immediately.

—shut the fuck up, we're in a store and they're gonna kick us off.

it's too late though, because an employee approaches us and frowns once she sees what we're wearing. she probably thinks we're here just to put on clothes as a joke.

which is exactly it.

—we're sorry, we just have really bad sense of style —Calum says, my eyes widening. she's not gonna believe him at all. it's obvious what we're doing and he's not helping by saying that, but once the woman looks at Calum, her face softens—. Calum?

he immediately clenches and i see how realization hits him, because his head snaps towards the girl.

—Savannah —he breathes out.

they continue to stare at each other and i just stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. i don't know who she is, or where she knows him from, but by the look on Calum's face, he doesn't like her much.

—how have you been? —she asks softly, seeming pretty scared.

—good —Calum replies dryly, making me look down.

i can't say anything because this has nothing to do with me, but at the same time, i feel like i can't run out of there like i would like to.

—i heard what happened to you and i'm so sorry for everything —she whispers, Calum's jaw clenching, while i just frown.

—i don't want your apology. you left me the night i needed you most. i thought you were the love of my life and you left me to fall apart, so your shitty apology isn't exactly what i want —Calum snaps, making me know who she is.

now i get why he looks at her with such a look of disgust.

—i didn't know what you were going through. i wouldn't have broken up with you if-

—if what? if my family didn't die? you can say it, you know? besides, what was the point on being in a relationship with me? you were cheating me the whole fucking time —he says, cutting her off.

she stays silent, knowing that whatever she says, it won't make the situation better. if she wants Calum to forgive her or some shit, i just wanna tell her that she's not gonna make it.

—i'm gonna have to ask you to leave now —she says, sounding defeated but clearly not wanting things to get out of hand.

—fine —Calum says, not sounding really harsh and the girl turns around to let us change.

Calum has his jaw clenched, looking down at the ground and i stand in front of him, debating what to do. i grab his wrist, making his hand no longer be in a fist. i take it and intertwine our fingers. his head snaps upwards, just enough to lock eyes with me and i send him a small smile.

—are you okay? —i ask concerned, making him soften.

—yeah —he breathes out, squeezing my hand, as if he's convincing himself that he is.

i pull him in a big hug, that doesn't last long and when we pull away, we both walk inside the fitting rooms to get changed before leaving.


	13. xiii

—you said you knew what we were gonna do tonight, so tell me —he says, walking inside the room and i smirk, remembering what i actually had something planned.

—oh my god, i completely forgot —i tell him, putting all the beers except two inside our little fridge—. let me go to the bathroom and let's get going.

i walk inside the bathroom, locking the door behind me and once i'm done i walk out. he also does his stuff and i grab the key of the bedroom and the two beers i left out to bring to where we're going, but he grabs two more, making me laugh.

—you never know —he defends himself, while i just shake my head, still laughing.

we head out of the room, at like 1am and we walk out of the building.

we've been going around the city all the afternoon after what happened at the gucci store. we also ate dinner at some cheap restaurant, which was pretty good, though, and we walked a little bit more. we bought an ice cream and then headed to the motel.

—where are we going? —he asks.

—at this point in our friendship, you should already know i'm not gonna tell you —i reply, making him roll his eyes.

i love how Naples looks during the night. it's even more alive than during the day, but at the same time it's more peaceful. every single store, restaurant or place is open, you can hear laughs and different conversations from people. though, i don't understand anything.

—oh my- that girl just broke up with her boyfriend —Calum says, looking over to a group of three girls and i let out a laugh.

—Calum, don't spy on people. that's a private conversation —i say and he just looks at me like _seriously?_ — fuck it, what is she saying? —i ask him once i see the girl in the middle talking again.

—she says something like: _how could he do that to me? we've been dating for three years! —_ he replies with a really pitched voice, faking sobs and i just laugh.

that's cruel. like, i feel bad for the girl, but it's so funny. i need to laugh.

i'm going to hell.

—and now she's like: _it's all my fault. i wasn't enough!_ and their friends say: _no, it's not, he's an asshole and doesn't deserve you —_ he explains.

we keep walking, not wanting it to seem creepy. it probably already is because we've been staring for a couple of minutes.

—here we are —i say once we reach the beach, making him frown.

i guess he had something more special in mind, but he hasn't seen it all yet.

—i didn't bring a swimsuit —Calum says.

—me neither.

—so, in underwear? —he asks, confused and i shake my head.

—get undressed —i command, also doing that.

i pull down my pants and take off my t-shirt until i'm in underwear and then, i turn around, take the rest of my clothes off before starting to run towards the sea and jump in, completely naked.

my head pops out of the water and i look at him. he's still standing there, clothes on and looking at me with a face i can't read.

—aren't you coming?! —i yell and he bites his lip, debating whether to do it or not—. i can turn around if you want me to! —i tease, making him laugh.

he shakes his head before pulling down his pants and doing the same as me. i try not to look down, if you know what i mean.

he gets in the sea, splashing a lot of water over me.

—oh my fucking god, it's so cold! —he yells, making me burst out laughing.

i look up, at all the stars above and it reminds me of the day him and i went to the vip section of that spa.

i still wonder how the fuck did he get that amazing coupon.

—you're completely insane, did you know that? —he suddenly says, making my head snap towards him and i send him a frown—. you really said: let's go to Italy, try stupid clothes in a gucci store and go skinny-dipping in the beach at 1am —he says, making me let out a chuckle—. you're insane —he breathes out.

—and fucked up as well.

—i think your kind of fucked up is absolutely beautiful —he says dead serious.

—you followed me, so you're a little bit insane too, don't you think? —i shoot back, with a soft voice.

—touché.

silence falls upon us, none of us daring to break it. i look around, to see that there's no one here. everyone is in the center of the city, drinking at a bar with their friends. but i'm here. _we're_ here, in the beach, naked and with a sky full of stars above us at 1am.

—do you wanna know why we're here? —i suddenly say and he nods, not saying anything—. well, my mom was like me. she hated settling down, taking orders from others. her goal in life was finding freedom, just like me. but she met dad, and of course, she had to sacrifice what she wanted for him, because she fell in love. all of what i've always feared the most, is what happened to her —i start.

i can tell that he has no idea where this is going, so i continue.

—i could tell at times that she regretted it. she loved us. she really did. i knew that. i never felt like i didn't have her support. even when i came out as bisexual to her, she was there. she told me she was proud of me and that i was valid. but still, they were days that i knew that she felt like there was something missing. she couldn't achieve what she always wanted, which made her feel a little bit empty.

i love her. i will always love her. no matter where she is. she was my favorite person in the world. the best mom i could ever ask for. she was warm, sweet, funny, supportive and smart. you could always count on her. i wish i could have her back. just for one day. just hug her one last time and tell her that i love her.

—when she got in the plane accident, she stayed in a coma for three days, woke up and twenty-four hours later, she died. and instead of telling me something like: _promise me you won't give up on yourself. you're too good for that. you're strong. i love you so much._ she said something completely different. since she couldn't achieve what she always wanted and knew that i also wanted that (because she knew who i was. she knew that i was like her), she said this: _promise me, you won't die before having skinny-dipped, at 1am under the moonlight —_ i explain, a small smile on my face—. i promised her and tonight i decided that i wanted to keep it. with you —i finish, a grin growing on his face.

mom, i kept it, but you didn't keep yours.

—do you think that what happened to your mom, will happen to you? —he quietly asks and just shrug.

—i didn't even think i would have a friend, so at this point, i have no idea.

i love how his eyes shine in the dark. how they look kind of hazel even. there's only the moonlight, the one from the few boats surrounding us and from the city, but if someone is laying in the sand, they probably wouldn't see us.

the sea is way too peaceful, there's no waves and i'm kind of thankful that the water isn't really clear so you can't see through it.

—i would hate it though. mom settled down because she knew that they were probably gonna start a family. i don't want kids. they kind of scare me. relationships scare me —i say, letting out a laugh at the end.

i've never thought about wanting kids. it's something i've always avoided. in all my relationships, there wasn't one in which i thought that the other person would actually be the one. every single commitment bigger than the relationship itself, like marriage or kids, was completely out of the picture.

i can't stay in one place for long. i go crazy, so having kids would be difficult. i don't know how mom did it honestly. any of it. how did she give up on everything? on her way of life, on herself and what she wanted? how did she just settle down? she was meant to explore and to travel, yet she settled down at twenty-seven.

—let me guess. you would love to have kids —i tell him and he stays silent, thinking about it—. oh —i say, surprised.

—i'm not sure.

—why's that?

—i'm a hopeless romantic that dreams of a wild and passionate relationship. the pancakes shit that you said and stuff like that. live together forever, but i don't think kids is what i want. too much responsibility —he answers and i nod, understanding what he means.

—you would be a great dad —i softly say, earning a small smile from him—. i would be a terrible mom. i would forget to pick them up from school, or to go to the grocery store. we would end up eating pizza every day. i would show them swear words and how to punch someone. i would probably give them beers at fifteen. i would leave —i start, looking down once i say the last part—. i can't settle down, not if i have something that makes it permanent and that's what kids do.

another silence comes, but he breaks it not long after.

—what does your tattoo mean? —he asks, making me look down—. you thought i wouldn't see it? —he asks, a small smirk on his face.

—no, but i thought you were blind because you didn't say anything when we went to the spa.

—i did see it, but i bring it up now —he shoots back and i raise my hands in the air in surrender—. why did you get it?

—which one? —i ask, knowing that he probably has only seen one.

—you have more than one?

—i have three, but you probably didn't notice the one on my ankle because when you checked me out, you only got to the boobs —i tease, making him roll his eyes, even though it's probably true.

—fuck you.

—you wish —i tease, making him rolls his eyes once again.

—can you just- —he says, earning a laugh from me and i nod.

—uhm, well the one you saw, i guess it's the one on the side of my waist —i say and he nods.

—in the end, you gotta save yourself —he adds, saying the little quote i have permanently inked.

—it's not really difficult to guess, is it? when mom and Chase died, a while later, dad started to get into drugs, alcohol, the game and all that shit, so i fell apart. i was still going through my family's death and dad left me all alone. he gave me a big responsibility that a seventeen-year-old shouldn't have. so i got it done even though i was a minor and didn't have my parent's permission —i start, making him nod as i talk—. that tattoo was the beginning of me turning into who i am now. that was when i felt completely alone for the first time. that was when i told myself: _you have to get your shit together because now, you have other problems, so stop crying, stop waiting for someone to hug you, pick yourself up, and go solve your biggest problem —_ i continue, looking everywhere but him—. it was the day i built those walls up. i've always had them, but that day, they got thicker and taller. way taller and i started being more careful with who i let in. it's not that i had lots of friends before anyway.

—what about the other ones? —he softly asks, after a couple of minutes of silence.

—i have a little anchor on my ankle, to remind myself to stay grounded and realistic, to not get my hopes up on anything. on not thinking everything will be fine —i explain.

it's a really depressing one, just like the other two, but back then, the only way i could let out what i needed to say was through tattoos. i got the less i could, but i turned the pain i had inside into physical pain that at least made something that would be permanent.

—everything will be fine —he says with a low voice and i just shake my head.

—i'm not lucky, Cal. life has never been on my side. that tattoo, actually helped me a lot. it helped me not get my hopes up and whenever something bad happened after things started to go well, it didn't hit me that hard. that's what that tattoo did. it saved me a lot of pain.

—what's the last one? —he asks, but i tilt my head to one side, not sure if i should tell him.

—hold on, hold on. tell me about yours first. you have way more than me —i say, refusing to tell him.

—fair enough, which one?

—the one on your left wrist —i reply, talking about that one i noticed at the party. the one that says _'alive'_.

—i got it when i had depression. whenever i felt like giving up, i looked at it and it was a reminder of _you're here, you're alive, you're breathing. that's something to be proud of —_ he explains, looking at me with soft eyes.

all my tattoos are a reminder that life is always against me, to never have my hopes up, that i will always be by myself, while his, are a reminder that he's okay, that he's here and that everything will be fine.

that's the difference between us. i'm a realist, i see things how they are, and he's a hopeless romantic who idealizes things and makes them way better. or maybe he's the realist and i'm simply a pessimist.

—we're really different —i mumble and he just looks down.

he starts walking closer to me, to a point where our faces are almost touching and i just look at him. i don't step back, i let him close the gap between us and i stay silent.

—i actually think that's beautiful —he whispers, taking my hand in his. we both look out our hands and he plays with my fingers before intertwining them. he looks back at me. i do the same—. i could kiss you right now —he whispers, looking down at my lips, and i shake my head.

—we should go —i mumble, not being ready to kiss him.

he looks down and nods softly, making me feel bad, but i can't do it. we can't do that. i refuse to.

—fine —he says before turning around and swimming until he reaches the shore to gets out. i stand there, not knowing what to do.

i see him putting his underwear and t-shirt on, letting them soaked. i let out a shaky breath before also heading out.


	14. xiv

—thank you for today —i truthfully say as i grab one of the two last slices of pizza.

we're sitting above the bed in our room, facing each other. the pizza box in the middle and a bottle of beer in one hand each of us.

—you followed me to fucking Italy. you really said: _fuck it, let's follow the person i know of two weeks._ —i suddenly say, taking him aback—. why?

i can understand that he agreed to spend the night with me the night we met and seek adventures. he just got there, he was running away from something and he stumbled upon someone who was offering him what he was looking for. i get it. he had reasons to say yes. but Italy? are you fucking crazy? that's insane. he knows me of two weeks and he follows me to a different continent? that doesn't make any sense to me. he needs to be completely out of his mind to do that.

—Reagan-

—no, don't do that, as if it's normal. as if it's just that i'm not used to people doing things for me. i'm not, but i know that people don't follow others after two weeks to another fucking continent —i say desperate, really wanting to know.

—why wouldn't i follow you?

—because i'm a complete stranger to you!? —i scoff, almost yelling.

_why wouldn't i follow you?_ for fucks sake, there's a lot of reasons why it was the wrong decision.

i'm the kind of person that destroys everything they touch. everywhere i go, i fuck it up. that's my thing. i jump from one person to another and sometimes i even break them. i can't hurt Calum. i can't.

—you're not a stranger, Ray —he softly says, keeping it calm, like always.

i don't know how he does it. he's always calm in discussions or in every conversation while i burst sometimes or yell or freak out.

—Calum, it's been two weeks! you don't know me!

—that's not true. i know you better than anyone else and you know me better than anyone else —he softly says, still calm, just like we all already expected.

i stay silent, knowing that he's probably right and that scares the shit out of me. two weeks. it's been two fucking weeks, are you kidding me? apart from the fact that i haven't had a friend for longer than twelve hours in years, no one has ever known me since... forever. i've never opened up to someone, probably, in my entire life. only my family, who's dead now.

everyone seems to leave me.

—i just don't get it, Cal. it's been fourteen days and we're together, in Italy, sharing a room, like we've known each other forever and-

i don't even finish, not knowing how to and i look down.

i feel like it's all really fast. i know it's not a relationship, but i'm not used to having a friendship, so it's still all pretty new for me. i'm still trying to get used to having him around most of the time and to knowing that he's there, you know what i mean? i'm still trying to figure things out and he already treats me like i'm his best friend of all his life.

it's all going too fast and i can't process things.

—hey, hey, hey. it's okay —he starts, really softly, putting away the pizza box and letting above the desk our two beers—. come here —he whispers once his back is against the headboard.

—Cal-

—Ray. come here —he says, cutting me off and i nod, scooting closer to him. i lay down, my head on his chest, just like when we were in that plane and he wraps his arms around me.

—i literally ran away the day after my dad died, like nothing happened. i left you at a bar, i kicked you out of the house, i tease you a lot and mock you for being a hopeless romantic, yet you follow me to the other side of the world. why? —i say, my eyes in the verge of tears.

i don't deserve Calum. i don't deserve someone who wants to be stuck with me no matter what. i don't deserve that. i'm a bad person. i'm not someone who deserves someone as good as him.

—Calum, he's gone. everyone's gone —i sob, not being able to hold it back any longer.

at this point, i don't give a shit about the question of why he was following me. i just need to let everything out, because it's eating me alive.

i feel like i had the right to run away if i felt like i had to, but at the same time i feel like i didn't. i feel really selfish yet like i deserved to do what makes me happy.

he rests his chin above my head, telling me that he's here but doesn't want to say anything.

—i'm so messed up. i'm so fucking broken on the inside yet the first thing i do when the last person i got dies, is run. that's all i do. i run to places, feeling like everything is too small for me. that's a lie. everything is too big for me. this is too much. it's eating me alive, like it's never gonna stop until there's nothing —i continue to let out things, thoughts, maybe profanities even. i don't even know what i'm saying at this point.

i let out more and more sobs, head buried in the crook of his neck, all the tears falling on his t-shirt. he strokes my hair softly, leaving kisses atop of my head here and there.

—i'm sorry —i blurt out, feeling tired. i can feel the frown on his face—. i'm sorry you have to deal with such fucked up person as me. i don't deserve you, Calum. that's why i ask you a lot why did you come with me to Italy. i simply don't understand how someone like you, could care about someone like me. i destroy everything —i continue, my voice getting lower and lower as my eyes start to shut down.

time passes. i don't know how many, but i find myself still awake.

—Calum? —i softly ask, wanting to know if he's asleep or not and he hums in response—. you're the only thing i've got left.

he doesn't say anything for a while. at first i think that maybe he has fallen asleep, but he finally speaks up.

—great, because i'm not letting you go.

after that, i fall asleep in Calum's arms, but i'm not in that state for long, because i wake up at an unknown time, on the right side of the bed without Calum's body on the other. i start hitting the bed, sort of making sure that he's not there and i sit back up with a frown, looking at the empty space beside me. i stand up, to go see what time is it in my phone.

4:51 am.

where the fuck is this guy?

i know he's not in the bathroom because the door is wide open and i can plainly see how he's not there or somewhere in the room, which consists on the bathroom and the bed. well, and the closet, but i doubt that he'd be there at 5am.

i spot a little paper above the desk, making me frown but when i walk towards it and see that it's a note from Calum, i smile.

_if you're awake meet me at the kitchen._

— _Calum_

i frown again, not knowing what he means. the kitchen? how the hell did he enter the kitchen?

with a small smile, liking the plan, i get out of the room, not wanting to do any noise and head down the stairs.

i see the receptionist behind the counter, so i wait until she's not looking to enter the restaurant. once i'm there, i enter the door of the kitchen to see him there, leaning against one of those metal counters, arms crossed and a glass of wine (i think that is) in hand.

—you're insane —i breathe out, shaking my head, making his snap towards me. he sends me a cheeky smile and hands me a glass, already filled.

—i'll take that as a compliment —he says, a smirk on his face and i just look down.

—why the kitchen? —i ask, rubbing the bottom of the glass with my thumb.

—it was the only place i thought was peaceful. it reminds me of you, actually —he replies, my eyebrows shooting upwards.

—thanks...? —i ask, really confused, not knowing how to take that.

—yeah, the kitchen is like your brain, really busy when there's too much people inside, thoughts in your case and when you let it all out, it's peaceful, just like the kitchen during the night when no one's around —he explains, a small smile playing on my lips. i don't know why, though. it's not like he just said to me the biggest compliment ever.

—so, i'm a kitchen now —i joke, making him laugh as he nudges me in the chest.

—jerk —he mumbles.

silence falls upon us and i can tell that we're both thinking about the same thing.

—are you okay? —i ask, pretty nervous.

we haven't talked about what happened in the gucci store this afternoon and i really wanna make sure that he's fine. he made sure i was and i broke down in his arms. i think it's my turn to let him do the same if he needs to.

—yeah, i am. i just needed to clear my head, that's why i came here. i'm over her. i really am. i don't miss her, i don't think about her, i don't _want_ her, you know what i mean? i don't crave her anymore —Calum starts, drinking more from the glass, making me realize that i haven't even tasted mine yet—. it was just difficult to see her again at first and i hated how she talked to me like what she did was just a small thing that could be fixed with a simple sorry. that's what got me mad —he explains, making me nod, glad that he's okay.

he could be lying, but i know he's not. despite how i don't know him a lot, i know he wouldn't lie to me. not when i'm asking something that serious.

—but then, you took my hand and it went away —he adds, making me melt on the inside.

—you knew i was coming. how? —i ask, changing topic.

he wouldn't have already prepared a glass of wine and that note for me if he didn't know i was gonna wake up and search for him.

—call it luck —he simply replies, a smirk on his face.

—don't do that —i warn, about to crack a smile.

—do what? —he teases, knowing perfectly fine what i'm talking about.

god, i want to punch him straight in the face to wipe away that smirk of his.

—smirk at me —i simply reply, tilting my head slightly to one side.

—kiss me. maybe it will go away —he says, that smirk still on his face, but he's dead serious. i look down, trying not to smile bigger than i already am.

i hate it when people flirt with me, but i don't mind it when Calum is the one flirting.

—fine —i say, finally taking my first sip of wine of the night before licking my lips teasingly—. uhm... a mouton cadet. you've got taste in wines —i whisper, walking closer to him, our faces almost touching.

—impressive, but i actually grabbed the first one i saw —he whispers, our noses brushing against each other. i try my best not to laugh, because even in this situation he's still a fucking idiot—. how did you know what wine it was? —he asks, his arms sneaking around my waist, pulling me closer to him and i rest my hands on his chest.

—call it luck —i whisper slowly. this time i'm the one who smirks and he just looks at my lips—. and about that kiss —i start, leaning even closer to him, our chests touching and his gaze going back to my eyes—. do you want it soft, passionate? maybe even harsh, or what-

he leans in fast, trying to kiss me but i pull back, wanting to tease him a little bit more.

—hold on there, my friend. not that fast —i tease, shaking my head slowly.

his lips are literally brushing against mine while i talk and by the lust in his eyes, i can tell that i can't tease him much more.

—you're not gonna let me kiss you, are you? —he whispers, almost not letting out any sound and i nod—. oh, and when is that gonna be? —he asks, looking down at my lips.

—when i finish my wine —i reply, a slight smirk on my face. i grab the glass to drink more, i take a sip and lick my lips, loving to tease him.

—you drive me insane —he breathes out.

before i can bring my glass to my lips once again, he grabs it, leaves it above the counter and presses his lips on mine. my hands travel all the way up to his neck, kissing him back.

—you went for passionate, i see —i tease, pulling away for a second and he just shakes his head.

—just kiss me —he whispers before pressing his lips on mine again. i pull him closer to me, running my hands through his hair. i deepen the kiss by opening more my mouth, his tongue slipping inside as his grip on my waist tightens.

as much as i want to fuck him right here, in the fucking kitchen of a motel in the middle of Naples, i know i can't let this go too far. this kiss, is not leading to anything. it just means playful flirting.

_sis, you sure about that? for me, it seems like you do be crushing on each other._

can you just fuck off?

i continue to kiss him as if my life depends on it, loving every single second that my lips are on his. i'm not gonna say some shit like: _our lips molded perfectly, as if it was meant to be._ what kind of hopeless romantic shit is that?

and yeah, this moment is just Calum and i. there wasn't anyone around and even if for me it's just _'playful flirting',_ it does feel quite special.

we pull away, breathing heavily and i look at him with a perplexed face, just like him.

—woah —he breathes out, making me crack a small smile.

—i- —i don't finish, not knowing how to process things or say more than just one word—. sorry —i mumble, smiling widely and he just returns me the smile.

i just can't help but have a big grin plastered on my face.

his arms are still around my waist and my hands are grabbing his neck softly. i rest my forehead against his, rubbing small circles with my thumb on his cheek. i connect our lips once again for a short kiss, pulling him closer to me.

—just playful flirting, right? —he says, reading my exact thoughts. i can tell that he's teasing me and he knows that maybe i don't really think that.

—well, i did wipe away that smirk of yours, didn't i?


	15. xv

Anzio.

we're in Anzio at the moment. it's a small city, located about 50 km away from Rome.

it's been exactly a week since i shared that kiss with Calum. we haven't really talked about it. we both know that it wasn't going to lead to a relationship. he knows perfectly fine i don't do girlfriends and boyfriends. i just got used to having him as a friend, so i don't want to complicate things.

i'm clearly attracted to him, i've known that since minute zero, but i'm still not sure if what i feel for him are genuine feelings. it's been so long since the last time i liked someone that i may have forgotten what it feels like. it's not been ten years, of course. i mean, i'm twenty-one, but i think it's been two years. maybe even a little more.

so, two days ago, we decided to catch a bus, not wanting to spend all the money in a plane ticket, that brought us here.

—oh my- —Calum mumbles, sitting back up in the bed all of a sudden. i let out a groan, opening my eyes slowly—. fuck.

i look at him, pretty confused, and he runs his hands through his hair. he's pretty sweaty and he's breathing heavily, which tells me that he must have had a nightmare or something.

—Cal, you- —i ask, but i can't finish because he stands up and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

i do the same, wanting to follow him to make sure he's okay. i don't bother on putting some shoes or socks on, i just grab two beers from our little fridge and the key to the bedroom.

i find him in the roof, arms resting on the railing. it's pretty windy, honestly. i should've brought a hoodie or something.

i walk towards him and without saying anything, i put the beer in front of him, making him look at me with a small smile. he grabs the bottle and opens it at the same time as me. i take a sip before resting my arms above the railing, just like he does.

we can see the whole city in front of us, because this building is one of the tallest ones. this town is all two floor houses, so this eight-floor building is like a fucking skyscraper. we stare at the city, stars above us, even if you can't see a lot today. it's not really cloudy though, just windy, so i decide to pull my hair up in a messy bun. there's a couple of locks that aren't long enough to reach the back of my head, so i just leave them hanging there.

by the way that he's looking forward, not connecting gazes with me, i can tell that he just doesn't want to talk, so i don't say anything, or ask. i remain quiet.

—i have nightmares sometimes. those things i saw when i opened the door of my house, i also see them in dreams. the blood, my family's bodies... it's like reliving that night all over again —he says, a long time later.

—do you have them very often? —i ask.

this is the first time he's had one since we left north carolina. maybe he had some and i didn't know about it, but i don't think so.

—almost every day, but- —he starts, but cuts himself mid-sentence, getting all nervous. he looks down a little, taking a little sip of beer—. i know you probably will mock me because i'm such a hopeless romantic, but i haven't had any this week because i had you in my arms—. he quietly says, taking me aback.

it's true that tonight is the first day he doesn't hold me to sleep. i don't know why though.

—what?

that's all i manage to let out.

—when i'm with you, i feel like everything we'll be alright. that's why when i feel you during the night and i know you're with me, i don't have nightmares. you give me the comfort that my mind needs to be okay —he explains, scratching the back of his neck.

—that's why every night you wrap your arms around me when i'm sleeping? —i softly ask and he nods.

—yeah. when the first night, i did it playfully, i saw that i didn't have a nightmare. that normally doesn't happen. i always wake up during the night because of one, but not that night. i didn't know why so i started thinking about what thing was different, until i saw that it was you. i don't know why. holding you helps me, so from then on, whenever i saw you sleeping, i pulled you closer to me —he confesses, making me melt on the inside.

—why when i was sleeping?

—i was scared. i knew the you know i did that. you woke up every day with my arms around you, but i was scared to do the wrapping while you were still awake —he replies, making me nod softly.

—why didn't you tell me? —i ask, staring at him while he just looks forward.

—i thought i would scare you off —he admits, earning a slight frown from me.

—what? why? i- —i ask, stopping myself.

—look, you're the first time i've had to deal with someone like you —he starts, which doesn't help my frown go away—. and one of the things that i've learned, is to give you space. in any moment i can show you that i'm more attached to you than you are to me. i can't make you feel too pressured or like i'm more committed, you know what i mean? so i thought you would push me away if you knew the effect you have on me —he explains, but i don't listen further than _someone like you_. what does he mean by that?

—wait, hold on. someone like me?

—yeah. i told you the night in the tree. the ones made to explore, to not take orders from anyone. people like you —he says and i nod, knowing where he's going.

—you said _one of the things_. did you learn more or something? —i ask, trying not to let out a laugh.

—i've learned what i have to give you if i want you to stay —he simply replies, my eyebrows raising immediately.

—i'm fucking lost —i mumble, looking at him with a really confused face and he just takes a sip of beer after letting out a laugh. he keeps looking forward, not meeting my eyes that are burning on the side of his face.

—you haven't wondered why i'm still your friend?

—you followed me all the way to Italy!

—yeah, and you asked me to go. don't you wonder what did i do for you to actually want to be with me on your adventure? —he asks, making me frown a little.

i've never actually wondered that.

—you left all your significant others and friends because you felt like they didn't give you enough. i'm here, i'm your friend and you haven't left me and i don't think you're planning on to. i know what i have to give you for you to stay —he simply says, making me let out a scoff.

—go on. impress me, mr. i know everything about Reagan.

—oh, i'm going to —he cockily says and i just roll my eyes—. so, there's five things i've been giving you and apparently, it's working.

—five? a good number —i say, making him chuckle.

—first of all; space, as i said. i have to be patient with you, and not push you. i can't ask you more than you can give me. you're not used to having people around, that's why the first week, i didn't go knocking at your door, or to that book store every day. i gave you your time, and it worked —he says. this time, no longer looking at the view in front of us.

—what's the second thing?

—loyalty —he says, taking another sip of beer—. you need to feel like i'm not leaving you. you're very careful with who you let in and once you let someone in, you don't let go, so if i give you loyalty, like i will never betray you, you'll let me in and you won't leave.

—third thing? —i ask, actually being interested. until now, everything made sense and i'm lowkey curious, not gonna lie.

—freedom —he says and i look at him in disbelief.

—that's obvious —i scoff.

—not that much if i'm the only person who has given you that —he shoots back.

i wanna punch him for being right.

—i need to make you feel like there's nothing stopping you from achieving that. not even me. if i give you the chance to be free with me, you'll stay, because you like good company, you really do, so if i give you the feeling that i'm not pressuring you into settling down, that it's not too serious and that i won't take your freedom away from you, you're not gonna leave. i just have to let you be —he explains, giving me all his facts and things he figured out and all that shit.

he really pulled out of his ass a big bible about me. well, not ass, more like brain or some shit, because that's pretty accurate.

i don't bother on asking for the fourth thing, because once he takes a sip of beer, i know that he's gonna continue.

—fourth thing: wildness. adventures if you want to call it that. you're a wild person so if i don't change your nature of stealing apples, or going skinny-dipping at 1am... if i don't change you, if i keep going on adventures with you, if i don't make you grow up too fast, or commit a lot, you're not gonna leave —he says, but before i can say something, he takes another quick sip and speaks up—. i actually learned that when i found out how your relationships ended. they stopped giving you that wildness, so this one is probably the most important one.

—why do you give me all of those things, why do you think it's worth it? i don't give you anything back —i ask, not understanding.

apparently, i'm difficult to make stay, but he prefers to give me all of that than saying: _fuck it, leave, i don't care._

—what? of course you do! i wouldn't be here if you didn't. you give me all that wildness, you give me laughs and all that teasing that i absolutely love. you also give me loyalty, because i know that you don't let go easily. you're making me see the world, you give me that comfort no one else does. now i have you and my nightmares stop and you don't know how much time i've been waiting for them to stop. _you_ do that. _you_ give me the comfort i need —he says, making me frown a little—. if i give you what you need, if i let you do your thing, you'll give me the best time of my life, because you're not hard to get, you're hard to earn. it's difficult to make you stay, that's true, but you give so much more than any other person.

i stare at him, still leaning with my arms against the railing.

—what's the fifth thing? —i ask, really low, still shocked and pretty overwhelmed.

i can't handle these situations. i really can't.

he looks at me for a second, a small smirk on his face, making me know that what he's gonna say next, is not really what i wanna hear.

—passion —he says, making me let out a laugh.

—you know we're not in a relationship, right? —i ask and he nods, taking one sip of alcohol.

—i do, but you can't tell me you didn't love our kiss —he shoots back. i keep looking at him with a blank face, pretty shocked that he said that—. what? you thought i forgot? you don't forget a kiss like that —he adds and i shake my head slightly, trying not to smile.

i look forward, taking a sip of beer while he stares at me with a big smirk on his face.

—the teasing... —he starts, scooting closer to me, making me look down and bite my lip—. the wine, the way you ran your fingers through my hair and the way i pulled you closer to me... —he continues, his arm brushing against mine.

and as i stand here, in a roof, in the middle of Italy, at 5am in the morning, i can't help but look up for a second and think: _how the hell did i end up here? who the hell is this guy and why do i like him if he's a pain in the ass?_ and then, i smile, knowing that i love being here.

with Calum.

—don't you dare tell me that you don't like passionate kisses more than harsh ones, or timid, or any other type of kiss. you need passion to stay, more than anything else and i know that i'm right. that's why you have that big grin plastered across your face —he says, making me bite my lip even though my smile is there already.

—i hate you —i mumble, shaking my head.

i stand straight, my arms no longer touching the railing and i turn to look at him.

—that's why if i kissed you right now, you would kiss back, right? —he says.

he's really getting back at me for all the teasing, huh?

i stay quiet, not saying anything. instead, i just stare into his dark brown eyes.

—you can't deny the sexual tension —he says, making me laugh as i look down for a second—. you're not gonna say anything? —he asks once he sees that i stay quiet. i look at his lips before going back to his eyes.

—this conversation is over —i say, a smirk on my face and i turn around to walk away and go back to the room.


	16. xvi

—good morning. —Calum mumbles once he sees my eyes open slightly.

i look up at him just to see that he has a faintly smile on his lips, crinkles by his eyes and a really messy hair sitting atop of his head.

—good morning. —i say back with a really sleepy voice—. no nightmares? —i ask him and he shakes his head softly in response.

—not with you. —he replies, making me melt on the inside—. so, what have you planned for today? —he asks, pulling me closer to him by the waist.

—well, i thought about going to the beach and play volleyball and maybe drink some cocktails... —i suggest, making him give me a satisfied look.

—sounds like a plan. —he says and when i try to get off bed, he just holds me tighter.

—really? —i ask, looking at him. he has his eyes closed, but a smirk playing on his lips—. i told you not to smirk at me. —i tell him, but the smirk just grows bigger.

god, i wanna kiss him.

_don't you dare._

—kiss me. maybe it will go away. —he says, just like last week and i bite my lip, debating what to do.

when he sees that i don't say anything, he opens his eyes and looks at me with a soft face even though his eyes are full of lust.

—let's go. —i mumble, right before he can even try to kiss me and this time, he lets me get out of bed.

—you will keep denying it, won't you? —he asks once i'm standing in front of my backpack to grab some clothes to change into.

i turn around to look at him with a look of disbelief and he just stares at me with a blank face.

—Cal, i-

—no. forget it. it doesn't even matter. —he mumbles, cutting me off.

i look down, feeling pretty bad, but i just grab my clothes and walk into the bathroom to take a shower.

it's not that i'm denying something, it's just that he needs to understand that i don't do boyfriends and girlfriends. he knows i'm not looking for a relationship and that i don't think they're for me. he knows that perfectly fine. so, therefore, he knows how nothing was going to happen between us despite that we kissed.

i'm attracted to him, i've already said that. i mean, it's obvious. if i didn't know him and if he wasn't my partner in crime, i would've fucked him a long time ago, but i don't know if what i feel are genuine feelings or he just makes me horny because he's hot as fuck.

i close the bathroom door behind me, locking it. i undress myself before stepping into the shower. we're going to the beach, so i don't know why i'm showering now and not afterwards, but fuck it.

i hope Calum doesn't bring it up again, because i don't want to have that conversation. i'm not ready for it yet. and if he smirks at me one more time and tells me _"kiss me. maybe it'll go away",_ i won't hesitate to fuck him.

i'm sorry, but i can't hold it back anymore.

i would have a one-night stand or something, but he's a hopeless romantic, which means that he will turn it into something more and i swear to god that if he confesses that he has feelings for me or some shit, i'm gonna freak out.

_he already has._

i get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body. i put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. i wash the clothes i slept on in the bathroom sink because we don't have a washing machine.

besides, i have like three t-shirts and three pants, so whenever i change clothes, i gotta wash the previous ones.

once i'm done, i get out, the wet clothes in hand to hang them in the little balcony. i see Calum still laying in the bed, with his phone, doing god knows what.

i sit at the edge of the bed, making him look at me with a sad face.

—it's okay. i get it. believe me, i do. you don't do relationships and i've known that since the beginning.

i look down, not knowing what to say.

—since we've been here for four days now, i thought we could take a train to Florencia or something. —i say, changing topic and he simply nods.

—sounds good.

—get dressed, because we're going to the beach. —i tell him, trying not to say anything about how cold he's being.

i get why though, but i don't want to talk about it.

i stand up and wait for him to change. within ten minutes, we walk out the door to go eat some breakfast. once we're done, we head back to the room to grab towels from the motel. we don't have any and i'm not gonna buy one if we can use the ones i'm already paying for.

we walk out of the building to head to the beach, that's not really far away. maybe like fifteen minutes walking.

—are we cool? —i ask, pretty scared, looking up at the guy walking next to me.

—of course we are—. he says, looking down at me with a soft smile, making me let out a big sigh of relief.

we get there and choose our spot in the sand to lay the towels and let down all our stuff.

i take my clothes off so that i'm just in my bikini. yes, i finally bought one two days ago. it's plain black, since it's my favorite color and because i don't like it when they have some floral print or something like that. i like them plain. just one color. call me boring, i don't really care.

the top of the bikini is the typical two triangles shape and the bottom is also the normal. as i said, i'm boring.

—let's have some fun. —Calum says excited once he has taken off his t-shirt.

_someone tell me how is he so hot._

he grabs me by the waist, throwing me over his shoulder like a potato sack and starts running towards the sea, making me hold onto his back for dear life.

—i swear to god that if you- —i start, but can't finish because he throws me into the water.  
  
i hear him laugh and i pull him with me by the wrist. he falls down onto the water, making me the one who laughs.

—i hate you. —he mumbles, looking at me.

—you started it! —i say, raising my arms in surrender.

i splash some water at him with one hand, making his jaw drop and my eyes widen. i get in the water to swim away from him, but he grabs me by the wrist. i push him away, splashing more water at him to get out of the sea.

—you're gonna pay for that! —he yells.

i look over my shoulder to see him chasing me, so i keep running in the shore, dodging all the kids that are making castles with the wet sand.

there's not a lot of people here, but if you compare it to north carolina, this is about to explode. mostly, there are families, but there are some groups of teenagers who are putting on some awful music. there's surprisingly a really big amount of people playing volleyball. they bring their own net or some shit.

—come here! —he says, wrapping his arms around my waist, picking me up a little bit so that i stop running.

—asshole!

—oh yeah? fine!

he throws me into the water again and before i can turn around to look at him once my head pops out to the surface, he puts his head in between my legs, making me sit on his shoulders.

—Calum! —i laugh, grabbing him by the head a little, trying to steady myself—. i love your wet hair. —i mumble, running my fingers through it. he looks up at me with a smile that i gladly return.

_he's so beautiful._

i need to stop.

—wanna play some volleyball with someone? —he asks and i nod, jumping off his shoulders and into the water.

—okay, but you do the talking. —i mumble as we get out of the sea and he just laughs but nods.

we dry ourselves a little while looking around. i'm not searching for someone who looks nice and funny or that would want to play with us. i'm looking for a snack, if you know what i mean. it's been too long since the last time i got laid and i need to have sex right now. and if it can be an italian guy... that would be amazing.

—what about that group? —i ask Calum, nodding towards a group of friends formed by two guys and two girls—. those girls seem pretty and those guys are fucking snacks. —i add, making him laugh.

—yeah, sure. —he says.

we start making our way towards them and when we get there, we stop in our tracks. i, of course, let Calum talk.

they have a conversation in which i understand _'ciao'_ but i know that more or less, Calum asks if they can play, they nod and say something else. then, one of the guys, starts speaking my language.

—we speak english, so no problem. also, i'm Marco, this is Luca and they're Vittoria and Gianna. —he says, introducing himself and the rest.

—hi. i'm Reagan and this is Calum. —i say, also introducing ourselves.

they all send us a smile and we start playing. they're pretty good at it, unlike Calum and i, that suck a little bit. i used to play at school, so i remember something, but i mostly forgot everything that i learned.

—do you wanna make teams and play a match? —Luca asks.

—sure! —Calum says.

—Gianna, Reagan and i vs Calum, Luca and Vittoria? —Marco suggests and we all spilt in the two teams he named.

—we're gonna kick your asses. —i cockily says, giving my team a high five.

they're all really, really sweet and i appreciate a lot how they let us play and joke around with them like they've known us all their lives.

—Marco! —i yell passing him the ball. it hits him in the head, since he was looking the other way for an unknown reason and Gianna and i just laugh.

—why were you looking that way? —Gianna asks, still laughing before walking to catch the ball.

—did you see a hot girl and got distracted? —i tease, as if we're best friends and he just shakes his head.

—oh, you're gonna regret that. —he mumbles with that really hot accent of his. he starts running towards me and picks me up by the waist like a potato sack.

why do all guys do that? Calum did that an hour ago.

we continue to joke around all together, not caring that we met five minutes ago. i also learn some words and sentences in italian, which is pretty cool.

i'm probably gonna forget about it within the next five minutes, but whatever.

—we gotta go now. it was really nice meeting you guys. —Luca says, starting to pack the things they brought.

—hey, uhm... —Marco starts, approaching me as he scratches the back of his neck. i stop talking to Gianna to look up at him—. i was wondering if you could give me your number and maybe go on a date with me sometime.

my heart melts a little bit, not expecting him to ask me that.

—i'm not staying here for long, honestly and i- —i start, but before i can tell him that i'm not really into dating or going on dates and stuff, he cuts me off.

—you're with Calum. —he assumes, my eyes widening, but i nod.

—yeah. —i reply, not wanting to tell the poor guy that i'm not interested. i don't think he wants a one-night stand with me, which is what i'm looking for and since i'm not gonna get that, i can tell him i'm dating Calum—. you're really sweet and everything but i'm really happy at the moment. —i lie, trying to sound convincing.

—i'm sorry. forget i said anything. bye, Reagan. it was really nice meeting you. —he says before turning around and walks away with his friends by his side.

—well, well, well... —i hear Calum start behind me, making me turn around with a look of disbelief and crossed arms—. since we're in a relationship now... —he continues, sneaking his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him—. it means i can kiss you, right? —he continues, earning a laugh from me.

—hey, hey, hey, i just said it because i didn't want to tell him that i don't date. i just wanted a one-night stand. besides, it's not the time to mock me when i just let the hottest italian boy slip away. —i warn, making his right arm raise up in surrender. it goes back to my waist, not letting me go in any moment.

—i was getting jealous, baby. you really got along and i was scared. —he teases, making me roll my eyes at him.

—don't worry. i'm all yours. —i tease back, obviously giving in to his little game.

—i hope so. —he says, leaning in to kiss me, but i just walk away right before his lips could touch mine—. oh, come on. just one kiss. —he says, trying to grab me by the wrist, but i just shake my head, laughing. i run towards the sea, getting in the water with Calum following me.

—you suck at volleyball, you know? —i say.

we're always teasing each other and i love that about us. we can always joke around and be playful and even flirt.

—i hate you. —he mumbles, even though he's laughing.

—just speaking facts. —i say, raising my hands up in surrender, while he just rolls his eyes.

—do you want to spend the day here? —he asks, changing topic and i nod, liking the idea.

—i'm down for it, Hood.


	17. xvii

—what time is it? —i ask Calum, who's laying down in the towel next to me.

—1:37 am —he answers. i nod in response, looking up at the stars—. we've ran out of alcohol, right? —he asks and i nod once again.

my head snaps as an idea come to my mind and he just frowns, giving me a warning look.

—oh, no. what do you have in mind? —he asks and i just smirk at him as i stand up. since there's no one at the beach, i don't bother on grabbing anything, just my phone and wallet, even though i'm not exactly gonna need it—. Reagan, you scare me when you do that.

i laugh it off, refusing to say anything, to give him an answer or to reply at all.

—don't worry okay? you'll be fine, you know that —i tell him as we walk to an unknown place for him—. okay, just follow me and act natural —i tell him, which probably doesn't help him relax.

—don't tell me we're going to- —he starts, but shuts up once we enter the really small grocery store—. Reagan, i swear to god.. —he says as we walk through one of the two hallways. as i said: the place is really little.

it's probably one of the only supermarkets open at this time of the night and it doesn't have any security so i can steal anything i want.

—do you feel like whiskey tonight? —i ask him, grabbing a big bottle of that alcohol—. i'll take that as a yes.

—now, what? you just- —he also can't finish, because i grab his wrist, pulling him with me.

—hey, you didn't pay for that! —the man behind the little counter tells me and i just keep walking—. hey! —he yells.

—run, Cal, run for your life —i also scream, as i start to run towards the beach.

the man chases us and yells for someone to stop us, but there aren't much people today. it's monday, so everyone is probably already sleeping.

i keep running, Calum following me, calling out my name, while i just laugh.

—Reagan! —he yells, only making me laugh harder.

i even open the bottle and drink as i run until i reach the beach. the man has probably stopped chasing us a long time ago, because we've been running for a good while and i don't see him.

i sit down in the towels. thankfully, no one has robbed us and everything seems to be just like we left it.

—you're insane —he breathes out, sitting next to me, while i just drink more whiskey.

—oh my god, that burns —i mumble, completely ignoring what he said.

he grabs the bottle, also drinking and rests his arms on his knees. i look at his two rings and that tattoo i know the story of. i really love it. like the meaning and the reason behind it.

—you just stole a bottle of whiskey —he breathes out, shaking his head. a smile is playing on his lips though—. as said. you're insane.

i stay quiet, not knowing what to reply to that. i don't know in which way he means it. in a good one or a bad one. i don't know if being insane can be a good thing, actually.

—you never fail to surprise me, you know? when i think i've seen everything, you always do something to tell me you can be even more insane —he adds, earning a frown from me—. you stole apples, you stole eight thousand from that douche, you flew all the way to europe, went skinny-dipping, dared to kiss me and then just leave me in a roof at 5am. also this morning at the beach and then, you steal a bottle of whiskey. that's crazy —he says, making me look down.

i smile though.

i am a little bit crazy if you think about it.

—and you started running as you drank and you were just laughing your ass off —he also adds, letting out a chuckle.

—i don't know. i'm just trying to enjoy life while it lasts. it's really short and i've already thrown to the garbage most part of all the years i've been alive. so yeah, maybe i break the rules a little bit, but you told me how i can't take orders from others. you already know that. i follow the rules when i want to and when i don't, i make my own. i wanted whiskey, so i stole it. we all have to be a little bit mischievous sometimes. life is boring otherwise —i tell him. he nods a little bit, kinda agreeing with me, but i know that a part of him doesn't.

i look at him, waiting for him to say something, but he just smirks at me.

—don't smirk at me —i warn, which doesn't wipe it away, of course.

—k- —he can't almost even start because i stand up and start to take my clothes off until i'm only in bikini.

i run towards the water and get in, not caring about anything. i look back at Calum, who's taking his clothes off.

_fuck me. how is he so fucking hot?_

—you didn't scream like a little kid that it's too cold like last time —i tease, earning an eye roll from him.

—well, my balls aren't directly touching the cold water, which helps a little bit —he defends himself, making me laugh.

i get in the water, swimming away from him, but not for any reason. it's just really cold and i need to move.

—what are you planning on doing? —he asks, making me frown, not knowing what he means—. after this ends. i guess you know that at some point you'll have to stay in one place. not for life or anything, but you can't go travelling from one place to another for the rest of your life —he explains and this time i nod, looking down.

i've avoided that thought of what i'm gonna do after this ends, or when is it gonna end. i don't have an answer and i hate to think about it. i like to live in the moment and i'll worry about the future when it comes.

i have no idea where i'm gonna stay, when this is gonna end or what i'm gonna do afterwards. i don't have any idea about anything. about my job, about my house, about Calum even... i don't know when he's gonna get tired of me, of doing this, or where will he live... too many questions i'm not ready to answer and too many decisions i'm not ready to face.

—i have no idea. and i don't have to know. i guess i'll just roll with it. i'll let things flow and life will lead to whatever it leads, i guess. you know i don't like to plan things ahead and how i make my decisions without thinking them through much —i reply, even though it doesn't really answer what he asked.

i don't have the answer he wants though. whatever it is.

—you don't even know if you're gonna go back home? —he asks and i shake my head after shrugging.

—maybe. i don't know, honestly. there's so much i still have left to see. i will never see it all, so i guess i'll just do my thing —i say, making him nod.

i know he gets it. he always does. he's Calum Hood. understanding me it's his thing and maybe, he even knew my answer. he's extremely good a reading someone. we all know that. he's like a watcher, who observes people and learns a lot about them.

—aren't you gonna get tired of me? you're gonna have to settle down eventually. you'll find the love of your life and you'll forget about me. as you should, actually. i'm just a transition. i'm the person you'll spend time with until you find someone better than me and dump me. that's how life works and while you live in a cute apartment in new york and have children, i'll be lost, somewhere in the world, single, with no one by my side, like i've always wanted —i explain, but he just shakes his head.

—if you think i'm letting you go, you're wrong. you're not the person i'm with to kill time until i meet my soulmate. besides, i already know who it is —he says dead serious.

my head snaps towards him. i can't tell if he's joking or not, but please god, tell me he is.

—Calum, don't you dare go that way.. —i warn him, sending him a little death glare.

he just can't say that to me and expect me to be chill about it.

—i'm kidding, Jones —he says, approaching me, just like when we were skinny-dipping.

_doesn't sound like you're kidding to me, bro._

i don't say anything, too frozen. he may be kidding, but i'm still pretty shocked honestly. i stare at him with an unreadable face and he just has a soft look on.

—you didn't tell me about your last tattoo —he suddenly asks, making me smirk a little, looking down—. you thought i forgot? —he asks with a laugh.

—at this point, i know you don't forget things easily —i reply, as he comes even closer to me. our bodies almost touching.

—where is it? i've never seen it before —he asks, whispering.

—find it —i mumble slowly, a smirk on my face and he just looks at me with hungry eyes.

—turn around —he commands, probably already knowing where it is, or having an idea of where it could be.

i do as he says and turn around. i feel his hand on my hair, as he pulls it over my neck so that the tattoo i have in the back of my neck is visible for him. he brushes my skin with his thumb, a chill running down my spine.

—1976 —he mumbles, making me nod softly, still feeling his cold hands on my neck—. the year your mom was born —he guesses and i nod once more.

—i preferred to remember her when she was born than when she died. when i got it done, at the time, i wasn't ready for it —i shortly explain, this time being him the one who nods.

—how come i've never seen it before? i've seen you in a messy bun or pony tail countless times —he says, making me laugh quietly.

before i can turn around, i feel his hands in my waist, holding me still. my heart pounding on my chest, pretty scared of where this is going. i feel his face in the side my neck, his lips brushing against my skin.

—you're literally the most beautiful girl i've ever seen —he whispers in my ear.

_don't you dare, sis._

he turns me around in a fast movement and i look up at him with a blank face even if you can plainly see i'm dying to kiss the shit out of him.

the wet hair, the kissable lips, the alcohol in my veins, the moonlight, the time... why do i want to fuck him right here?

—Calum.. —i warn him, knowing that he wants me as bad as i want him.

i know this kiss means something. it's not the last one that was _'playful flirting'_. this one is literally admitting that there's something between us. the sexual tension, the feelings, whatever it is, but this is saying: fuck it, i admit it and i'm not denying whatever this is. and i hate it. i hate it that i'm so attracted to him in a genuine way. i do have feelings for Calum, but it does not matter; i don't do relationships, so this kiss, should not happen.

notice how i said _should,_ not _will._

—i kissed you once, why can't i do it again? because it's admitting what you feel? what we both feel? get over yourself, Reagan —he mumbles, not taking his eyes off me and refusing to let me go.

—Calum, i'm not good at-

—relationships, i know that, just shut the fuck up —he breathes out, shaking his head.

he smashes his lips on mine, making me melt immediately in his arms. with my hands touching his bare chest, they travel all the way up to his neck.

the kiss is passionate, but with a touch of hungriness, because even if i don't want to admit it, i've been waiting for this for some time now.

i can't fucking get enough of it.

i pull him closer to me, slipping my tongue inside his mouth without his permission, but he just tightens his grip around my waist. he runs his hands up and down my back. i wrap my legs around his waist and without any warning, he holds me by the back of my thighs, which makes me be higher than him. he has his head back so that i can kiss him and i run my fingers through his hair, messing it all up.  
  
i can't resist him.

i fucking can't.

i start kissing him more slowly, getting rid of the hungriness the kiss has and i send him the biggest smile in the entire fucking planet, which he returns with his eyes half closed. i connect our lips again, running my hands through his hair. before i can pull away, he just deepens the kiss, making the hungriness come back.

—let's just- —i start, but can't finish, because he nods, understanding what i mean.

we swim out of the water, and before i can't even reach the towels, he picks me up, making me wrap my legs around his waist once again. my lips collide with his once more, loving how soft they are. he lays me down on the towels, pressing his lips on the skin of my neck.

i let out a soft moan, which he loves, because he just works harder to get another one out of me.

—just take your pants off —i mumble, sitting back up, really eager to go to the point. we can have passionate sex another day. whenever he wants to. tomorrow morning if necessary, but right now, he needs to fuck me as soon as possible. i don't care.

—eager? —he teases.

—Cal, i swear to- —i start, but stop as i see what he has been hiding beneath his underwear all this time. i know i've seen him naked before, but as i said: i tried not to look down—. oh, dear god —i mumble, making him laugh.

i lay down once more, pulling down the bottom of my bikini and i nod at him once i'm ready.

it's pretty reckless, but i'm trusting my period that doesn't have to come for the next three weeks.

—don't we- —he starts, but i cut him off.  
  
—fuck me already, Calum —i command.

—gladly —he mumbles, going all the way in without warning. i let out a soft moan as he rests his hands on either side of my body—. fuck —he breathes out, throwing his head back. he starts moving and i arch my back in pleasure, fucking loving it.

i know today i said i needed to get laid, but i didn't really mean Calum.

what i was missing out on, though. i should've done that a long time ago. me shitting on the world because all my one-night stands sucked in bed when i had the good sex in front of me the whole time.

—you're not gonna break me, for fucks sake —i say, earning a big smirk from him.

i think he takes that as a challenge.

and he starts pumping in and out, faster as each thrust that he does.

—Calum, do that again, please —i breathe out, feeling my high approaching me.

he presses his lips on mine, shutting me up. he pulls out and in again and this time, it isn't fast like the other ones, it's slow, but so fucking deep that i see the stars.

he pulls out right before he cums and i just lay there, watching the sky, not even believing what we just did.

_and in that moment, she knew. she fucked up._

shut the fuck up.

he crashes beside me, both of us breathing heavily and clearly not knowing what to do. neither one of us knows what to say, but since i want to say something, i just breathe out the first thing that comes to my mind.

—fuck.


	18. xviii

—Reagan? —Calum asks, still laying naked beside me and i just hum in response—. what does this mean?

this is the question i've been trying to avoid, but i knew that at some point, he was gonna ask it and he just did.

—i don't know —i mumble, not daring to look at him.

—well, did you like it? do you regret it? —he asks, seeming pretty scared of what i might say.

—i loved it and.. —i don't answer the second question, not knowing what to say.

i know he gets that it's not about the sex itself, or that i didn't want to, it's just that i made a bad decision. i shouldn't have done that. it will mess things up.

_bitch, you know exactly what you want, you're just scared to admit it._

—i don't regret it —i finish, a smile making its way to his lips—. i know it was wrong. i mean, i promised myself i wouldn't screw up our friendship and i did. i don't know why, but i'm so attracted to you that as soon as i felt your hands on my waist, i couldn't resist. there's something that makes me want you whenever you touch me and yes, it was wrong, but fuck, i loved it. i fucking did and i don't fucking regret it —i say, admitting out loud everything i was afraid to say.

_almost everything._

he stays quiet, just like i do, so we simply keep on staring at the sky above us. the air is pretty tense and you can feel the awkwardness.

he suddenly sneaks his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him, making me laugh softly.

—then, why try to resist it? —he teases, putting himself above me, each arm on either side of me.

—Calum...

—i know, i know. we're not gonna be in a relationship, but we're clearly attracted to each other, so let's just do what feels right at the moment without thinking what may or may not happen —he says, earning a soft smile from me—. you said it yourself, you can't resist —he mumbles, kissing down my neck.

—you're the worst —i breathe out, letting out moan.

i grab his face and smash my lips on his. i flip us over, earning a laugh from him, while i just keep doing my thing. i kiss his sharp jawline that could literally cut a piece of meat.

i love having sex and everything, but kissing him in the lips is my favorite thing ever.

—i fucking love kissing you even though i hate to admit it —i mumble against his mouth. he just grabs me by the side of my neck, pressing his lips on mine again. i pull him with me so that he's sitting up with me in his lap. he grabs me by the ass, wrapping my legs around him.

—then don't stop doing it —he mumbles, almost not being able to finish his sentence because he lets out a quiet moan.

—not planning on to.

i pull away, my fingers tangled in his hair and i send him a big grin, before pressing my lips on his for a really slow kiss.

—always complaining about my one-night stands when i fucking had the good sex in front of me —i say, making him laugh.

i connect our lips for a short kiss, no tongue, no nothing; just a simple, short kiss. i stare at him and his swollen lips, messy hair and soft eyes. his strong arms around me between my waist and ass. he's shirtless, so i can see perfectly his toned arms and chest, which doesn't help me take my eyes off him.

—i like you. a lot —i confess, looking straight in his eyes—. and i don't know what i want at this point. i don't know what you feel, but if we date, i'm gonna mess it up and i can't lose you. it's too late for me to let go of you —i whisper, running my hands through his hair softly.

i love his hair.

like, a lot.

he stays silent for a while, and since i don't know what to say, i just wait.

—i like you too. a lot —he simply says, making me pretty happy, but at the same time, i hate that he feels the same. that gives us a reason to be in a relationship and i just don't think i'm ready for that. well, i am but i just don't know if i should be in one.

—what do you want? —i ask, knowing that he'll know what i mean.

—you. i want you. i want to call you mine and do all that stuff i have always wanted. with you. i want a relationship with you. i want to travel and see the world with you and fuck in every city that we go to —he replies, not taking his eyes off me.

i softly nod, trying to hide the smile playing on my lips, but i fail miserably.

—i'm gonna make a lot of mistakes and i'll hurt you and i'll- —i start, but he cuts me off by pressing his lips on mine, making me melt immediately—. i'm the kind of person that destroys everything they touch —i whisper, pulling away and he just shakes his head.

—that's not true.

—yes, it is.

—no. no, it isn't —he pushes, making me look down.

i am. i will always be the kind of person that fucks everything up and that loses every single good thing, but i'm not gonna fight over that with Calum.

—so? do you wanna... maybe... try? —he asks, scratching the back of his neck with one hand. i shrug, telling myself that this is a bad idea and that i can still say no.

—i just- i don't- do you mean like... boyfriend and girlfriend? —i stutter, feeling really nervous about everything and he nods.

he's really asking me to be in a relationship with him.

fuck.

—i mean... fuck. i- yeah, let's try —i reply a little unsure, looking down.

—hey, we don't have to if you're not ready for it —he softly says, cupping my cheek with one hand.

—i am ready. i just don't want to lose you. i could handle losing everyone i've been in a relationship with, but you... i just don't think i can let you go —i truthfully say, feeling really vulnerable.

i'm literally risking losing him. he's the only person i got left and it terrifies me if i ever have to let him go.

i'll be all alone.

—i'm not leaving. not now, not ever —he softly says and i nod—. okay?

—okay —i say, this time, more sure of it—. let's do this—. i add, making a big smile appear on his face.

—i've been waiting for this for so long —he mumbles, laying down once again and putting himself above me.

—but please, don't be different around me. i want us to be best friends before boyfriend and girlfriend, you know? i love our friendship and i don't wanna lose that —i tell him and he nods in response before pressing his lips on mine softly.

—and i want you to call me daddy —he jokes, making me laugh as i shake my head.

—you're an idiot —i breathe out, looking at him with the biggest smile ever plastered on my face.

i connect our lips once again, feeling like the luckiest girl ever.

that's cheesy, but what if i do feel that way?

i may not date a lot and think that i don't have my other half, but that doesn't mean i don't catch feelings for people and that i can't date someone along the way. i know i won't end up marrying Calum. i know that at some point, he will probably want to settle down, have a job and maybe start a family some day and that i'm not the person who can give him that. i know at some point, our paths will no longer go on the same direction, and that's fine. i will have to let him go at some point probably and that may be in a long time or just around the corner.

but let's worry about it when it comes my way.

our paths crossed and as long as they stay that way, i'll do everything as if it will last forever.

—i'm so glad you rejected that guy, Marco —he mumbles, making me laugh again.

—oh, uhm, don't call me weird names like sweetheart, babycheeks or some shit like that. i have a name —i tell him, earning a laugh from him.

—what about baby? or babygirl? or even-— he starts, but i cut him off.

—you can call me baby if you shut up and kiss me —i say and he nods quickly before pressing his lips on mine, making me smile widely—. if you turn me into a fucking hopeless romantic, i'll kill you —i warn and he raises his hands up in surrender.

—i promise, but i do want to do something romantic some day. like doing the pancakes thing —he pouts, my heart melting.

i need help, what is happening to me?

why am i so soft all of a sudden?

—the you wrapping your arms around my waist while i'm cooking in the morning, kissing each other and eating breakfast together? —i ask and he nods. i move my lips, doing as if i'm thinking about it—. fine, we'll do that if you want to, but we'll need a kitchen where i can cook for that —i laugh.

i'm actually a really bad cooker, but we'll worry about it another day.

—maybe, if we want to stay longer in a city, we could rent a little apartment for a week or something —he says and i nod, lowkey liking the idea.

—sounds like a plan —i reply, earning a big grin from him.

he connects our lips softly for a slow kiss that gets heated. i deepen it by opening my mouth wider, granting him to slip in his tongue.

—let's have sex once again, please. i loved it and i would really want to do it over and over again until sun rises —he says, pulling away and i shake my head.

—i'm still tired from the last time, so i think i'm just gonna head back to the motel and get some sleep —i reply, making him shrug.

—okay. let's go then —he says, leaving a kiss on my temple before getting off me and standing up.

we grab the towels, folding them and putting them inside the bag.

—also, no holding hands while we walk if possible. it stresses me —i tell him even before he could try to hold my hand.

he laughs and just nods, not minding it.

—i'll mess it up. i'll mess it up big time —i warn him as we start walking, but he just shakes his head, refusing to believe me—. i will, just like with everything else.

—you've never messed up. leaving someone because they weren't what you were looking for, isn't messing up. they didn't give you what you needed, so you left. you did that right thing —he says but this time i'm the one shaking their head.

i never told him how my relationship ended. never. yes, it was more or less that, but i do have some fault in them falling apart. i have most part of the fault, not gonna lie.

—you know this won't last forever, right? that at some point we will just- —i start, but he cuts me off.

—stop. i know, but why think about it? i finally made you mine and you're gonna remind me that maybe this ends? we just started and you're already thinking about the end? can't you just live in the moment? you're here, in Italy, with me, in a relationship, you're happy; why ruin that? i know i'm a hopeless romantic and that you're a realist and that this is probably not gonna work, or even last. that people like us, really different from each other, don't get together, that it will be a disaster, but we're here right now. let's just enjoy it while it lasts —he says, stopping in his tracks to look at me. my gaze drops to the floor as i play with my fingers.

—i'm sorry, i just- you know i don't let go —i mumble.

i'm a realist, i really am. i hop from one person to another and all that, but i don't let go easily. once i care, i care too much and i hold on too hard.

—i know and i don't either, but right now, you don't have to let me go —he whispers softly, making me nod—. okay?

i'm gonna regret this. i'm gonna mess it up. i'm not good for Cal. i'm supposed to be this tough girl, who just doesn't give a fuck, with no friends and that trusts no one. i'm not supposed to be this girl who's falling in love with that one in a million.

—okay.


	19. xix

—what's that? —Calum asks, approaching me with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

i'm laying in the bed, back against the headboard and a little envelope in hand. with another towel, he dries his hair a little bit in the hottest way possible before putting on a t-shirt and some underwear. he sits down next to me; a worried look on his face when i just look down.

—a letter my dad left me. maybe it's a suicide note. who knows? —i whisper, eyes in the verge of tears as i play with the envelope—. i'm scared. i'm not ready to face whatever is coming my way. i'm still trying to get over it, trying to get used to being in a relationship with you... i can't just read this to find out it was a suicide —i add, not meeting his eyes.

i can tell that he wants to hug me, but before he can even touch me, i get out of the bed and walk out of the room to head to the beach.

out of all the places we've been, that hasn't been a lot, Cecina has the best beaches in my opinion. for the last week, we've been going from town to town in bus. we stay only a couple of days in each of them.

i reach the sand and look around to see that there's no one. it's almost midnight, so that's probably why.

i start walking in the shore, waves crashing softly on my ankles, and as i stare at the sky, i realize that i probably won't ever be ready to face the possible suicide my dad committed. i can't wait for the right time or whatever. that's bullshit. i just gotta read it.

so, without hesitating, i open the envelope and pull out the paper. i walk towards the sand and sit down. i unfold it and take a deep breath before reading.

_you may want an explanation and truth is, there isn't one._

_i just needed to go if i wanted you to be happy. i could see you slowly going crazy, needing to get out of here. your mom was like you and i already made her settle down. i've seen what happens to a wild and free person when they do something that's not in their nature. i wasn't gonna let that happen to you._

_you wanted to tell me to deal with my own shit and then run away. that's what you should've done, to be honest. no hard feelings. but you stayed anyway._

_the night you told me you wouldn't give up on me, i did go to the bar and got drunk, but you didn't notice. i saw the smile on your face, knowing that i was getting better —which i really wasn't—, and i knew. i knew you were staying. i had to do something._

_don't tell me that i could've done things another way because you and i both know that's not true. i'm not gonna say something like "_ _you're gonna be better off without me", even though that's completely what i think._

_instead i'm just gonna tell you this:_

_run._

_run now that you can._

_run as far as you can._

_run and don't stop until you find what you've been looking for your whole life._

_i love you, and that's why, instead of telling you to not give up on yourself or some shit, i'm just telling you to put yourself at the top of your priorities for the first time in your life. pack your bags and get the hell out of this town._

_don't feel selfish when the only thing you're doing is trying to keep your sanity._

_i love you. i will always love you. wherever i go now._

_and remember, Reagan._

_just._

_fucking._

_run._

_— dad._

i wipe away the tears. i know it wasn't exactly sad, but the fact that he killed himself to let me do what i want to do, fucking hurts.

i just read the answer i was afraid of getting.

i stand up, letting out quiet sobs, and i start doing what he told me to. i run. i start running towards ' _target'._ there aren't ' _targets'_ in Italy, but there's this really similar shop that i saw earlier. i enter and search for some plates and red and black markers.

i pay for it, ignoring all the weird glances the cashier sends me. it's pretty obvious that i'm crying since you can clearly see my red and puffy eyes and those dry tears on my cheek.

as soon as i make it out, i start running again, memories of me, my dad, my mom and my brother running around my head.

when my brother threw me down that garbage chute, how my mom grounded him afterwards. when we went to grab pizza one day all together and we laughed so hard that pepperoni came out of Chase's nose. all those saturday nights that we played board games because it was simply a tradition.

everything.

and i start crying again, my world falling apart again. it's like when i think about it, all the pain i felt when dad died comes back. it's not easier, you just learn how to not think about it.

i get to the hotel and once i enter the bedroom, Calum's head snaps towards me. he's sitting at the edge of the bed, hands in his hair and a worried look plastered on his face.

—are you okay? —he immediately asks, standing up to walk closer to me.

—we're going somewhere —i simply say, breathing heavily from all the running—. get a hoodie, it's pretty cold —i add, letting out a sniff without realizing.

—let's go then.

i like how he's always up for any adventure. doesn't matter what time, or place, he just says: _fuck yeah, let's go_. i never explain to him what are we doing, but he accepts anyways.

—did you read it? —he asks and i nod, knowing what he's referring to.

—yeah —i simply reply, not looking at him—. it was suicide —i add, wanting him to know that, but nothing more.

he stays silent, knowing how i hate people pitying me. he's been through it, so he understands how much it sucks when someone tells you: _i'm sorry_. like no, don't apologize. i don't need that.

—a parking lot? —he asks with a frown once he sees that we're in the middle of a big parking, right in front of a mcdonalds.

—yes, a parking —i say, handing him a plate and a black marker.

—what is this for? —he asks.

—we're both extremely broken and i think that there's so much inside of us that's eating us alive, so we need to let go of all that shit —i explain.

i grab the plate in a position where i can write above it with my marker, and Calum just watches, not knowing what i'm doing.

_to letting go._

i write that in capital letters, in the middle of the plate and around that, i start writing all i've been through. i start writing all that i haven't let go of.

_mom's death,_

_Chase's death,_

_dad getting into drugs and alcohol and the game,_

_having the responsibility of taking care of his mistakes and having to pay all his debts._

_being a stripper to pay bills,_

_being constantly called slut because of it._

_almost_ _being sexually assaulted by a douche._

_seeing dad lose himself and a lot of money._

_dad killing himself to make me happy._

fuck you. fuck the world for all of that! fuck you dad, fuck you mom, fuck you Chase. fuck everyone. i'm tired of not letting go of all of that. it's been eating me alive until there's nothing for years and i'm tired of it. i read dad's note. i read it. i've got nothing holding me back from letting go. this is the day i get over it.

it's time to move the fuck on.

i even draw a little door with a _"fuck you"_ beside it, wanting to let that go too.

i finish writing all of that, hot tears running down my face and i start crying even harder, remembering all the shit that has happened to me.

i look over at Calum, who's also crying when he finishes. i don't see what he has written, but by the look on his face, i can tell that he's just as broken as i am.

—we're fucked up —i tell him and he nods.

—let's do this —he mumbles.

i step back, giving him his space.

he raises his arms and throws the plate towards the ground with all his strength, making it shatter in millions of pieces.

—that felt good, not gonna lie —he says, earning a quiet laugh from me.

i know it's my turn, so i glance down at the plate one more time, taking a look at my pretty messy handwriting.

fuck it. fuck everything that has happened to me. i need to let it go.

i raise my arms and close my eyes shut, knowing that this will be the last time i cry over that. tears run down my face as anger kicks in.

and as i'm really mad at the world, i smash the plate against the hard ground.

i breathe in and out, the last couple of tears fall down my cheeks and i crack a smile without realizing it.  
  
—this was a big fuck you to the world —i say, a big smile plastered on my face. he picks me up by the back of my thighs, making my legs wrap around his waist.

—we're stronger that anything that could come our way —he whispers.

—we are.

i press my lips on his, grabbing both sides of his face softly. i can't help but smile even bigger as i pull away.

—to letting go —i whisper and he nods before repeating:

—to letting go.

i connect our lips for another short kiss, closing my eyes slowly as i melt in his arms.

—do you wanna go grab our stuff and go somewhere else? what if we start making our way to France? we can stop in San Vincenzo and another town along the way. Marseille even, Toulouse and then Paris... we can choose —i say, giving him a teasing smile at the end.

—sounds like a good plan to me —he softly says, giving me one last kiss before putting me down—. do you wanna grab some burgers for the trip? —he asks right before we start walking towards the hotel.

—i'm down for it.

we enter the mcdonalds and order our food. he takes a motherfucking happy meal, while i take two of the biggest burgers i see, a large drink and a lot of fries.

he really doesn't know how to make a good order.

—i can't believe you ordered a happy meal —i mumble as we walk out of the building.

—but i like the little toy that comes with it —he pouts like a little kid, making me laugh.

—i'm dating a fucking five-year old, i swear to god —i tease, rolling my eyes jokingly. i have a big smile plastered on my face though, and he nudges me in the arm.

once we get to the hotel, we start packing our things, which consists on just zipping our backpacks, because we never take a lot of things out of it. we know we only stay a couple of days on each place, so settling down as if you're gonna be there for two weeks is really dumb.

—ready? —i ask, turning around to see him hanging his backpack around his shoulder and grabbing the other one with one hand.

—ready.

—i'm gonna search how to get to the train station —i tell him, taking my phone out of my back pocket as we walk out of the hotel after checking out.

we get there in no time, probably because when we got here, we didn't wanna walk a lot and stayed in the first hotel that we saw.

—okay, uhm... in an hour there's a train to San Vincenzo —Calum says, watching at the schedules of the trains and the map.

we buy the tickets, him doing the talking, of course, and we sit down in one of the benches to wait for the train to arrive.

it's really late, so there's no one except for a guy playing guitar and singing softly in the background. the street light and the moon are the only two things giving us light at the moment. everything is extremely quiet, except for the musician singing.

i intertwine my arm with Calum's and rest my head on his shoulder, feeling pretty tired. i let out a yawn, covering my mouth with my free hand before snuggling closer to the boy sitting next to me in an empty train station at 3 am.

—are you tired? —he softly asks.

i can clearly hear the smile in his voice and i simply smile bigger. he leaves a kiss on my temple, resting his cheek on the top of my head.

—a little bit, but i'm refusing to fall asleep until i get to eat my burgers —i mumble, making him laugh.

**a/n: the song is called love like this (the acoustic version) by kodaline. i really recommend you to listen to it while reading :))**

_"_ _running through the heat heartbeat,_  
 _you shine like silver in the sunlight,_  
 _you light up my whole heart_ _."_

Calum starts singing along with the guy that's playing guitar, making me look up at him with an amazed face.

—since when do you know how to sing? —i ask, really surprised, while he just smirks.

—there's a lot you don't know about me, Jones —he replies, making me roll my eyes at him.

i rest my head back on his shoulder before whispering:

—can you keep singing?

i love his voice, honestly. and i'm gonna be really cliché right now and i'm gonna hate myself for this, but he has the voice of an angel.

_sis, come on..._

shut up. i said what i said.

stay pressed.

_"_ _it feels right, in the sun._  
 _we're running_ _round like love is what we found._  
 _like nothing else could matter in our life._  
 _but wait, but wait, but wait,_  
 _the sun will stop shining soon_  
 _and you'll be dark in my life._  
 _it's as simple as a change in your heart."_

he continues and as each word that he sings, i can feel myself falling for this guy a little bit more.

it scares me.

a lot.

_"_ _a love like this won't last forever._  
 _i know that a love like this won't last forever._  
 _but i, i don't mind, i don't mind at all."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, first author note hehe. uhm, first of all, is anyone even reading this shit? yall are ghost readers lol. anyway, if you could show yourself so that i know this is actually being read by someone, it would be great.
> 
> thanks for reading —if someone actually is—. i hope you're liking it and remember that im looking for a lot of feedback so if you want you can dm me or even comment here what you think. i would really appreciate it because i really wanna be the greatest writer i can and you all can help me with that.🙃
> 
> you can tell me what you like, what you don't like. ANYTHING. doesn't matter. just be BRUTALLY honest with me.
> 
> love you.
> 
> \- gemma :)


	20. xx

—what the fuck are you doing? —i mumble, my eyes opening slowly when i feel Calum move in the seat beside me.

—i just had a nightmare —he says, running his hands through his black hair.

we're in our way to San Vincenzo right now and since we took the bus at like four in the morning, we have to sleep during trip so it's kinda difficult to cuddle.

—sorry i woke you up —he apologizes, but i shake my head, running my hand up and down his back.

—don't worry. are you okay? do you wanna talk about it? —i softly say, but he just shakes his head—. okay, fuck the seatbelts, come here —i say, unbuckling them and opening my arms—. i know you wanna be little spoon for a while —i add, earning a soft laugh from him.

i sit as if the two seats were a couch, with my back against the window and he lays in between my legs however he can, because this is pretty difficult. i wrap my arms around him and rest my chin on the top of his head.

—do you wanna eat our burgers? —i softly ask and he nods. i grab the two bags from mcdonalds from the floor and hand him his little happy meal box.

—how can you eat when i'm literally laying on you? —he says, letting out a quiet laugh, not wanting to make a lot of noise.

in the end, everybody but us is sleeping so we need to be respectful.

—i'm amazing what can i say? —i cockily say, eating one of my fries—. ew, you put ketchup in them? —i ask when i see him spreading all the sauce over his fries.

if you're gonna commit the mistake of liking ketchup and eating fries with it, at least don't put it above them. everyone knows that you have to put it in one side of the plate.

—you don't like ketchup?! —he asks, bringing a hand to the left side of his chest, acting like he's hurt.

—ketchup is trash —i say, shaking my head.

—take that back! —he argues back, making me laugh.

—absolutely not.

with one finger, i take some of the ketchup and draw a line on his cheek.

—hey! —he protests, doing the same to me.

—it's on! —i say, putting my finger in the ketchup and spreading it all over his face as i laugh my ass off.

—that's unfair, you're in a superior position! —he argues, also laughing. all the crinkles by his eyes and his perfect white teeth showing off.

—let me eat in peace. you're so annoying —i tease, making him let out a gasp.

—i took that personally —he mumbles, making me laugh.

we clean our faces full of ketchup before continuing to eat. we spend our time cracking jokes here and there, making small talk and kissing. a lot, may i add.

at this point, i think we've woken someone up, but in my defense i say that we're doing our best.

once we're done, we put all the empty paper boxes inside the big plastic bag they gave us.

—i'm so tired —he mumbles, almost whispering.  
  
he turns to the side, burying his hands on his chest as i play with his hair softly, a faintly smile on my face.

—do you wanna go back to sleep? talk for a while? listen to music? —i whisper.

—can you give me a kiss? —he asks, making me bite my lip, trying not to smile bigger.

—gladly —i reply, pressing my lips on his for a soft and short kiss.

—much better —he mumbles.

—now go back to sleep loverboy —i playfully say, leaving a kiss on his temple sweetly as his eyes shut down. i run my fingers through his hair noticing how it calms him down and he just snuggles even closer to me.

—i know i've told you this before, but you're my favorite person in the world —he whispers.

—you're my favorite person in the world too —i say back.

—can i tell you about my dream? —he asks, seeming pretty scared that i may say no or some shit.

—of course. let everything out —i whisper, leaving a kiss on the top of his head. a small smile grows on his face.

—i just feel like they will never go away. it's always the same thing. i enter the house and everything is normal —he starts—. and then i see two dudes in black, entering the house. it's like i'm reliving what happened when i still was in practice, you know? it's like my brain imagines how it went. i see how they shot them, i- —he continues, getting nervous, his voice trembling. he closes his eyes shut, probably imaging it all.

—hey, hey, i got you. it's okay. you don't have to talk about it —i whisper softly, holding him tighter as i play with his hair.

—but i want to. i feel like if i talk about it, it will be easier —he says and i nod, understanding what he means, so i just wait for him to continue—. i hear the trigger being pulled. everything is just so loud that i can even hear how the bullet hits my mom in the head.

tears fall down his face, leaving my t-shirt all soaked, but i don't care, honestly.

—and i see them falling the ground, dead, while i just stand there, watching everything. and all the blood in the carpet, the scared looks on their face right when the two men point at them with the gun... i could feel how scared they were and how they knew what was coming —he continues, choking out the last sentence in between sobs.

he's holding onto me for dear life. as if he lets go, he's gonna fall apart.

—if i had been there, i could've done something. maybe it could've only been me. i could've protected them, i don't know but i- —he stops himself, not knowing how to continue.

survivor's guilt.

that's what he has. he feels guilty that he was the only one who survived. he feels like he should've been there as well.

—it should've been me, not them —he mumbles, making me shake my head.

—that's not true. just because you were the only one who wasn't there, doesn't mean you deserved to die with them. i'm sure they're happy you're still here —i softly say, intertwining my fingers with his—. at least, i am.

i can feel how his eyes slowly open and his breathing slows down.

—i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i just- it's a little bit too overwhelming sometimes and i'm really fucked up and- i'm sorry —he starts, wiping away his tears as he sits back up with his back facing me.

—hey. don't apologize. it's okay. it's totally okay —i softly say, also sitting back up and wrapping my arms around his shoulders from behind, resting my chin on his shoulder.

—it's been almost like six years and it just doesn't get any easier. i'm so weak —he says, making me shake my head.

—Cal, look at me —i command, his gaze turning towards me—. you don't get over something like that within a lifetime sometimes. you're here, you're moving on, you're doing your fucking best. you're the strongest person in the entire planet and you can fall apart all the times that you need to. i will be here, i will hold you until you stop crying or you fall asleep. i won't let go, but please, don't feel ashamed to have emotions and to have the need to let stuff out sometimes. it's okay not to be okay —i say, looking straight into his eyes.

he stares at me for a while, making me a little bit confused. i don't know if i have to wait for him to say something, but before i can even think about it, he smashes his lips on mine. i smile immediately, pulling away for a second before connecting our lips once again.

—you make me really happy —he whispers against my mouth. i, of course, smile like a fucking fool because i'm an idiot.

—you make me really happy too —i say back, earning a wide grin from him.

—can we go back to sleep? —he softly asks and i nod, laying back and opening my arms for him. he comes closer to me, with his head on my chest and curled up like a ball in between my legs like the cutest thing ever.   
  
—goodnight, Cal —i whisper, his eyes shutting down once again.

i decide to play with his hair since we both love that and when i leave a kiss on the top of his head, i see a small smile growing on face.

without moving much, i grab from my bag my headphones and phone, wanting to listen to some music. i put the two earbuds in and click play so that _—_ _between the bars —_ by Elliott Smith starts ringing through my ears as loud as the headphones can.

i look out the window to see that it's starting to rain.

_pluviophile: someone who loves the rain. who finds joy and peace of mind in rainy days._

i've always loved rain. i'm the kind of person that never uses umbrella. it could be raining cats and dogs and i would still be walking, with headphones in and feeling like i'm in a music video.

whenever it started raining in the middle of the night and it woke me up, i always went for a walk. i found it really relaxing. the sound of the water drops colliding with the floor and tapping on my shoulders.

i look over at Calum once again, my hand running through his hair still. i smile softly at the sight of the guy i have in my arms, sleeping peacefully. he looks so relaxed, breathing in and out slowly, head buried in my chest and lips slightly parted.

i honestly have no idea how we did it to get so comfortable in such uncomfortable seats. my shoulder is almost touching the back of the seat that's in front of mine.

i can barely see Calum's face because all the lights are off except from the ones the driver has on. it's like 5 am, everyone's sleeping, so nobody has their little light on.

i take my headphones off, wanting to be surrounded by just the sound of the water drops tapping onto the window.

i know i'm not gonna fall asleep anytime soon, so i just keep on looking out the window and at times, i glance over at Calum. i know it sounds creepy, but i just love looking at him. he's beautiful in every single way possible.

fuck. what's wrong with me?

_you in love sis._

like two hours later, the bus arrives to its destination, so softly, i leave a kiss on the top of Calum's head, wanting to wake him up.

—you awake, Hood? —i playfully say, caressing his cheek softly.

—no —he mumbles shortly, making me laugh.

—come on. we're here —i say and he nods before sitting back up.

he lets out a yawn before grabbing his stuff and standing up to walk out of the bus with me by his side.

—did you even sleep? —he asks as we walk out of the bus station.

—i wasn't sleepy —i simply reply.

—have you looked for a hotel or somewhere to stay? —he asks and i nod, not looking at him.

our walk to the motel is dead silent. i don't want to speak and i can tell that Calum just doesn't want to push it. he's also probably scared that i may blow up. he knows how i don't like to talk about my feelings or anything until it makes sense in my head.

and at this moment, i don't even know what's wrong.

_that you know you're in love with Calum._

that's not it.

_oh my god bitch, you're impossible._

when we get there, Calum does the talking of course and they give us the key to our room. we walk up the stairs of the little motel and as soon as the door closes behind him, he speaks up.

—why are you being so distant? —he asks, making me turn around.

—i'm no-

—don't you dare give me that excuse. you know it's bullshit —he says, cutting me off before i can even finish—. what's wrong?

—honestly? i don't know. i just have a lot inside my head i need to figure out and it's a little bit overwhelming sometimes.

i know that today is supposed to be the day i let go of everything, but it's not that easy. i still have a lot to think about. moving on isn't just breaking a motherfucking plate. there's more to it. today was the first step.

—it's okay. i know how that feels.

he proceeds to take off his clothes until he's only in underwear and i do the same. he throws me his t-shirt, already knowing how much i love sleeping in his clothes.

—oh my god, a bed. finally! —he says, jumping on top of it and spreading his arms and legs like a star.

—dork —i mumble, throwing myself on top of him, making him let out a yelp, while i just laugh—. let's go to sleep, because i'm extremely tired —i say, leaving a kiss on his lips before getting off him and laying down.

—i think it's your turn to be little spoon —he says, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind, making my back touch his chest and stomach.

—goodnight, Cal —i whisper, about to fall asleep.

—goodnight, baby. sleep well.


	21. xxi

—baby —i hear Calum say from the other side of the bathroom door.

—yes? —i say back as i grab the bottle of shampoo to wash my hair.

—come cuddle me —he pouts, making me laugh as i shake my head.

—Cal, i'm in the shower. give me five minutes —i reply, turning the water off so that he can hear me better.

—okay, but hurry up, please —he says, earning a small smile from me.

i don't really hurry up though, i take my time. i'm the kind of person who takes forever to shower, so i'm not gonna go really fast just because my clingy boyfriend wants cuddles.

i wrap a towel around my body to dry myself a little bit, i brush my hair and put on the clothes that are resting above the bathroom sink. i get out of the bathroom to see Calum laying in bed, back against the headboard, a book in his hands and headphones in. i smile. really wide.

—i didn't know you were much of a reader —i tease, walking closer to the bed.

—there's a lot of things you don't know about me, Jones —he says, making me roll my eyes.

i take away his book as i put myself above him, each of my legs on either side of his waist.

—hey, i was reading t- —he starts, but i shake my head, cutting him off.

—just kiss me —i softly say, pressing my lips on his.

his arms wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

—did you have a good shower? —he asks and i nod satisfied in response.

i lay down in between his legs, with my back on his chest and head on the crook of his neck. i hand him back his book before looking up at him and leaving kisses down his neck.

—do you wanna read with me? —he softly asks, also handing me one earbud.

—you read, i'll sleep because i'm really tired —i reply.

—we can go to sleep if you want —he whispers, leaving a kiss on my temple. i just shake my head, even though my eyes are about to shut down—. come on —he whispers, taking my earbud off, just like his.

he puts the headphones and phone above the nightstand. he picks me up so that i'm laying in the bed and not in between his legs and wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. he starts leaving little pecks down my neck, a smile making its way to my lips. i turn around, wrapping my arms around his neck and softly pressing my lips on his.

—do you wanna be a little mischievous? —i ask him, a smirk on my face and his eyes widen—. no, not like that —i laugh—. but i'm always down for it —i add, connecting our lips once again.

—oh, me too —he playfully says, flipping us over slowly.

he attaches his lips to mine once again, my legs wrapping around his waist. he leaves sloppy kisses, sucking onto my skin to give me as many hickeys as he possibly can.

—i can't believe we're gonna have sex for the third day in a row —he says, pulling my t-shirt up to kiss my stomach.

—true. let's do this tomorrow morning, but right now, i've got an adventure for both of us —i laugh, sitting back up.

—noooo, i was having fuuuuun —he whines, earning a small smile from me—. weren't you tired five minutes ago? now you want go somewhere and do something illegal? —he asks and i frown.

—how do you know it's something illegal?

—because the way you tell me you have an illegal idea and a normal idea that doesn't include breaking the law, are very different from one another —he replies, leaving me without words.

—it scares me how much you know me —i say, leaving a kiss on his lips, earning a big smile from him before getting out of bed.

—noooo, come back —he whines, grabbing me by the wrist and making me fall on top of him in the bed.

—Cal- —i can't even finish, because he connects his lips with mine. i melt immediately in his arms—. nope —i say, pulling away—. we gotta go. come on!

—fine —he scoffs, getting up—. but you're gonna let me grab some beers —he says, grabbing four little bottles, making me laugh as i walk out of the room with the key in hand—. i'm kinda excited, not gonna lie.

—it's gonna be fun. you're not gonna be disappointed.

we start to walk towards a place he doesn't know of. neither did i before i searched it up this morning.

—the local pool? —he asks once we're in front of a building.

—exactly —i reply, walking towards a little street that goes all the way to the back of the building where you can see the pool.

people in here really don't care about security, but i'm not complaining.

—and we're back to climbing fences —i say as i start doing my thing—. the bottles —i tell him as he throws the beers to the other side of the fence where i'm standing—. we like alcohol a little too much —i laugh as he starts climbing the fence as well.

—now we break into pools? —he asks, a playful smirk on his face and i nod.  
  
—let's gooooooooooo —i yell, running towards the pool without even taking my clothes off.

—you're insaneeeee —he also yells, jumping in.

—okay hold on, i'm gonna go get the beers —i tell him, getting out of the water thirty seconds after i get in.

i grab two of the bottles that he let down in the floor, throwing him one before jumping in with another one in hand. i open it, careful not to be too harsh so that none of the liquid gets in the water.

—you can't tell me i don't have the best ideas —i tease.

—uhm.. —he starts, taking a sip of beer, just like i do—. you have the _craziest_ ideas, that's true —he says, making me crack a smile.

—you know, —i start. he takes another sip, waiting for me to continue—. when i was little and i was starting to feel the need of getting out of my hometown, my mom noticed. she realized that her daughter was exactly like her. she didn't say anything or did anything, but when my teenage years came along, she could see how i couldn't really handle it. we couldn't afford going on vacation or even going out for a weekend and so, one day, right when i was about to fall asleep, she told me that we were going somewhere.

—you broke into a pool, didn't you? —he asks, almost laughing and i nod in response.

—yeah. i know she probably shouldn't have, because in the end, my mom shouldn't be my partner in crime and shouldn't help me do illegal things, but i guess that she didn't only do it for me. she also did it for herself. we were both stuck in the same place with an overwhelming need to get out. so almost every friday or saturday night, we went out and did something. we went to the spots i go by myself now. she showed me how to go steal those apples, or that spot at the top of the hill... she was showing me her way out of having to settle down. she was helping me fight the same feeling that she had, even if it wasn't in the best way to do things —i explain, looking down at the beer in between my hands. it's almost floating in the water, because i'm barely holding it.

—i guess your dad didn't know —he says and i shake my head.

—of course he didn't. whenever mom felt like leaving, like running away because she couldn't handle it anymore, she simply did something like this with me and told dad that she was okay, that she loved him and that she loved being settled down. they were all lies. and she never lied to him. only about this, but she simply felt like she owed him too much. she felt like after everything dad did for her, the least she could do was spend the rest of her life with him. at the end of the day, she was in love with him, so she did the sacrifice of living life like dad wanted.

i stop for a while, taking another sip.

—they remind me of us in some way. a hopeless romantic with the dream of spending the rest of his life with the same person and a realist who dreams of freedom —i add, making him smile.

—so, by this, you're telling me that you would settle down if this goes on? you really would do what your mom did? —he asks in disbelief and i shake my head.

—oh god, no. i don't think i'm that good of a person to do that. i know i've done it with dad, but because i knew that at some point it was gonna end. i knew he was gonna die or that i could send him somewhere so that he could get over his addiction if i wanted, but settling down and starting a family is on another level. that shit means forever. it means taking care of your kids, raising them... it means being there and a lot of sacrifices that i can't make. that's why in some way i feel like this won't last. don't get me wrong, i've promised myself that i would do everything as if it will last forever, but there's always that thought in my mind that keeps reminding me that people so different from one another don't get together.

—the cool part of a relationship is that the two people have to be different —he argues, but i shake my head.

—one thing is thinking differently about certain food, but in a relationship, the two people can't have such different opinions about love and relationships. we can be really different, but what we want in a future, how we want to live our lives... that has to be similar. if two people want to settle down in a future, it's perfect no matter how many things they don't have in common. but us? you're a hopeless romantic who loves being attached to people and being in love and doing all that cute little shit that couples do, who at some point will want to settle down and maybe even start a family. while i'm a person who jumps from one person to another, who hates depending on people and that gets bored of them. you know where i'm going? our opinions about the only thing we need to agree on are the complete opposite —i tell him, making him look down for a second.

—okay, but you're implying that by the fact that i'm a hopeless romantic, i would want to settle down. i've told you that i don't want that."

—but maybe you will! you want to spend the rest of your life with the same person! —i argue back.

—stop making as if we're so different when we're not! the only difference we have is that i believe in us and you don't! —he says, raising his voice, taking me aback.

—what? i do-

—no! you don't! you're so obsessed with the idea that we're so different that you miss all the things we agree on. at this moment, nothing bad has happened to us and you're already thinking we won't make it out alive. that is believing in us? —he says, cutting me off—. i love this! i love going from one place to another and just because i'm a hopeless romantic, doesn't necessarily mean i want a family. and you can't say that maybe i will at some point as if you can't. what if when you feel like you've seen it all, you want to buy a house somewhere? maybe not start a family, but have a stable job and live in the same place for some time? maybe you do change your mind —he finished, making me look down.

—i just-

—we're not so different and you need to start believing that this can work out, because otherwise, it won't —he adds, this time softer and i nod.

—i know —i simply say, looking down.

i feel him coming closer to me and taking my beer, resting both bottles on the side of the pool. he wraps his arms around my waist.

—i do believe in us even though it seems like i don't —i whisper, a small smile appearing on his face.

—you're my favorite person in the world —he softly says.

i bite my lip, keeping myself from smiling like a motherfucking fool, but i fail miserably.

you can plainly see how happy i am when i'm around this guy.

i press my lips on his, pulling him closer to me by the neck as his grip tightens around my waist.

—we're gonna finish this bottle with one last toast —i tell him when i pull away. i grab the two beers once again, handing him one.

—sure. to what?

—to not being that different —i say, raising my bottle up in the air.

—to not being that different —he repeats, connecting his beer with mine.

i bring the bottle to my lips to finish the half there's left.

and under that sky full of stars, in the middle of july, i kiss Calum with the biggest amount of passion i have in me. for a lot of different reasons. i probably want to show him that i'm falling deeply in love with him, even though it scares the shit out of me. i also want to tell him that i understand.

he gave me a lesson today. he really did.

and yes, maybe at some point it will end, because even if he thinks that we're not that different, that the only thing different about us is that he believes in us and that i don't, i know this will end. it's not true that i don't think we can make it, it's just that i know myself. our natures are simply too different.

it's not about believing, it's about being. my nature is to leave, to not stay with someone a long time. doesn't matter if he knows what to give me to make me stay; i can always feel too stuck. i belong in the streets, and as much as he thinks he wants that too, he won't want that forever. i may change my mind, but i won't change my nature.

that's how it works.

but as i said the other day, our paths crossed and as long as they stay that way, i will do things as if they will last forever. i'm gonna kiss him in the same passionate way until the last one we share. even if it's the next one or if there are a thousand more before the last one comes along. i'm gonna smile with him as big until the last one i send him. and i will laugh just as hard until the last shared one with him.

that's what i will do. or try to do, at least.

he makes me happier and he will make me happier until the second he leaves. or the second that _i_ leave.

i know that i hate to depend on people, and that caring scares me a lot, but it's too late for that. i should've pushed him away sooner, because now, the only thing i'm gonna do is hold onto him for dear life.

i've been through hell a lot of times and right when i thought nothing was gonna get better, life said: _okay, we can give her a little bit of hope._ and so, they gave me Calum, i guess. i don't believe in fate, but i do think that me bumping into Calum was a really amazing coincidence. it was pure luck.

he helped me out of a really dark place even though i like to think i did it by myself. maybe he wasn't with me the night dad died, but i knew he was there, you know? and after that, he held me and i broke down in his arms countless times.

and right now, that i'm here, in a pool at like 3 am with stars and a full moon above me, kissing my favorite person in the world, alcohol running through my veins, i realize something:

we don't know what we're doing. at all. i don't think neither one of us knows what this means or what this is. like, what the fuck are we doing in Italy and breaking into a pool? what are we doing? i have no idea in what world i could've thought of doing this. even less with someone by my side who's not mom.

i don't know what any of this means. we're just too young and too dumb to know things like love. even less when we don't even know where we're going. we have our pasts chasing us and dreams of having better lives, but they're just dreams that we don't even know how to chase. i don't know where i belong, or where i'm going, or even what i'm trying to achieve. i want freedom, but that's just so difficult to describe. i don't know where to search and with this guy that has me completely whipped, i'm even more confused about what i want.

and yes, we don't know where we're going, where life will lead us to, when this is going to end or even how, but at least we have each other. because truth be told, as one of my favorite quotes says: _"we're just two young souls drunk on the idea that love, and only love, could heal our brokenness."_


	22. xxii

i feel someone plant his lips on the top of my head, leaving there a short kiss. i immediately smile, still with my eyes closed.

—baby —Calum says with a deep sleepy voice, leaving kisses down my neck—. baby, wake up —he whispers, lips against my skin, hugging me from behind.

—you're such a teddy bear —i mumble, making him laugh.

i turn around in his arms to face him just to see that he has a faintly smile on his face, eyes slightly open and really messy hair.

—what are you talking about? i'm manly —he playfully says, pulling me closer to him. i cup his cheeks softly, pressing my lips on his.

—no, you're not. you're the softest baby ever —i mumble with a smile playing on my lips.

—just for you —he mumbles back, making me smile widely.

god, he makes me so happy.

i fucking hate it.

—now kiss me —he pouts, pressing his lips on mine for a short kiss—. any plans for today? —he asks when we pull away. i rest my head on his chest, wrapping my arms around his torso and i shake my head.

—i'm fine with having a day in, to be honest. laying here, with you, cuddling, kissing, talking... sounds perfect to me —i say, and even though i'm not looking at him, i can feel the smile growing on his lips.

—you wanna have a day in? what about going on adventures and exploring every day? —he laughs, caressing my hair softly.

—i need a break from that too, you know? —i reply, looking up at him—. besides, you don't know how comfortable i am —i laugh, snuggling closer to him.

—then day in it is.

—yes —i mumble, looking up at him and leaving a kiss on his lips.

—and it's raining now, so perfect day to stay inside —he says, pulling away for a second once we both hear the raindrops tapping on the window of the room.

—sucks that there isn't a tv —i say, covering myself with the sheets, freezing. it's august, but it's pretty chilly today.

—i have a lot of other things that we could do in mind —he mumbles, putting himself above me, kissing down my neck softly.

—Cal.. —i start, almost moaning as i run my fingers through his hair while he sucks into my skin—. it's a lazy day, not a sex day, so stop —i laugh, making him pout as he sits back up.

—you're boring —he mumbles, earning a roll of eyes from me.

—i'll go get some snacks and i'll put on a hoodie because i'm fucking freezing and you grab your phone to watch a movie —i tell him, not giving him the chance to say something back, because i stand up. i put on a hoodie really quickly, grab some money from my almost empty wallet and head out of the room to go buy some food.

i walk out of the motel and walk like five minutes until i reach the little local grocery store. i enter and take off the hood i have over my head that is now soaked. i buy some cookies, chocolate, different type of chips, sodas, beers... i pay for it, like the legal person i've always been and head back to the room.

i'm pretty soaked when i get there, so i take off the hoodie to put on Calum's.

—hey, that's mine! —he protests.

he's already laying in bed, phone in hand and a book and headphones resting in the nightstand.

—i know, but mine is wet —i say back, making him roll his eyes—. you know you love it when i wear your clothes —i tease, a smile on my face. i let down the snacks i bought and get in bed.

—i know, but t-shirt and hoodie is abusive, don't you think? even more when i have three t-shirts —he laughs and i just snuggle closer to him, not wanting to tell him that i'm also wearing his sweatpants.

you can't blame me; his clothes are warm and really comfy. besides, they smell like him.

—what do you wanna watch? —he asks, wrapping his arm around me and holding his phone in front of us.

—i don't know. you can choose —i reply, so he taps on H2O, making me laugh.

i sit back a little bit, just like him so that we can eat properly and without expecting it, he grabs me by the waist and puts me in between his legs. he hands me the phone, that i put in between my knees so that he can see from behind me. i also grab the chocolate, giving him a piece and also one of the beers.

—let's goooooo —i say, hitting play and resting my head back on the crook of his neck.

—can you pass me more chocolate? —he asks and i nod.

—wait, i'm gonna do it in the hopeless romantic way —i tease, turning around to look at him—. here comes the planeeeeee —i say, making him laugh.

—that's not the romantic way, that's the feeding a kid way —he laughs, but opens his mouth slightly.

before i can feed him, i lose balance because of all the laughing and i end up spreading the chocolate all over his face.

—i'm sorry, i'm sorry —i apologize, still laughing my ass off.

i put the piece of chocolate in his mouth and he just has his eyes closed with a disgusted face.

—how the fuck can you be so dumb? —he mumbles, making me just laugh harder.

—i don't know —i say, almost gasping for air.

—why are you even laughing?! —he asks, a big smile on his face even though it's covered with half melted chocolate.

—okay sorry. tried my best on being an amazing girlfriend but failed —i playfully say, laying down once again, my back against his chest.

—you already are the best one —he mumbles, my heart melting. i look up at him and he sends me a big smile before pressing his lips on mine for a soft kiss.

—give me the phone please —he asks and i nod, handing his back.

—what are you doing? —i ask, but once he brings the phone in front of us and up a little bit to take a selfie, i understand—. noooooo, i hate photos. i look awful in them —i laugh, hiding my face on his chest—. stop, no, i refuse to —i mumble, earning a laugh from him, but he just takes the pic.

—i love it! —he says, handing me the phone so that i can look at it.

he has a cheeky smile on his face, while i'm pouting like a little baby. i'm snuggled on his green hoodie that says _"_ _empathy"_ and his chin is resting above my head. he's wearing a plain black t-shirt and some sweatpants, even though you can't see them.

—our first picture is awful —i say with a laugh and he shakes his head.

—i think it's perfect —he mumbles as he changes it to his wallpaper.

—that's so hopeless romantic.

—for you everything a little bit romantic or cute or that shows that you care for another person is something hopeless romantic —he argues back and i shake my head, even though he's right.

—that's not true! —i protest, but he just sends me a look of disbelief—. okay, fine. you're right —i admit, earning a cheeky smile from him.

—hey, i was thinking we could go to the gym some day. i used to workout everyday but that was until you said: _hey, Cal, i met you two weeks ago, but do you wanna run away?_ and i haven't worked out since then —he suggests and i let out a whine.

—i don't really like working out, but if you want we can go. you work out and i watch my really hot boyfriend —i tell him, looking up at him with a smile and he just rolls his eyes.

—that's creepy, but since you called me hot, i'm gonna let it slide —he says back, leaving a kiss on my lips.

—can i be honest with you for a second? —i ask, suddenly going all serious. i feel him tense up a little, being quite scared of what i might say, but he just nods.

—always, baby.

—if you ever, like.. —i start, playing with my fingers, looking down. he pulls me even closer to him, wrapping his arms around me—. find yourself with someone that's not me. like, in a relationship —i continue, not knowing how to put this.

—babe, we've already-

—no, we haven't. not about this —i say, cutting him off—. if this ends, doesn't matter when. tomorrow, a month, two years, ten years from now, promise me you won't hate me by the simple fact that we're no longer together. like, if you ever find another person better than me and you fall in love, promise me you won't hate me —i say, still looking down, with my back against his chest.

—baby, what's all this about? —he asks, helping me turn around to sit in his lap with my legs around his waist.

—i just need to know that even if in a future you're with someone else, you won't forget me. promise me that even if this isn't forever, the memory of me and all the times we've spent together, will last forever. and that, you won't hate me. that you will remember me for the good things and not the bad ones —i say, trying my best to not stop looking at him in the eyes.

i can tell that he's confused as fuck.

—just don't forget the me i am when i'm with you —i add, his face softening—. promise me. please.

he looks at me for a while before cupping my cheeks with both hands.

—remember our first kiss? in the kitchen of that motel? —he starts and i nod softly—. and how a week later i told you that you don't forget a kiss like that? —i nod once again—. well, this is the same. you don't forget a relationship like this. you don't forget someone like this —he says and before he can even add something, i press my lips on his passionately—. there will always be a part of you in me —he softly says, looking at me in the eyes with a small smile, soft stare and really messy hair sitting atop of his head.

fuck.

fuck.

fuck.

i'm no longer falling.

i've hit the ground.

really, really hard.

fuck.

fuck.

fuck.

fuck.

FUCK.

F.

U.

C.

K.

no.

i can't be in love.

when did this happen?

what the actual fuck.

i love Calum.

oh my-

_bitch, you slow, but you made it. you realized it. finally. took some time, but congrats._

—shit —i breathe out without realizing, making him frown as my eyes just widen at the thought of me loving this adorable idiot.

—what? —he asks, clearly confused and i just stare at him, debating what to do.

—can i be honest with you? —i ask with a monotone voice—. again —i add once i see that i said that five minutes ago.

—yeah, of course —he replies, his hands resting on my waist.

i take a deep breath, knowing that there's no going back at this point. if i love him, i better tell him, right?

_right, but don't you think you should tell him another time? maybe, think this through a little bit? you know, because ma-_

—i love you.

_it's embarrassing to be inside your head._

his jaw drops as he freezes and i start getting nervous so i just get off his lap and stand up.

—what? —he chokes out, his head snapping towards me and i just tense up a little bit.

i look down at my hands as i stay right where i am. i stare at the guy laying in bed, who's confused as fuck and without taking my eyes off him, i say it again.

—i love you.

i stay quiet, waiting for him to do something.

—i thought you were never gonna say it —he mumbles as he just stands up, walks towards me and grabs me by the waist to smash his lips on mine. my back hits the wall hard, making me let out a gasp, but he just connects our lips once again. i wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me—. jump —he mumbles.

i do as he says and he picks me up and lays me down in bed, starting to kiss down my neck.

—we're gonna have some fun —he mumbles.

i wrap my legs around his waist as i pull the ends of his t-shirt upwards to take it off, just like i do with mine. i run my fingers up and down his chest until the line of kisses he's leaving goes further down my stomach, that i run my fingers through his hair, letting out soft moans.

—fuck, i love that sound —he mumbles as he looks up at me for permission. i nod, so he proceeds to pull down my pants, but before he can't do anything, i flip us over.

—i'm on top today —i mumble against his lips, attaching mine to his for a kiss.

i pull down his pants and grab his pretty hard shaft as i kiss him. he pulls away, letting out a moan, and i take that as my cue to kiss his sharp jawline and neck. once i leave a hickey there, i suck on his skin down his chest. i pull down his underwear, throwing it to the ground. i look up at him for permission and he nods, so i immediately wrap my lips around his member, making him whimper.

i move my hand up and down in sync with my mouth as i look up at him. he grabs the sheets in his fists, turning me on a lot, because that's hot as fuck to me.

—how the fuck are you so good at this —he breathes out, throwing his head back as he mumbles profanities to the ceiling. i smile, loving the view—. fuck, baby, i'm gonna- —he doesn't even finish, because i pull away, making him send me a death glare—. you did not- —he starts, but i shut him up by pressing my lips on his.

—you were having too much fun —i tease, brushing my lips against his.

—you're the wor-

he can't finish, because, i grab his shaft, aligning it to my entrance and i take it all in.

—fuck —he breathes out.

i rest my hands on his chest, adjusting to him because he's definitely not small and when i'm done, i start going up and down slowly.

—i could do this all day —i mumble in between moans.

—i won't complain if you do so —he replies, bringing his hands to my waist.

—we can't get through one day without having sex —i mumble with a laugh that turns into a soft moan.

if the sex is this good, no one can blame us.

—oh my fucking god —he says, breathing heavily.

—fuck, Cal. i'm so fucking close —i breathe out and before he can even say something, i scream his name, my eyes rolling to the back of my head as all the energy i have is replaced with pleasure. he cums right after me and i fall in bed next to him with the biggest smile ever plastered across my face.

—that was fucking amazing —he mumbles, earning a soft laugh from me.

i nod in agreement, scooting closer to him and resting my head on his chest.

—i love our days in, baby. we should have them more often —he says, making me laugh once again.

—i agree —i say, looking up at him with a smile, that he returns—. i'm tired —i mumble, wrapping my arms around him and snuggling against his body.

—normal, you did all the job —he replies, caressing my hair softly—. you're such a top, Jones —he mumbles, making me burst out laughing.

—you're such a bottom, Hood —i tease back.

i love how we still tease each other and apart from the sex and the kissing and stuff like that, our friendship is still there. he's my best friend even though he's also my boyfriend.

—baby? —he asks a couple of seconds later.

—yeah? —i ask, resting my head back on his chest, my eyes shutting down.

i feel like i just ran a marathon and we didn't even fuck for much longer than twenty minutes.

—i love you too.


	23. xxiii

—oh my god, i love tacos so much —i mumble, taking a bite of the best food in the world—. also, pass me my drink, please —i ask him and he nods, handing me my big cup.

—it's nice to have a day in sometimes —he says and i nod in agreement.

—it is. we all need to disconnect for a while and just do nothing but eat —i add, looking out the window to see that's still raining a little bit.  
  
—eat and fuck —he corrects, making me laugh.

—fair enough. eat and fuck —i say, going back to my amazing taco.

—why do i have this feeling you have something planned? —he teases, making a smile play on my lips.

—how did you know? —i ask, looking at him in disbelief.

—i know you've had enough rest and that you wanna do something because i'm guessing that in no time you will want to go to the next town and you wanna do one last thing before leaving —he replies and i nod, pretty impressed.

—i mean, you're not wrong. when it's raining, i have the obligation of going for a walk without umbrella —i tell him.

walking around when it's raining and it's all dark, that you can only see because of all the streetlights is the best thing ever.

—that's fair enough. do you wanna go right after we finish these? —he asks and i nod, taking another sip of soda.

—oh, and now that you've mentioned the leaving and going to another place, i've thought that maybe we could go to Genova and maybe afterwards head to France. Marseille, Toulouse, Bordeaux and from there, maybe stop by at some little towns until we get to Paris —i explain my idea of where we could go next.

—Paris, huh? the city of love? i thought you wouldn't wanna go there because it would be too cliché and too much of a hopeless romantic thing.. —he teases, bringing his face closer to mine.

—oh, please —i start, rolling my eyes at his comment—. i've never been to Paris and it's one of the most famous cities in the world, so i wanna go. doesn't matter if it's the city of love. that's crap. i wanna go because i wanna go —i snap back, but he just smirks at me, grabbing my taco.

—you're such a hopeless romantic —he teases again.

i can't help but smile, even though i hate it when he makes these comments.

_no, you don't._

he just presses his lips on mine softly, making me lay down with my back against the soft mattress. i wrap my legs around his waist, kissing him back with my arms running up and down his chest.

—i thought we were going to finish eating to go for a walk before it stops raining, not making out or having sex for the second time today —i say as i pull away. he lets out a laugh before leaving one last kiss on my lips.

—i love you.

i swear the biggest smile ever grows on my face. not the first time he says it, but it's still the day we said it for the first time and it still makes me the happiest that i've ever been.

—i love you too —i say back, a grin making its way to his face—. now, let me finish my food —i say, sitting back up and grabbing my taco once again to finally eat it.

—can i ask you a question? —i suddenly say, taking the last bite and he nods.

—sure.

—do you play guitar?

—i did not expect that question —he laughs, making me tilt my head to one side, making him know that i want an answer.

i know he sings, like a fucking angel, may i add, so maybe he does play guitar or an instrument.

—yeah, i do play —he answers, my eyebrows shooting upwards in surprise—. well, not anymore. i left it back in Sydney —he adds, making me frown.

—have you thought about buying another one or something? i would like to hear to play.

—i don't even know if i wanna play again. maybe someday, but i'm not sure. it used to be a thing i did daily. i wrote my songs to just let stuff out through them, but when i moved, it was because songs weren't enough anymore and i wanted to start over so i didn't bring the guitar with me —he explains and i nod as he talks.

—i think you should try it again. you loved it. you clearly did and it was really important to you at some point so maybe you shouldn't just leave it and forget about it —i say back, taking a sip of drink so that there's nothing left in the cup.

—i know and i will play again at some point. maybe —he simply says, looking down at his hands.

i take that as our cue to leave to go for a walk, so i stand up and put on some shoes really quickly, just like he does. he doesn't say anything else, he just grabs the key to the room. i take off his hoodie, throwing it to him and grab mine that is no longer wet from this morning and i put it on.

—let's go —he says, but before he can walk out of the room, i stand in front of him.

i look up at him with a worried face, not knowing if he's okay or not. maybe the guitar thing is way more personal to him than i thought. maybe it's too touchy and it wasn't the moment to talk about it with him.

—i'm okay, baby, don't worry —he says, but i shake my head—. i'm fine. let's go.

i tilt my head to one side before nodding. i grab some beers from inside the fridge and throw one at him before we both head out.

—let's goooooo —i yell once we're out of the motel.

it's pretty late and there are no cars around so we just walk in the middle of the road. it's all dark and you can see the waterdrops hitting the ground in the small puddles in the side of the road. it's a full moon, but you can barely see it from all the clouds covering the sky.

i open the beer and take a sip before opening my arms. i start to run towards whatever that road in the middle of nowhere leads to and i even open my mouth to feel the rain in my tongue.

fuck, i love this.

—i fucking love it here! —i yell to the sky as i stop running to just feel the water falling on my face. i bring the bottle to my lips to drink more as i wait for Calum to catch up.

—i love the rain so much —he mumbles. running pass me in the same way that i did, making me laugh.

he stops running at some point and turns around with the biggest smile ever, arms still open and walking backwards slowly.

—i miss the days where i could do this whenever i wanted to —he suddenly mumbles once i catch up.

—you still can. we're here for that. to do whatever the fuck we want —i say back but he just shakes his head.

—i know but that's not what i meant. i miss the days when i lived life like they were all rainbows and unicorns. i had no responsibilities and not even a little bit of sadness in me. i was one hundred percent joy and now... i only do these things because you're here. you're the reason i go back to my childhood sometimes. i know that when i was seven years old i didn't break into pools, or steal vodka from a store, but by doing these things, for little moments, i turn into that kid i was when i was seven. i feel pure happiness —he explains, taking another sip of beer.

—you hate growing up —i suddenly say, making him frown.

—who doesn't? —he scoffs with a laugh but i shake my head.

—i _hate_ growing up, but you're _afraid_ of it. you don't just miss the good old days. you're genuinely scared of the future —i say, his eyebrows shooting upwards.

—go on with your reading please —he playfully says, making me roll my eyes and i smack him in the shoulder.

—oh, i will, and i'm gonna impress you a lot —i cockily say, this time him being the one who rolls his eyes—. i may not know what to do with my life, but i'm not more lost than you are. at least i know what i'm searching for, more or less. but you... what do you wanna do? —i start, making him look down—. you keep doing this because it's the only way you have of going back to your safe place, isn't it? it's not that you love adventures, it's just that you go back to your childhood, to when everything was great. you don't know what to do now. you wanted to start new, but i guess that you don't know where to go. you're scared of growing older because you have no idea of what you want your future to look like —i say, stopping in my tracks to look up at him.

i'm worried about getting attached and not being able to live my life the way that i want to or about not achieving my freedom or whatever, but he's afraid of living life when he has no idea how he wants to do that.

—i thought i was the only one who could read the other —he simply says and i don't reply, i just keep on staring at him.

—is that the reason why you started hanging out with me? —i ask curiously.

i've always thought it was because he likes adventures and he wanted to start fresh, but maybe it's just because it's his way of going back to his good old days.

—i don't know. maybe —he replies, my head tilting to one side.

—you have no idea who you are —i mumble to myself, even though i know he hears it—. that's why you prefer to talk about someone else than yourself. you have no idea of what you want, so instead, you read people. you don't know who you are, but you know everyone else.

i wait for him to say something. but i think that he has no idea of what to reply. i'm glad i'm the one leaving him speechless. he's always the one who does that.

—you're enjoying your payback, huh? —he chuckles, earning a soft smirk from me.

—what's your favorite memory as a kid? —i ask, completely ignoring what he said.

—wow, that's tough —he mumbles, taking a sip of beer as he starts to walk once again—. i remember one day when i was like seven and it was raining a lot. at the time, i was really scared of storms, so i always hid below the sheets until it stopped —he starts.

i can picture Calum as a little kid doing that, honestly and i can't help but smile at that thought.

—my sister, Mali, dragged me out of bed even though i was literally screaming that i didn't want to. she took me to the living room and played parchisi and videogames and watched movies with me... she basically distracted me from the storm and just spent time with me. that's how i got over my fear of storms —he finishes, looking down at me with soft eyes—. it's not my favorite memory because it's not that special but it sure was important to me. it was an amazing night the one we had and it will forever have a special place in my heart —he adds, taking another sip of beer, just like i do.

—how was she like? —i softly ask.

i know he's a little bit drunk because it's his second beer if we count the one he drank while eating tacos and i know what alcohol can do to you. if i want him to spill some things, him not being fully sober is the perfect time.

—she was like the perfect, yet the really annoying older sister. she gave me advice whenever i needed some and was always there for me, but at the same time, when we were at school, she just didn't even look at me. not because she was embarrassed of me, but because she wanted to keep me out of his school life, just like she kept mom out of it. she wanted her own life outside the family which is completely understandable —he says and i nod as he talks—. she was also really smart and got straight A's, so she always helped me with physics, which i sucked at. i still do, but i'm not in school anymore so i don't really have to worry about it —he continues, letting out a laugh at the end.

—did you go to college?

—i did my freshman year but dropped out. i wasn't in the best mental place and with all the stress from college it was too much, so i dropped out to focus on myself because i knew i had to start taking care of me and my mental health —he replies and i nod, understanding him.

—i think you did the right thing —i say.

your mental health should always be your number one priority. doesn't matter what everyone else tells you that you have to do, your mental health always goes first and that's why he chose correctly in my opinion. he chose himself, which will never be the wrong thing to do.

—me too, but still. my family wanted me to go to college. i wanted to as well and have a good job and a good education... i know it's not that i need it to survive because i'm loaded, but i don't want my parent's money. i wanted to have my _own_ apartment that i paid with my _own_ money that i made from my _own_ job. i wanted to have a life that didn't have to depend on my parents —he says, a little frustrated at the end.

—just because you didn't go to college, doesn't mean you can't have that life. you can get a job and have your own place and not use any of that money. i didn't go to college and i had a job in which i made enough money for an apartment.

i don't have an apartment but that's because i had to take care of dad, not because i couldn't afford it. besides, i paid for everything because he almost didn't make any money, so you can say i had my independent life. dad didn't.

—as you said, maybe we could stay a little longer in one place. i'm talking about three months, a little more even, but the point is, that if we both had a job, we probably wouldn't need to have a college degree or your parent's money —i continue and when he stops once again and turns to look at me with a surprised face, i frown in confusing—. what? —i ask, but he just smiles widely in response—. Cal...

—you're starting to believe in us —he simply says, making me roll my eyes at him.

—Cal, i've always-

—Ray, that's not true, but that doesn't matter, because you do now. you said three months or more, that means you want that to happen if you were the one bringing it up and that you do believe we will get there and we will be able to do that. you don't think you'll get tired of me even if we share an apartment for more than three months —he says, a smirk on his face at the last part—. you don't get tired of me. you love me a lot and you know it —he says, the smirk just growing and winks at me before taking a sip of beer. he starts running again, arms wide open and yelling random things to the sky.

he's pretty drunk.

i watch him as he runs farther and farther away from me with no care in the world. i can see how happy he is right now.

i don't know how, but he's right. i don't get tired of him and i do see a future with him no matter how hard i try to deny it. if i imagine how i want my future to look like, he's in the picture. he's the only thing i know for sure that i wanna keep.

—Ray! —he yells, making me snap out of my thoughts—. this is to never grow old! —he continues to scream, raising his bottle in the air.

—to never grow old! —i yell back, doing the same as him with a big grin plastered on my face and a second later, we both finish our drink.

—oh, and Ray! —he yells once again as i walk closer to him. he grabs me by both sides of my face with his hands, looking at me directly in the eyes—. i love you —he whispers for like the fourth time today.

it could've been the hundredth one, but i would have still smiled as big.

—i love you too.

and just like that, his arms travel to my waist and under the pouring rain, at midnight, i feel his lips on mine.


	24. xxiv

Marseille.

we've officially gotten out of Italy and we're exploring now France. we've been to Genova for a couple of days and tomorrow we're probably gonna head towards Toulouse. afterwards, i would like to stop to little towns before going towards Paris.

lucky me that Calum also knows a little bit of french. he doesn't speak as fluently as italian but he does know how to hold a simple conversation, which is all we need.

—Ray? —he asks, opening the door to the bathroom while i hang my towel because i'm gonna shower.

—what's up? —i ask, turning around, taking my t-shirt off.

—do you mind if i join you? —he asks with an innocent smile on his face and i shake my head, letting out a laugh.

he hands me his towel, so i hang it next to mine as well. we both undress before stepping into the shower. i turn on the water, waiting for it to get hot.

if you shower with cold water, i can't trust you.

—oh, and i have a surprise for you —he suddenly says while i get below the shower.

—i'm scared —i reply, making him roll his eyes—. what is it?

—you'll see —he answers with a smirk on his face.

—if it's lingerie, i'm throwing you out the window —i warn with a laugh.

—i'm not that horny! —he argues, smacking me in the shoulder—. but i'm actually gonna buy you that for our anniversary —he adds mumbling, making me laugh.

—anyway, i wanna know the surprise —i say, going back to the important thing.

—i'll show you after the shower because we're going somewhere —he says, my eyebrows shooting upwards, not expecting him to make the plans.

normally i'm the one with the ideas, but i'm not complaining.

—this time, i've made my research and i'm taking you on a date —he explains, really proud of himself that he's the one thinking about what to do.

i get out of below the water so that he can have that place and i grab the body soap.

—a date? i don't remember you asking me on a date —i tease, a smile playing on my lips while he just rolls his eyes.

—Reagan Anne Jones, would you go on a date with me tonight? —he asks, the grin in my face growing bigger.

—yeah, i'm down for it.

he grabs the shampoo, still standing below the shower and turns me around so that my back is facing him. he puts some on his hand before massaging my hair.

—i love it when your hair is wet —he mumbles and i don't know why but i clearly know his tongue is poking out in concentration.

—you're so cute —i mumble with a smile and he just nudges me on the shoulder for the second time in five minutes.

—you're the worst —he laughs.

we switch places so that i can wash my hair and before he can pour some shampoo in his hands, i grab it myself.

—no way. i'm returning the favor —i say, turning him around by the shoulders—. okay, can you crunch down a little bit? —i shyly ask, making him laugh while he does as i asked him to.

it's not that he's way taller than me, maybe three inches, but i can't put shampoo in his hair if he's not in the same height as me.

—you should give me massages more often —he says, letting out a soft moan.

—i give you head massages every day while we cuddle —i point out.

—i knooooooow, but we're not naked and it's not with shampoo. not the same thing —he says, earning an eye roll from me.

—you love the naked part, don't you? —i tease and he just nods innocently.

once i'm done, we switch places again and he washes all the shampoo away. he starts leaving kisses down my neck from behind, making me tilt it to one side and his hands resting on my waist.

—i love you —he whispers in my ear, making me the happiest human being alive.

i turn around, wrapping my arms around his neck, running my fingers through his soaked wet hair, which is a mess. hot water is running down his back, making some steam surround us.

—i love you too.

i press my lips on his wet ones, pulling him closer to me. i smile into the kiss, not being able to hold it back and i just look at him with a foolish expression.

i am so fucking whipped.

_i didn't know, sis. nobody realized that until now. thank you._

we head out of the shower and i hand him his towel before wrapping mine around my body. he gets out of the bathroom while i brush my hair and he just gets out, just like i do two minutes later.

—so, at what time are you picking me up for our date? —i playfully ask, putting on a pair of pants.

—how does 7 pm sound to you?

—sounds like a plan —i smile, kissing him on the lips softly.

—what do you wanna do for the rest of the day? —he asks, arms wrapped around my waist and i shrug.

—well, i had something planned, but i know that's where you're taking me tonight so.. —i start teasingly, even though i'm pretty sure he's taking me there.

—hey! i'm not that predictable, okay? where do you think i'm taking you? —he challenges me, my eyebrows raising.

—to the old port of Marseille —i say, his jaw dropping, while i just let out a laugh.

—okay, i am that predictable? —he mumbles, looking down, making me feel a little bit bad.

—but hey, you can take me there anyway. you thought it by yourself and i'm really thankful that you prepared a date just because. doesn't matter if i already know the place we're going. i've never been there anyway. i love you and i would love to go there on our date —i say, putting two fingers below his chin, making him look at me.

—i love you so, so much —he whispers, a smile growing on my face.

—i love you too —i say back, leaving a kiss on his lips that lingers there for a second.

it's been a month and a half.

it's such a short period of time and we're already saying _i love you_ to each other. it's crazy. doesn't matter that during the month and a half we've spent almost every minute together. he's such a big part of my life and it hasn't been long at all.

i know i've said this a lot of times but sometimes i feel like i don't have it in mind as much as i should.

i'm really scared. or i should, at least. this is pretty dangerous. and reckless as well. i'm literally giving my everything to someone i met not even two months ago. we're travelling the world together and even if we ignore the fact that we're really different and all that shit, it's still insane.

—i'm really glad i asked you to come with me —i whisper, earning a big smile from him.

the day goes by and the only thing we do is eat, play card games and laugh. well, and kiss, but that's just something that goes with the package of being with Calum.

—it's 6:45 pm, don't you wanna get ready? —he asks, but i just shake my head, handing him his cards to start a new game.

—i can get ready in five minutes. besides, i have two outfits, it's not like i can get ready a lot. i don't have makeup, or a dress. i have a brush and two hair ties —i defend myself and he nods, getting what i mean.

—okay, that's fair enough, but i'm still gonna put on a t-shirt —he laughs.

he loves to not wear a t-shirt. for some reason he's shirtless ninety percent of the time.

no complains, though.

he stands up and walks towards his backpack to take out a t-shirt.

one thing i've learned about Calum is that he's extremely messy. he never knows where his stuff is and he's always searching for something. i don't think i've ever seen him take out of his backpack a pair of socks. he always loses one of them and ends up tossing everything out until he sees that's not in there and finds it in the bathroom sink.

he just leaves stuff around and then never finds it.

i'm a messy person, but there's no comparison to him. he's on another level.

it's really funny to see him get frustrated over a sock almost every day. he's adorable when he searches for stuff and even though i should probably help him, i always just watch him and smile.

_sis, you're so whipped, it's embarrassing._

—you don't need fifteen minutes to put a t-shirt, but you do need them to find some socks —i tease, earning a death glare from him.

—for your information, they're in here —he cockily says, but when he starts looking for them inside the backpack again and only finds one, i burst out laughing—. don't laugh! i put them here this morning! i promise! —he protests, raising his voice, while i just continue to laugh—. you hid them, didn't you?! —he suddenly says, my jaw dropping as i frown.

—what?! no! why would i do that? —i argue.

—because you love to make fun of me! —he says back.

—okay, you got me there. that's true, yes, i do love that, but i swear i didn't hide them —i promise, also admitting that he's got a point.

—fine, then where are they? —he says, getting frustrated, which i find really cute.

—i don't know, look in the bathroom. you always forget to grab them after you wash them so they're normally just hanging there —i tell him, just like every other day when he loses one sock.

i don't know why he only grabs one of them after they dry. they go in pairs. he has to grab both of them because they dry at the same time, but for some reason he leaves there one.

—found it! —he happily yells from the bathroom, making me roll my eyes.

i also stand up to grab a hoodie since we're about to leave and the nights here are pretty chilly. i put on some flip-flops and wait for him to finish putting on his socks and vans.

—okay, wait, we gotta do this right —he says, making me frown, but before i can say something, he walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

he knocks a couple of seconds later and i understand. i open the door to find him standing on the other side with a cheeky smile on his face.

—you look beautiful. like always —he says, a smile growing across my face.

—you don't look bad either —i playfully say.

he offers me his hand, that i gladly take before stepping out of the room.

—ready for our date? —he asks and i nod, sending him a small smile—. so, first of all, we're gonna have dinner at a small restaurant that has amazing view of the sea and it's extremely romantic and after that, we're gonna walk around the old port for a while. when it gets darker, we're gonna go for the last surprise of the date that i told you about this morning in the shower —he explains the plan and i look at him in awe.

i cannot believe he actually arranged all of that. i know one part of it it's just walking around the port, but still, i didn't ask for it, or for the idea to go on an official date, or the restaurant, or that surprise. he did all that because he wanted to.

—did you really plan all this just for me? —i ask in disbelief.

—of course. and i would do it again. i will, actually. i love you and i want to do things for you. for us. i'm so glad i can make you smile and i know that even though you may not know it, you deserve all of this and more —he softly says, looking down at me.

fuck.

i really need get my shit together or i will continue to stare at him like he's an angel fallen from heaven all night.

_if you say it, i swear to fucking god i'm going to-_

well, he is an angel.

_you're embarrassing._


	25. xxv

—i don't know how you found out about that restaurant, but it was so good —i say as soon as we walk out of the building.

our whole meal was less than forty dollars the both of us. it was really, really cheap but it also was the best food in the entire fucking planet.

after those tacos, of course.

—i definitely love France —i add with a big smile plastered on my face.

—well, i'm glad you liked it —he says.

he smoothly pins me against the wall in the middle of the street and presses his lips on mine softly. his arms immediately sneak around my waist as mine travel up and down his chest.

—Cal, we're in the middle of the street —i point out, letting out a laugh. he just smiles and captures my lips once again. i melt. of course i do. i can't say no to one of his kisses.

—okay, since we didn't have dessert, i thought we could stop by to grab a crêpe —he says once he pulls away and takes my hand as he starts walking backwards.

—sounds good to me, Hood. really in the mood for one —i tell him.

i don't know why he hasn't been the one organizing the plans and thinking about what to do. he's way better than me when it comes to making legal plans.

i know we went for a walk in the rain like a week ago and it's not illegal or anything, but he's great at choosing places to eat and plan a whole night.

—i'm genuinely happy you liked the place. i was really worried about it because i know you a lot but i don't know your favorite foods, apart from tacos of course, and i wanted you to like it because even though we've been dating for a while, this is our first official date and i just- like i know we spend every day together- —he starts rambling on, making me smile at how cute he is when he's nervous.

i stop in my tracks to grab his face with my two hands and plant a kiss on his lips softly, wanting him to stop talking.

—shut the fuck up —i say with a laugh—. i loved it, didn't i? and there are things about me that you will learn with time —i add before leaving another peck in his mouth.

we continue to make our way to the old port of Marseille to grab a crêpe.

it's pretty dark since we've spent like three hours in the restaurant. it's not very crowded, but there's quite lot of people sitting in benches, looking at the sea. some in the sand or going for a midnight swim. some are simply just sitting in the chairs of a bar outside, having a drink with views of the sea and some others are just taking a walk, like Calum and i.

we stop at a food truck that sells crêpes and wait for our turn.

—okay, since this is our first date, i think we could play twenty questions —i playfully say, turning to the side to look at him.

—fine by me, but what if we make a switch and the other has to answer the question? whoever gets more points at the end, wins —he says and i nod, agreeing.

—whoever wins pays for the others crêpe —i add, wanting to bet something to make it more interesting—. what's my favorite album of all time?

—easy, _louder than bombs_ by the smiths —he cockily says, my jaw dropping.

—fuck you, Hood —i mumble, earning a laugh from him.

—what's my favorite color? —he asks, my eyes widening, knowing that i have no idea of the answer.

—i have no idea, blue? —i try to guess and he just looks at me like _seriously?_ —no way! really!?

—you're the worst.

—yesssssssirrrrrr —i cheer for myself.

we order our food once it's our turn, stopping the twenty questions game. each of us pay for their own, but i hope he will give me the three dollars later because i won.

—okay, what's my least favorite food of all time? like, the thing i hate most —i say, knowing that he probably doesn't know this.

—ketchup —he answers straight ahead, without thinking it twice, making me laugh as i shake my head.

—what? no! pineapple! —i say.

—i didn't know okay!? —he protests—. anyway, what's my favorite food? —he asks and i look at him with a smirk.

—pancakes —i answer, really sure of my answer.

he told me that the night we were going to the spa.

—wait, i told you that ages ago. you remember? —he asks with a soft voice, looking down at me as we walk.

i simply nod in response.

—i wanted to get to know you so i listened to you and i put that information inside the little folder i have inside my head of stuff that i know about you, so yeah... i remember —i say, not knowing what he means by that.

should i not remember?

—Calum, i didn't forget your favorite food, it's not that big of a deal —i say, letting out a laugh once i see that he's looking at me with a weird face, like he cannot believe it.

—it's just that, back then, you barely considered me a friend and i thought you didn't really pay attention to what i said —he says, making me frown.

—doesn't matter what i considered you. i still listened to you, which is what every decent human being should do. just because you don't know the person very well, doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention —i say back, not knowing where he's going.

—i know, but you remembered, that's all —he says, making me frown once again, but i let it slide, going back to the previous topic.

—okay, let's do that the one who gets to three points first, wins —i suggest making him nod—. what's my favorite animal?

i'm doing him a favor because he knows this one and if he answers it wrong, i'm killing him.

—are you letting me win? —he asks with a chuckle.

—oh no. i would never do that. i just want to give you the chance to get to two points before i answer the next one and win —i cockily say, earning an eye roll from him.

—whatever. koalas —he says and i nod.

i love koalas.

best animal ever.

period.

—okay, what's my favorite piece of clothing? —he asks, my jaw dropping.

what kind of question is that?

i have no idea. tank-tops? beanies, maybe? sweatpants? hoodies?

—Cal, what? i don't know! —i protest, making him raise his shoulders—. fine, sweatpants? —i guess.

it's a really comfortable clothing, he wears them almost every day because half of his pants are sweatpants... it would make sense if it was the right answer.

—no —he says—. hoodies, because we share them and i see you in them every day. besides, when you give them back, they smell like you —he adds, my heart melting.

i do not deserve this kind of guy.

i really don't.

his heart is just too pure.

—i'm glad this relationship is 50/50, you know? you get the hoodies and i wear them —i tease, making him chuckle—. next question. this one is very difficult, and it's more about developing your reading skills, even though that as good as they are you're not getting it right —i say, his eyebrows raising.

—i'm taking that as a challenge. what do i get, if i answer correctly?

—anything. like, you won't get it right, so i will do whatever you want me to do —i say and once i finish the sentence, i can already feel the smirk growing on his face.

for him, anything = dirty stuff.

—okay, i'm buying you lingerie and i'm gonna rip it off —he mumbles, making me roll my eyes.

—if you keep going like this, what you will get will be a punch in the face —i shoot back. he brings a hand to the left side of his chest, acting like he's hurt.

oh, he'll be hurt if he keeps making these comments.

—anyway. who do you think i was in high school? —i ask, before taking a bite of my crêpe, waiting for him to answer.

—i did not expect that —he laughs—. i think you were the badass, actually. didn't give a shit, but did at the same time. you had a small but really close group of friends and you weren't the popular girl but not someone that was considered a loser —he guesses, making me shake my head.

not even close.

—you're not very close —i laugh.

—then? tell me —he says, but i shake my head—. what? why not?

—i want my surprise first —i tease, making him roll his eyes—. give it to me and then, i'll tell you.

—i'll give it to you right after you tell me your high school experience —he says back, making me let out a sigh.

i want that surprise too badly.

—fine —i scoff, not liking that he won—. i was a cheerleader —i start, his eyes widening.

—no fucking way. really?

—yup. i was one of the most popular girls in school. i hated it. it wasn't me, but i guess that learning how to put on a fake smile and not being myself, helped me when my mom and brother died. no one noticed. no one knew my world was falling apart because even if my group of friends was really big, i had no one. i didn't want anyone. no one cared enough to ask what was going on. i was the popular girl, whose life was supposed to be perfect. why would someone ask? they didn't give a fuck —i continue, walking down the pier to sit at the edge, tired of walking. besides, i wanna finish my food in peace—. basically, my high school experience was good but bad at the same time.

boats sit above the water along both sides of the dock, moving slightly with the small movement of the waves. my legs hang off the edge, just like Calum's. the sky is pretty clear tonight, you can see a lot of stars and a full moon reflecting on the water.

i scoot closer to the guy sitting next to me and i wrap my arm around his, intertwining our fingers. i rest my head on his shoulder and he rests his above mine.

—i want my surprise —i mumble, a smile playing on his lips.

—okay, but don't freak out —he says, making me frown—. promise you will stay calm?

—i'll try my best —i say, not knowing what was coming at me. i can't promise something i don't know if i can keep.

—fair enough —he says.

he takes out of the back pocket of his jeans a paper that seems really official, considering the two signatures at the bottom.

—what is this? —i ask confused, no longer resting my head on his shoulder.

he looks at me for a second before taking a couple of deep breaths.

—the contract of the apartment i rent in Paris for a month —he says, my jaw dropping.

that was the last thing i expected.

—you what? you rent an apartment for us? for a month? —i ask, clearly surprised, but at the same time really, really happy.

—yeah... i know you said three months or more, but i thought that maybe you would like to decide if it's the place you wanna stay in for a while or not. you know, to be sure —he explains, the biggest smile growing on my face—. do you like the surprise? —he asks and since i'm speechless, i only nod.

i wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in a hug. he sits a little further from the edge, making sure he can put me in his lap without me falling off the pier.

—i can't believe you did that —i whisper, not leaving him any chance to do or say something, because i press my lips on his—. okay, wait. we're both gonna get a job, even though i don't know french and i we will split everything because i'm also gonna pay for everything i can. we're gonna have lots of days in, but we're also gonna go on adventures and we're gonna have a lot of sex and we're gonna cuddle and watch movies and we can even do that pancakes thing you wanted to do. more than once if you want. like, every saturday. we're gonna go to the club or to the bar.. —i stop myself, knowing that i'm rambling on way too much—. sorry —i mumble, but he shakes his head, a big grin across his face.

—i can't wait to live with you. like, for real. our own apartment —he says softly.

—i love you —i whisper, brushing my lips against his.

—i love you too.

i kiss him with all the love that i have for him, that's every single bit of it. i can't help but smile in the kiss, knowing that i have this angel all to myself.

i'm really fucking lucky, aren't i?

_sis, i know you may not know this, but you're as hopeless romantic as he is._


	26. xxvi

i watch as the numbers in my phone go from 11:59 to 00:00 and my heart sinks as the same day that my mom and brother died but for years later, arrives.

i look at the already sleeping boy, who's laying beside me, cuddled against my body and with my arm around him. his head is resting above my chest and his two hands in sweater paws are buried in between his cheek and my chest. i can't barely see his face, his messy hair being the reason why.

i don't even know how he's already asleep. we're always awake until 2 am at least, but him being the baby that he is, he fell asleep while i read a book. i told him we could go to sleep, but he shook his head and said that he wanted to read with me.

you can see how the thing ended.

i put back the book, my phone and my earphones above the nightstand. i look back at Calum, a soft smile on my face, trying to focus on him and not on what day it is. i don't really succeed, because i feel how i'm about to cry, so before i wake Calum up, i leave a soft kiss above his head and get off bed. i grab a hoodie, my headphones, phone, book, three beers and the key to the room before heading out, closing the door without making much noise. i immediately put the two earbuds in, _vital sings_ by gang of youths starting to play. i walk up the stairs and when i get to the last floor, i open a heavy black door and climb another set of stairs before reaching the rooftop.

i rest my arms above the railing to look at the whole city and the sea in front of me. i open the beer, grabbing it with sweater paws because i'm fucking freezing. i don't know why but it's hot during the day and cold as fuck when the night comes.

a couple of tears run down my face, not being able to hold them back. i know it's been four years, but i still feel like it was yesterday sometimes. i take a sip, trying to hold myself together even though i know that alcohol doesn't precisely help me do that.

i probably just need to cry and have some time alone.

and i do so. i cry.

a lot.

i also drink.

a lot.

i drink until the last drop of the second bottle of beer.

i don't wanna go back to the dorm, because i can't barely see, or walk, and i don't want Calum to see me like this. i sit down in the ground, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

why am i like this?

i just hate how i can't go by this day even after four fucking years. how much time is it gonna take me to move on?

i pick myself up, taking deep breaths to calm down and i stand up from the floor. i make my way to the edge, my hands immediately grabbing the railing, keeping myself from falling. i'm really drunk, the whole world is spinning around and i can't barely stand in my own two feet. i grab the third and last bottle, opening it effortlessly and i take a big sip.

and so i keep drinking and drowning myself in alcohol.

—for a moment i thought you left because you got tired of me —i hear Calum say.

i don't say anything. i stay where i am, not looking at him. as i said: i don't want him to see me like this.

—leave, Calum. please —i whisper, the words probably not audible for him, because he keeps walking closer to me—. leave —i say again, making sure he hears me.

—baby, what's wrong? —he softly asks, completely ignoring me. he tries to look at me but i hide my face until he grabs it with his two hands, making me lock eyes with him—. you're drunk.

—i'm fine. leave. now —i tell him but he shakes his head.

—give me the bottle —he softly commands and i shake my head cockily, taking another sip—. fine, but at least tell me what's going on —he says.

—nothing —i say, sounding pretty harsh.

this is not me. i may be really closed up, but i would never do things the way i'm doing them right now. i know it's the alcohol though, but i still don't like who i am when i'm not sober.

—doesn't seem like nothing to me —he pushes, my jaw clenching.

can't he just let it go?

—i said nothing —i say, raising my voice a lot.

—and i said it doesn't seem like nothing —he says, making me want to kill him.

i get a little bit aggressive when i'm drunk.

—do you wanna know what's going on!? it's been four motherfucking years since they died and i still can't go through this day without drowning the pain in alcohol! i still can't go through one second without thinking that i should've been there, because i should've! i had a plane ticket but i didn't go in the end! i should've died with them! but i didn't! —i yell, letting everything out like i won't be able to do it tomorrow or any other day. like it's now or never—. and you keep telling me that bullshit that you love me, that you're not leaving me, when we both know that's not true! everyone leaves eventually! and even if you think we're not that different, we are! the only thing we need to agree on, we don't! and you fucking hopeless romantic thinks that i'm not gonna leave, that i'll change my mind! well, i'm not going to! —i continue to yell.

at this point, i'm saying things that don't even make sense, but fuck it, i'm going for it.

i take another sip of beer —almost the last one of the bottle— as i take a quick glance to the guy in front of me with a sad face on.

—and you know what? fuck you! fuck you for making me fall in love with you! fuck you because you have no idea how much it's gonna hurt me when you leave! fuck you for changing my whole fucking life and the way i lived it! fuck you for making me get attached to you! and fuck you for making me believe for a split of a second that i actually could get my shit together! —i yell and yell, tears running down my face, not being able to hold them back any longer.

_great job sis, you held yourself together for ten minutes and now you're crying again._

he stays where he is, while i just run my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself down. it doesn't really work though, because i just feel the urge to scream more things.

—because truth be told, i can't! i can't hold it together! look at me! i'm drunk! really, really fucking drunk! i can't even see properly and i'm yelling profanities like no tomorrow! i don't even know what i'm saying! for fucks sake, i'm a mess! i'm fucked up! i'm fucked up and you're still here, listening to me and to whatever i have running around my head! god, leave me! you should've done that a long time ago! and i live every day in agony that you'll see that i don't deserve you! and every day i'm more scared because i'm a day closer to losing you and i love you more as each that goes by! because who wants someone like me!? no one! too fucked up to be loved! —i finish, throwing my arms in the air before collapsing to the ground.

i bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and i bury my face as i continue to cry. Calum kneels down next to me, taking the bottle i'm holding away and letting it down on the floor.

—come here —he whispers, opening his arms.

i raise my head to look at him and i nod scooting closer to him. he wraps his arms around me, putting me in his lap, my legs around his waist and i bury my face in his chest, leaving his t-shirt soaked wet.

—and i hate you for that. i hate how i will never be enough. and don't you dare tell me i am. we both know that's not true. i've never deserved you. i don't deserve any of the love you're willing to give me. don't waste all of it on me. you need someone who can be enough for you, and that's not me —i mumble, crying even harder, making him shake his head.

—that's not true. you're more than enough —he says back with a really soft voice.

i close my eyes slowly, letting more tears fall. i know deep down he knows i'm right. there's so much he has to offer, but he should not waste that on me.

i look up at him with my really red and puffy eyes. he grabs my face with two hands and leaves a peck on my forehead before hugging me once again.

—Calum, please.. —i start, but he immediately shakes his head, shutting me up—. i'm a mess —i mumble, letting out a sniff now that i finally stopped crying.

—you are. you're a big mess and you're totally insane, but you also have the most beautiful soul i've ever seen —he starts, looking straight into my eyes—. you may have bad days, and you may have to cry, and yell and just get drunk because sometimes your emotions are just too overwhelming, but you sure do know how to get your shit together. you've seen hell a lot of times and you keep going so you have every right to explode whenever you feel like you can't handle it anymore —he continues—. you're the strongest person i know and it's completely normal to take more than four years to move on. everyone does it in their own way and it takes as much time as you need. if it takes you twenty years, then twenty years it is. don't worry about it. you had the bad luck this happened to you so don't torture yourself even more on wanting to move on faster than you can handle. you have enough to worry about. do it in your own way, at your own pace —he finishes, making me nod softly, even though he's just proving my point once again—. i love you, okay? and i'm here to hold you, to kiss you, to listen to you any time you need. i'm gonna catch you every single time you fall. i'm not leaving you. i'm here to stay. we're gonna live together-

—Calum, stop- —i start but he shakes his head.

—no, you stop-

—i can't be enough for you if i'm not even enough for myself —i say, cutting him mid-sentence.

his face immediately falls, knowing where this is going. he frowns, a scared look on his face.

—okay, we can work on it. i'm gonna help you and- —he starts, but stops himself when i shake my head rapidly, trying not to cry—. baby, no, no, no, absolutely not. it's the alcohol talking, not you —he says.

—drunk words, sober thoughts —i say, making him know that there's no going back—. i love you, Calum. i love you so, so, so much. but i can't keep going like this. it's something i have to work on myself. i can't give you what i can't even give myself —i tell him, his eyes watery.

i've always thought the _if you don't love yourself, you can't love somebody else_ thing was bullshit, but it's not. i live every day worried that he's giving me something that i can't give back. i've tried my hardest, but i need to fix myself and love myself before loving him and giving him what he deserves. and that's something i can only do myself.

—baby, please. don't. no. we can work it out. please. don't do it —he begs, tears falling down his face.

i press my lips on his hungrily, wanting to kiss him one last time before i officially have to stop.

i'm gonna miss it.

i wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me, his going around my waist, holding me tightly. i pull away, my eyes still closed, trying to hold on to that moment as long as i possibly can.

god, i don't wanna let go off that.

—i love you. i am deeply in love with you. and i do want to keep seeing the world together and- —i start, but he shakes his head, cutting me off.

—don't give me this bullshit when you're gonna break up with me. it's gonna kill me anyway, so go ahead. end it. tell me i don't have the right to kiss you anymore, that we're not gonna make love anymore, or go on dates. go on. break my heart. tear it into thousands of pieces. i don't care —he mumbles, his jaw clenched, trying not to cry any harder.

—do you hate me? —i whisper.

he shakes his head, putting a lock of hair behind my ear before grabbing my face softly with two hands.

—i love you. i've never loved someone as deeply as i love you. i could never hate you, baby —he whispers with a sad and weak voice.

—i'm sorry —i say, making him shake his head.

—do it, Ray. do it —he mouthes, not having the energy to talk.

—we're over.


	27. xxvii

i regret it.

well, no. i don't.

i don't know.

i don't know if i'm being selfish, if i'm just putting myself at the top of my priorities or if simply, i'm doing him a favor.

i think it's a mixture of those three, even though i've been being selfish since the very beginning. he didn't have much in my hometown, so i decided to bring him with me. who knows who he would've met if i let him live his life. who knows what would've happened if i didn't keep him from meeting new people.

it's like i pushed him to spend time with me and now i just break up with him.

that's not a good way of doing things.

—we should start packing —he says, getting out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist.

_fuck._

if i'm gonna have this view every day we'll end up being friends with benefits.

—well, while you were in the shower i packed both of our things. i let you clothes in the bed —i tell him, making him smile softly. he leans in to give me a kiss but stops halfway.

—sorry. still not used to it —he says with a chuckle, even though he's having a hard time with it.

it's been almost two weeks. today we're heading to Paris because we have to meet up with the person who's gonna give us the key to the apartment in almost three hours. we have an hour and a half in train ahead of us, which is not a lot, but we should get going. i don't wanna be late.

—anyway, thank you —he says, walking towards the bed.

he gets dressed and once he stands up after putting on the second shoe, i hand him his backpack.

we both head out and check out of the hotel we've been staying for the last two days. we walk towards the train station, since it's not far. we buy tickets for the train that leaves at 7 pm and sit down to wait.

—we should've brought something to eat —i mumble once Calum sits down after returning from the bathroom.

—i've got us covered, baby —he says, handing me a bag of chips and some cookies.

—wow, wow, now i get why you took ten minutes to go the bathroom —i laugh, seeing how he bought like ten different things—. we won't have to go to the grocery store when we get there —i tease. Calum just nudges me in the shoulder, making me chuckle.

i open the bag of chips, offering it to him and he puts the hand inside to grab a bunch.

—and the train is here —he says, standing up and putting all the food inside his backpack.

we get on the train and sit down at the first two free seats that we see.

—can i ask you something? —i suddenly say, his eyebrows raising in surprise when he sees that i'm dead serious.

—yeah, sure.

—do you think i was selfish? —i quietly ask.

it has been running around my head for over a week and i needed to ask.

he looks down, letting out a sigh before looking back at me.

—Ray, why are you asking me this? —he says, instead of answering.

—because i don't know if i did the right thing.

—baby, i don't know how you were feeling. i don't know if you really lived every single day worried that i'm giving you something you can't give back yet. you didn't talk to me about this. i didn't know if you were unhappy-

—i was happy. you made me really happy. you still do —i say, cutting him off, feeling the need to tell him that.

—the thing is, that i don't know. even though you gave me more than i've always wanted, if you felt like you have to be enough for yourself before feeling enough for somebody else, then you did the right thing. i don't think it was being selfish. you did it for yourself and a part of you thinks that you did me a favor. i don't agree with the last part. at all. but if it was the best thing for yourself, then it was the right thing.

—but i hurt you —i reply, my eyes watery.

—i'm gonna be honest with you. you did hurt me. you crushed me, actually. the words _we're over_ were tough and the way my heart sank was incredibly awful, but i also think that in that moment you had to think about what _you_ needed, so it doesn't matter if you hurt me —he replies, his eyes in the verge of tears as well.

i nod, looking down at my lap.

i'm glad he thinks that, but i can't help but feel like i was selfish. i hurt him so much. i promised myself i would never do that and listening to him say how he felt makes me feel like the worst person in the world.

—do you miss it? —i whisper.

—of course i do. a lot. i still call you baby sometimes and i lean in to kiss you until i remember that i don't have the right to do that anymore, which sucks. i loved every single part of it. i had the best time of my life. i loved kissing you, and hugging you, and making love to you every single day —he says, not looking at me but straight ahead.

—yeah, we were banging every twenty-four hours —i joke, making him laugh softly.

—even though we're just friends, we can still cuddle right? —he says, earning a laugh as i nod.

i rest my back against the window, opening my arms and legs, knowing that he loves being the little spoon.

he's more often little spoon that big spoon.

that's unfair.

—hey, uhm... is it a one bedroom apartment? —i ask, not sounding very confident—. it's not that i care if it is. i'm just asking —i add.

we're gonna end up sleeping in the same bed because it helps him sleep and not have nightmares, but i'm still curious.

—uhm... yeah. i rent a really cheap one that looked cozy and that wasn't really big. i wanted to feel really close to you. that's why it's pretty small —he answers, snuggling against my body.

i look down at him, not knowing what to say. he can't see me, because he's laying on one side. not being able to hold it back, i bring my hands to his hair to play with it. he hasn't cut it in a while, nor brushed it, so it's pretty long and messy, which makes it even better.

—how can you be tired? —i laugh once he lets out a big yawn.

—hey, it's nap time —he argues, making me laugh.

—it's 7 pm, Cal. nap time is normally after eating lunch —i point, but he just nudges me in the chest—. anyway, goodnight. i'll wake you up when we get there.

—goodnight, baby. i love you —he says, his eyes shutting down.

we dated for less than a month, yet he's so used to calling me baby that he can't stop now. he just lets it out. this time was because he was falling asleep and probably didn't even notice. just like the _i love you._

it hurts that when we say that, neither one of us means it in a friendly way.

i honestly don't know what to do.

he says i'm way more than enough and when he tells me that, looking at me straight in the eyes, for a second i believe that i am. but then, a minute later i feel like i'm not. and i know that i can't depend on him. i know i need to believe i am enough for myself before knowing i am for him.

am i making sense?

he can't be worried that one day i'll flip the switch like i did two weeks ago. he can't be worried about every single thing that goes through my mind. i need to get my shit together before being with Calum because i'll end up spreading all of it on him.

—i love you too, Cal.

i keep running my fingers through his hair, knowing how much he loves it and helps him sleep. i listen to music the whole trip and once we have only five minutes left before we arrive to Paris, i pause it and put my phone inside my backpack once again.

—Cal, we're here —i say, leaving a kiss atop of his head.

_sis, this is not a relationship anymore. did you forget that?_

—come on let's go, sleepyhead —i say, making him groan but nod.

he sits back up, rubs his eyes with the back of his hands, lets out a yawn and stands up.

—okay, now we can go —he says.

i hand him his backpack, hanging mine over my shoulders and we both get off the train. we walk out of the station, which takes us some time because this is gigantic and my orientation skills aren't the best ones.

—okay, we have twenty minutes to get there. you have the address, right? —i tell him and he nods before starting to walk.

he's not using his phone or a map, which scares me because he's never been here and i doubt that he memorized how to get there, but i'm just gonna trust him.

—tell me you're not lost —i say, once i see him looking at the name of the street with a frown.

—sis, i got this. we're not lost —he cockily says, but i just cross my arms with a _seriously?_ kind of face—. okay, yeah, we're lost, but let me just check google maps.

—why haven't you done that earlier? —i ask, throwing my arms in the air—. we have seven minutes to be there! —i add, not believing that he was stupid enough not to use google earlier.

—hey, calm down okay? we're gonna get there just in time —he says, trying to reassure me. it doesn't work though, because since it's Calum who we're talking about, we're probably on the other side of the city—. this way —he says, before starting to walk again.

miraculously, he gets there two minutes earlier, surprising me a lot. if my orientation skills are bad, his are on the next level.

i really think it was luck, because come on, he doesn't even know where he leaves his socks.

—you're so fucking lucky —i mumble, but he just smirks at me.

—it's call being smart, baby; not lucky —he cockily says and i roll my eyes.

the woman with who we're supposed to meet up opens the door a couple of seconds after we knock.

—good afternoon, come on in —she says with a welcoming smile on her face as she stands in one side of the door so that we can step in.

it's a really small apartment, but way more than enough for Calum and i. the walls are all white, with some paintings hanging on them. it seems really big, since everything is connected to everything. like, there are no doors except for the one that leads to the bathroom, and the front door, of course. you have the kitchen to the right, so that you can look at the tv while you cook. you have a couch and two bean-bags with a coffee table in the middle above a vintage carpet. more to the back, there's a king size bed, two nightstands and a big closet against the wall. you also have a desk and to the left you have a door that connects to the only bathroom in the apartment.

the woman starts talking with Calum in french and since i don't get anything she's saying i just look around in awe, not believing that i'm gonna be living here for at least a month. it's all on its place, which is something new for me since my house is a mess.

remember when dad died that i threw a bottle of alcohol against the wall? yeah, i haven't cleaned that up yet.

—so, what do you think? —he asks once the lady leaves.

—i love it. you have great taste in apartments —i playfully say, making him smile.

he leaves both of our backpacks in the floor before wrapping his arms around me from behind, making me tense up. he notices and pulls away.

—true —he mumbles, grabbing his bag and walking towards the bed.

—Cal.. —i say, making him shake his head.

—don't. it's my fault —he drily says, a frown growing on my face.

—hey, what- —i start, but i cut myself off, not knowing what to say.

—don't look at me like that —he says, opening his backpack to start unpacking.

—like what? —i ask confused, honestly not knowing where the fuck is this going.

—like you didn't have a choice. like i know you didn't have a choice —he says.

—so, you're telling me that i didn't do the right thing —i scoff—. unlike you said two hours ago —i add, his jaw clenching.

—i didn't say that —he says, making me roll my eyes at him.

—oh, come on. we both know you're not okay with this. we both know how you think i'm selfish! —i say, raising my voice.

i want to push him over the edge. i want him to yell at me for breaking up with him. it's time for him to stop being so calm everyday. he has anger inside. he's mad at me but for some reason he doesn't wanna show it.

—of course i'm not okay with it! —he yells, throwing his arms in the air.

—yell at me! tell me how fucking mad you are! —i say, pushing him a little bit more.

—you want me to yell at you?! fine! you were selfish! you are! i thought we were end game! i thought you actually trusted me enough to tell me how you were feeling! and instead of fighting for us, you gave up! didn't you think about talking to me?! that i could help?! for fucks sake i don't wanna be right person, wrong time! we're right person, right time! but that's some hopeless romantic shit, isn't it, Reagan!? —he says, clearly mad at me last sentence.

it's weird when he uses my full name. he never does it. he calls me Ray or baby, but not Reagan.

my gaze goes down to my hands, not being able to look up at him.

i know i probably deserve all the yelling. in the end, i wanted him to be honest with me even if that meant pushing him over the edge so that he could actually tell me how he really feels.

—and instead of coming to me, you decide to break up with me! you broke me! i thought we could work it out! so no, i'm not okay with it! i'm not okay with being friends, because every time i look at you i wanna kiss you and sometimes you do things that make me fall in love with you all over again. today, when you simply packed my bags because i was in the shower and prepared my clothes. god, i wanted to fuck you right there!

he pauses for a second, looking at me with an angry mixed with sad face.

—because this may be scary to you, but it isn't to me, so i'm gonna say it. you are the love of my life! i've thought that since day zero! —he says, my jaw dropping to the ground.

—Calum don't you dare go that way! —i say, my voice loud but not as much as his.

he can't say that to me. he can't. i'm not able to process that. it's just so far out of the picture, of what my brain can actually handle.

—why? because i'm gonna scare you away?! fuck it. you are the love of my life! —he yells once again, walking closer to me, his jaw clenched, just like mine—. do you want me to say it again? —he asks, his body almost touching mine.

—stop —i yell. well, try to, because with his intense stare, it comes out as a whisper.

—fine then. i'm gonna say it again. you are the love of my life —he repeats, this time more softly.

his gaze drifts to my lips, making me look at him with a warning face. as i start to breathe heavily.

_sis, you want to fuck the shit out of him._

that's not true.

_bitch, you can't lie to your subconscious._

—you are the love of my life —he whispers one more time.

we both stay silent for a long moment. you can only hear our breathing as we stare into each other's eyes that are full of lust.

—Calum, fuck me right now —i breathe out, not being able to hold myself back.

he doesn't waste any time and grabs me by the waist before slamming my back against the wall. he smashes his lips on mine hungrily. i quickly kiss him back, running my hands up and down his chest. i mess his hair up completely and he just squeezes my ass slightly.

—jump —he commands in between kisses and i do as he says, wrapping my legs around his waist. he sits me in the kitchen counter, which is the first thing we see.

i pull the edges of his t-shirt upwards, taking it off before i do the same with mine. i connect our lips again, desperate for him. he starts leaving kisses down my neck as i unbuckle his jeans desperate and i let out soft moan once he kisses the sweet spot that he knows very well.

—fuck. Calum, bed. now —i mumble, making him nod.

he picks me up by the thighs, carrying me to the bed and lays me down with my back against the mattress. he puts himself above me, kissing me in the lips passionately. he starts leaving sloppy kisses down my neck, wrapping his arms around my torso to unclasp my bra effortlessly before throwing it away. he continues kissing down my body until he reaches my pants. he unbuttons my jeans and looks up at me for permission. i nod, so he proceeds to pull them down.

you can imagine what happens next.

we have sex.

maybe it's a mistake, maybe it's not. who knows? but i sure do not regret it. i don't regret anything when it comes to Calum. well, except for breaking up with him.

and so, after two incredible hours of fucking none stop, i crash in bed beside him with a big smile plastered on my face.

fuck. that was good.

i look up at the ceiling, clearly not knowing what to say to him, or what does this mean. the room stays quiet for a long while, the only thing you can hear is our breathing that becomes slower with time. suddenly, he sneaks one arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. i rest my head on the crook of his neck and lay my hand on his chest, snuggling against his body.

—baby? —he softly says and i hum in response—. you are enough. you may not think so, but you are. and i'm sorry for yelling at you like that, because yes, i don't like your decision of breaking up with me, and yes, i do think i could've helped you, but if you really don't want us to be together, i respect that. even though you would literally break my heart once again. even more if we just had the best sex ever —he says, making me crack a smile at the last sentence.

it is the best sex ever.

—the thing is that i could help you with making you feel enough. in the end, that's my mission as your boyfriend. if i'm your boyfriend ever again, of course. anyway, i love you and i just want you to know that if you decide to not be with me, i'll wait for you, and if you decide to get back together with me, i'll help you as much as i can —he says, raising my chin to look at him with two fingers.

i stay quiet, not knowing what to say and i can see the hope in his eyes, which makes my heart sink.

—you don't have to give me an answer now. think about it and you'll tell me tomorrow —he softly says and i nod—. now go to sleep, it's pretty late.

i leave a kiss on his cheek before resting my head on his chest once again, wrapping my arms around his torso.

he's the person i wanna see the twenty-four hours of the day. he's the person who makes me laugh effortlessly and that somehow manages to always put a smile on my face. a genuine one. he's the person i will always go back to. he's the person i feel the safest around, and the happiest. he's everything i could ever ask for and more.

he feels like home.

he still does.

he always will.

—goodnight —i mumble.

—goodnight, baby. sweet dreams.

subconscious?

_yes, sis? at your service._

why didn't you try to stop me from kissing him or having sex with him?

_because you do think it's right person, right time_ _._


	28. xxviii

after only sleeping three hours because of all the thinking i've done about what my subconscious said, i'm ready to tell Calum my decision.

i hate how the voice in my head is always a bitch to me and i never listen to it, but sometimes, it hits hard.

_i'm gonna take that as a compliment._

i love Calum.

we all know that by now.

so what is there more think?

i open my eyes slowly, in the same position as i fell asleep yesterday night. i look up at Calum, who's still with his eyes closed and i smile softly. i start kissing his neck sweetly, waking him up. he lets out a groan, but a grin grows on his face.

—well, good morning —he playfully says, opening his eyes vaguely—. does this mean we're together again? —he jokes, knowing perfectly fine we are.

—i don't know, what do you think? —i tease, pressing my lips on his, making him smile widely.

—i mean... you haven't asked me to be your boyfriend... —he says, making me roll my eyes at him.

—fine. Calum Hood, would like to be my boyfriend again? —i ask, another big grin making its way to his face.

—yeah, i would love that —he mumbles, wrapping his other arm around me, putting himself over me and trapping me between him and the bed. he connects our lips together, making me melt immediately—. i'm so glad i can kiss you again.

—hey, you weren't the only one who missed it —i point out before leaving a quick peck on his lips and sneaking out of bed.

—hey where are you going? i thought we could have a day in beeeed —he whines, making me laugh as i put on some panties and a t-shirt.

i throw him a pair of sweatpants before walking closer to him, our faces almost touching.

—we're cooking pancakes today —i whisper and before he can kiss me, i pull away and walk towards the kitchen.

i grab all the ingredients, knowing that the woman said we would have some food here already in case we can't go grocery shopping for a couple of days. i start preparing as Calum just lays in bed staring at the ceiling for some weird reason. as the first pancake is in the pan, i take the nutella out of one of the cupboards, just like two plates and glasses. i also grab some water from the fridge, since we don't have chocolate milk or something like that.

i feel a pair of arms wrapping around my waist from behind, making me smile. i flip the pancake before turning around and wrapping my arms around his neck.

—well, good morning hopeless romantic —i playfully say, pressing my lips on his softly.

—they smell amazing —he points out, taking out the first one and putting it on a plate.

—what are you doing? —i ask confused once i see that he's pulling his phone out of the pocket of his sweatpants, which is the only piece of clothing that he's wearing.

—dance with me —he simply says, clicking play so that _say you won't let go_ by James Arthur starts playing.

—that's on another level —i laugh as he lets the phone above the counter, turns off the fire and offers me his hand.

i gladly take it and he wraps his arms around my waist while mine go around his neck. he spins me around a couple of times before pulling me closer again and starting to sing.

_"i met you in the dark,_  
 _you lit me up,_  
 _you made me feel as though,_  
 _i was enough._  
 _we danced the night away,_  
 _we drank too much._  
 _i held your head back when_  
 _you were throwing up."_

i melt on the inside and he pulls me further away, only grabbing me by my hand before making me spin again and trapping me in his arms from behind.

_"then you smiled over your shoulder,_  
 _for a minute, i was stone cold sober._  
 _i pulled you closer to my chest_  
 _and you asked me to stay over._  
 _i said, i already told ya,_  
 _i think you should get some rest."_

i turn around to face him with the biggest smile ever plastered in my face, not being able to hold it back. i press my lips on his for a short kiss, wanting him to keep singing.

_"i knew i loved you then,_  
 _but you'd never know,_  
 _'cause i played it cool when i was scared of letting go._  
 _i know i needed you,_  
 _but i never showed,_  
 _but i wanna stay with you until we're grey and old._  
 _just say you won't let go._  
 _just say you won't let go."_

he keeps singing and i fall more and more in love with this brown-eyed boy in front of me.

_"i'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed,_  
 _i'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head,_  
 _and i'll take the kids to school,_  
 _wave them goodbye,_  
 _and i'll thank my lucky stars for that night."_

i smile widely as he spins me around and dances with me around the kitchen like we have no worry in the world. the song keeps playing and when a certain part comes along, he looks at me in the eyes, as if he wrote it for me.

_"i wanna live with you,_  
 _even when we're ghosts,_  
 _'cause you were always there for me_  
 _when i needed you most._

_i'm gonna love you 'til_  
 _my lungs give out,_  
 _i promise 'til death we part like in our vows._  
 _so i wrote this song for you,_  
 _now everybody knows,_  
 _that it's just you and me 'til we're grey and old._  
 _just say you won't let go._  
 _just say you won't let go._

_j_ _ust say you won't let go._  
 _oh, just say you won't let go."_

he finishes and since i don't know what to say, i press my lips on his with all the love in the entire fucking world put together. he picks me up by the thighs and sits me up in the counter, continuing to kiss me.

—life is really, really good —he whispers, pulling away slightly.

—yeah, it is if i'm with you —i say, looking at him like a fucking fool.

—thank you for leading me out of the really dark place i was stuck in. you're the most beautiful person to ever walk on the face of the earth. inside and out. i love how insane you are and how you make your own rules —he starts, making me bite my lower lip—. i love how lovable you are and how deeply you're able to love. or how you care about people and how you never leave them. you have a big heart and i believe that everyone needs a Reagan Jones in their lives —he continues, a big smile on my face at this point—. i love you.

—i love you too. so so much.

i've always thought that life was against me, that i would never have something that wouldn't leave me. i still don't know if Calum will stay forever. maybe right now it is right person, right time, but maybe tomorrow it will be right person, wrong time. but leaving that aside, he is that shred of hope that i needed. and he may think that i lead him out of a really dark place, but he forgets that he did that for me too.

and yeah, i've seen hell a lot of times. i haven't precisely had it easy in life, but somehow, Calum makes it worth it.

i like to believe that he's an angel fallen from heaven or something. a guardian angel type shit, who came into my life right when i was about to give up.

there is not one moment that i share with him that i'm not smiling. because he makes me happy. really, really happy and i hope i make him happy too.

as he said:

life is good.

life is really, really good.

no matter how tough you think you have it. you will always get through it, even if sometimes something happens to you and the pain is so unbearable you think it won't ever go away. it does. it's hard and sometimes it comes back, but hey, maybe one day, one Calum will come into your life when you less expect it. you don't wanna miss out on that.

i'm sounding really positive and that's not really me, but i guess that now that my life is exactly how i wanted it to be (with a little twist, because Calum wasn't in the plan), i'm more positive than negative.

what love does to you.

sorry, i'm just extremely happy right now that i'm kissing Calum.

—we should keep making pancakes because if we keep making out we won't eat breakfast until tonight —he laughs, pulling away to turn on the fire once again.

—hey, no, come baaaack —i whine, sending him a puppy face.

—don't give me that face —he warns, pouring some water in both of our glasses and handing me one.

he makes all the pancakes, while i just sit above the counter and talk to him.

—are you happy that we did the hopeless romantic thing i know you wanted to do since the day we were going to the spa? —i playfully say, grabbing both of our plates and bringing them to the coffee table and sitting down on the couch.

—i hate you and yes, i am, in fact, very happy and so are you, because you're also a hopeless romantic —he teases.

he grabs the remote, turning the tv on and putting on miraculous ladybug.

it's one of the best tv shows ever. you can't change my mind.

—oh my god, best pancakes ever! —i yell once i put a whole one inside my mouth.

—exactly, because i made them —he cockily says.

—bitch, you put them in the pan and flipped them over. that's all you did, but the putting the ingredients and everything, a.k.a, the hard part, i did it alone while you were in bed! —i argue, putting another pancake in my mouth.

—excuse you?! i could've burned them! this is the hard part. they're so well done! —he also argues and before i can say something back, he throws himself at me and starts tickling me.

—f-fuck y-you —i mumble, laughing my ass off.

i hate being a ticklish person.

—i love you too —he says, leaving a peck on my lips before sitting back up and continuing to eat.

since the beginning i've thought i wasn't a hopeless romantic. i mocked him for wanting true love and doing all this shit that people like Calum want to do. but now i look back and think that i didn't want it because i didn't think i could have it. because let's be honest, who doesn't like cooking breakfast, recently fucked, of course, with your significant other, with no care in the world, dancing around the kitchen and then sitting on the couch and watch cartoons?

fuck Calum. fuck it. i know it's something i never thought i would say, but can you blame me? i have everything i've ever wanted. i'm travelling the world with the love of my life.

because he is.

no matter who comes and goes. nothing will top Calum.

nothing. no one.

i am happy, thing that i never thought i would say.

and even less that my moment of freedom wouldn't be what i thought it would be. because it's here.

it's right here.

this is it.

this is my moment.

my moment is sitting on the couch in our apartment in Paris. different city, different country, fuck, different continent. my moment is right here, watching cartoons and having playful fights about who did more in the process of making pancakes.

i have absolutely no care in the world.

absolutely none.

i will worry about finding a job, i will worry about going to the grocery shop, i will worry about how much time we'll be staying here and i'll worry about how to not make our relationship fall apart. but i will worry about that tomorrow.

because right now, this is my moment.

and it's with Calum.

so yeah, i'll admit it:

i'm such a hopeless romantic.  


_**T**_ _**HE END** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii :))) so i just wanted to thank everyone who got this far. as a writer wannabe, i cannot tell you how much this means to me.
> 
> ALSO, THERE'S A SEQUEL CALLED "HOME"
> 
> love you <3
> 
> \- gemma :))


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